Mak

Finally Got Out Officially moved out of my first apartment into something bigger and better, and honestly, I have no regrets. I thought I would have been sad, but honestly, I feel happier and relieved now that I'm not having to deal with loud neighbors and hearing random banging at 5 o'clock in the morning!!! Like, holy fuck I don't know how I lasted that long in that building. Like, granted I got used to it, so the loudness became nothing more than just me zoning out every time trying to ignore it all. But last night in my new apartment, it was so quiet to the point where it felt like a dream. Going to sleep and not having any noises to be heard was so soothing. I don't know how to explain it. I felt like my body was at ease and safe. I didn't have to worry about anything, and my mind could finally rest for once. Everything go packed and unpacked, I'm still working on sorting out my clothes because honestly I didn't realize how many hoodies I had until it w...

I Just Need You Sometimes I get lost, but then I look at you and know exactly where I am and what it is I need! You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, even though we’re miles apart! But even with the distance, you still make me smile and laugh as if you and I were in the same room! It’s crazy how fast I fell for you when we first met, but I didn’t think too much of it! But somewhere down the line, you became the only person who makes sense to me!  Nothing ever made much sense to me til I started talking and being myself with you! I don’t know how to explain how much you mean to me! I just know if things go down the road, my friend wants me to take it’ll ruin what we have! I’m scared that I’ll lose my ability to be myself around you without the thought of you judging me! I feel like if I make the move, it’s gotta be right and not something just for laughs! It’s gotta make sense! I just hate the thought of making a mistake and losing you and everything I know when it comes...

You Never Saw the Pain Behind My Eyes Even though we danced under the midnight sky while the stars shined bright, you never got to see the pain behind the tears I held inside of me. You were right about most things, but the only thing you still didn't understand is how I could be so happy on the outside and treat someone so well, only to see another side of me when the lights go out. You asked if this is what I steer away from letting others see, and I said yes, only to let all the pain and hurt come out of me, knowing I had no way of controlling it once it got out. I tried to shut you out, but you leaned in closer and gave me the warmest hugs I've ever had. I couldn't help but hold on to you even tighter. You're the only one who's ever been there for me when I didn't know where to go or who to call, and I know I can never repay you, but if there was a way to give you everything you ever wanted, I would. Your smile lightens up my mood, knowing behind every smile...

You Had Every Right to Fade Away! Gotta keep it real and let this shit be over with. Tired of the back and forth, trying to figure out where you are and where we stand. You once held me tight when things went sideways, only to watch me from a distance, making me think it's all my fault now. It's just a shame you had to go and make shit a mess after we both decided to keep it clean and civil. But I guess you had a point to prove to someone somewhere because the shit I saw and heard didn't make sense as to why you had to go and switch up on me like that. Made me feel like I was in the wrong or did you wrong somewhere down the line, but nothing really rings a bell. So please make it make sense as to why you had to go and make it worse for me! The feelings I had for you never changed, but now that I know about the shit you just went and did, it's making me question who you really are and what your plan was all along. It's safe to say I didn't really love the real yo...

Mirrors Tend to Shatter Like a Beating Heart I bet you thought getting close to me would be heaven on earth, but instead it turned out to be a living hell for you. I never gave you permission to be close to me, and the way you go around thinking that being next to me is some sort of prize is wild. I only let you get next to me so I could learn everything there was to you and break you from the inside out. I let you do as you pleased, only to play mind games, making you think I was into you when, in reality, I was replicating a feeling that you had for me. I understood it once it started clicking to me why you chose to get so close to me. You wanted to learn from me and how I could be so cold yet so attached at the same time, and to be honest, I don't have an answer for you. Maybe it's from my past trauma or some shit. But whatever it is, you're lucky I limited myself to my actions. I just know the love you thought I was going to show you was going to be from the heart, but ...

I Don't Need the Closure! I never really cared about the whole idea of you and me, even though in the moment, that's all I thought I needed. But in reality, it was just a feeling that I was chasing, and you somehow made it a reality for me. You let me in just to watch me leave. You had the best of me just to turn me into something that I'm not. You wanted me all to yourself, but only when it benefited you. I was stuck in time trying to make things right, knowing the only right thing to do was to leave you be and find my way back home, knowing the ride back was going to be me crying all the pain away that you caused. You seemed to need me more than I needed you, but somewhere down the line, that all changed, and I can't help but bash myself thinking it's all my fault. But I could be wrong about it all. Maybe somewhere down the line of you and me, something did go wrong, and I was too blind to realize what had happened. I was so focused on the beauty that you held tha...

Maybe In Another Life Look, I get it, you probably hate me, but thinking I hate you is crazy. I can't really hate someone I once loved. I can only say goodbye and wish you the best as I do my own thing from a distance, hoping you find the things that make you happy in life. I could tell you that I tried to keep my head held high, but then I'd be lying. I had mixed feelings about the whole walking away and somehow making sure it wasn't a mistake on my part. But I just need to focus on some other things rather than thinking you and I are something more when deep down inside you hate me even though you proably never said that to me but your actions were louder than your words so it's kind of just a safe bet to know that you feel that way and I can't really change your mind about how you feel towards me. I can only accept it and forget about ever reaching out to you. I can't be bothered talking to someone who secretly hates my existence, even though you never said i...

Demons No Longer Look the Same You can go ahead and stop the act. We both know what you really came here for, so go ahead and take it while you can. I'm done trying to hide from you. You got your wish, and with that being said, you can have the other me as well. I'll never tell my side of the story ever again, and you can go about your life as if you never did me wrong, and never got to see me at my lowest. You can go and tell your friends how I did the most just to play the victim, or you can spread all the lies about me in any shape or form you desire. I don't care!! You have what it takes now, so go and do as you please.  I know you think this is just a game of mine, but it's really not. I'm done being your little puppet, so by all means, take all that anger and guilt you have and throw it all at me. I'll take it all at once, even if it kills me in the end. I just want you to be happy and free, and I know if I stay any longer, you'll always feel like a pr...

Not Trying to Rewind the Past, But God Damn, that's All I Know!! I never knew that seeing you would make me spiral out of control. I thought I could handle the thought of you, and just letting it be for what it was and leaving it at that, but I haven't stopped thinking about you since I saw you. I know I should just focus on other things, but god damn it's so hard when all the thoughts are about you and how happy you made me til you decided to leave me. I was down for whatever, but never thought you leaving me would be one of those things. I held my cool for a while, but for some reason, seeing you again made me lose it all. You and I will never really have the same feelings towards one another, and that's okay. I'm fine with keeping you out of sight, out of mind, but I wish I didn't have to. I thought you and I would work out well, but I guess you wanted to be with someone else somewhere else, and that's fine. But why'd you have to make me love you and ...

Maybe It Was for the Best I'm no longer worried or thinking about how you perceive me as a person or your feelings towards me. All I know is I met you and somehow started having feelings for you, which was bad on my part, and I understand that was wrong of me, and I should have just denied all of them and carried on with my own doings while somehow still keeping you around. But keeping you around would have only made my feelings stronger for you, and I know you didn't want me to show any feelings other than some smiles and the truth. You really made me feel welcomed but restricted with the things I could say and do, and it was kind of confusing for me because I didn't know if me touching/being physical with you was going to make you annoyed with me or not, so I just let you take the lead, knowing I wanted to make it known that I wanted the same as you. I don't know, I guess I was caught up in the moment of mirroring your charm and kindness that I forgot about the rule s...

He's Everything I'll Never Be I know you keep coming back and forth to me about this and that, only to go back home to him and wonder why it can’t work between us like it does between you and him. The truth is, you’re too much of an attention seeker, so you go out every weekend to find the feeling you had with me, knowing those guys will never match up to me, so you fake it so that it can work, only to hit my line crying about how you feel guilty for the shit you did!  You’re forever changing your mind on the thought of us when you know we can never be due to the lies you told, and making me feel like I was something worth holding on to, but you only held on to me just so you wouldn’t feel lonely! You never really saw me for me; you just saw me as someone you could go for when it came to closure! Which is fine, but don’t scream at me how I was never there for you when I was out at 3 am, driving to your place just to comfort you! You wanted someone you could show off, and when y...

It'll Always Be You When the lights go down and my friends are near, all I do is talk about you and how I can't stop myself from saying goodbye to you. It's like a feeling I can't explain because I typically don't feel much when it comes to others, but for some reason, when it comes to you, I feel everything all at once, and I'm not sure how to control it without busting out in tears. I know if I say goodbye to you all, I'm going to do is just fall back into you and figure out why it had to end.  There's always going to be that tension between you and me, knowing that we're more than friends but less than a couple, and it's confusing the fuck out of me sometimes because I can't tell if you need and want me or if I'm just another pawn in your game of chess. It's not like it bothers me or anything that I don't know what the friendship holds between us two, I just get to thinking about all the other people you talk to when I'm no...