Blog Post 418

Maybe In Another Life

Look, I get it, you probably hate me, but thinking I hate you is crazy. I can't really hate someone I once loved. I can only say goodbye and wish you the best as I do my own thing from a distance, hoping you find the things that make you happy in life. I could tell you that I tried to keep my head held high, but then I'd be lying. I had mixed feelings about the whole walking away and somehow making sure it wasn't a mistake on my part. But I just need to focus on some other things rather than thinking you and I are something more when deep down inside you hate me even though you proably never said that to me but your actions were louder than your words so it's kind of just a safe bet to know that you feel that way and I can't really change your mind about how you feel towards me. I can only accept it and forget about ever reaching out to you. I can't be bothered talking to someone who secretly hates my existence, even though you never said it. I can just tell you do. 

You might act like everything is fine and chill, but behind the scenes, there was a line that was drawn, and you happened to overstep that line, and ever since then, you've been on my dnd list. You claim to be civil and charismatic, but it's just an act, so those closest to you don't go out and rat you for the shit you do. I can't really blame them because you have the looks and the personality to avoid it all, even if it were to happen. I guess you're just too good for me to actually do anything with other than forget your existence, even though we both know you kind of like having me around, even though some days you ask me when you can see me next, knowing it's never going to be an honest answer. I might lie to you and tell you in a few hours to a few days when in reality it's weeks to months, and it's not really by choice, it's just how you have me in your system and how I have you in mine. You're very sweet and kind, but when the sun goes down, it's like I'm looking at someone I don't even know, and it makes me feel so uneasy, and I wish I could understand why that is, but for now, that's just how it's been every time I've linked up with you.

I just wish we had never cut the ties we had, even though you wanted something different. I would have been cool with standing by your side, but clearly that was asking for too much, so I ended up letting you fade out of my life to the point where I would only have vivid memories of you, to the point where they seemed like dreams. I would think that it was normal thinking of you and seeing you when you weren't really there, but turns out it's not, and I was just missing you so damn much that my mind ended up making you out to be real. I wish I could have learned from my past that I shouldn't hold on to something bad for me, but you weren't even bad for me. If anything, you were the best I ever had, and it's a shame I didn't get to do more with you. But it's whatever. Time moves on, and the world keeps spinning. It's only a matter of time until we realize what we once had and how good it was til we start fiening for that feeling once again, only to find it with someone else. Til then, the cycle will keep repeating itself unless that person is actually the one willing to stay and work through the bad. But until then, I'll continue to just ignore the thought of you and me and move along as if you and I never happened.