Blog Post 416

Not Trying to Rewind the Past, But God Damn, that's All I Know!!

I never knew that seeing you would make me spiral out of control. I thought I could handle the thought of you, and just letting it be for what it was and leaving it at that, but I haven't stopped thinking about you since I saw you. I know I should just focus on other things, but god damn it's so hard when all the thoughts are about you and how happy you made me til you decided to leave me. I was down for whatever, but never thought you leaving me would be one of those things. I held my cool for a while, but for some reason, seeing you again made me lose it all. You and I will never really have the same feelings towards one another, and that's okay. I'm fine with keeping you out of sight, out of mind, but I wish I didn't have to.

I thought you and I would work out well, but I guess you wanted to be with someone else somewhere else, and that's fine. But why'd you have to make me love you and make me think you could be the one if all you wanted was to make me cry and make me feel like I did something wrong? You made me feel like I treated you wrong and overstepped a boundary somewhere down the line, but you texted me that it wasn't anything I did, and it was something on your end that needed to be resolved, and I didn't really understand it, but I acted as if I did and said okay. I left the chat and hadn't heard back since, and as much as I wanted to reach out, I couldn't get through. I let the thoughts fade away and the feelings burn off, thinking it was just another case of it is what it is, and I just had to move on from it. 

I thought nothing of it, but somehow seeing you around town made me think if there was something more to it that I'm not understanding, and I explained it to my friend, and she said to just forget about you and the whole situation, and I said, yeah, maybe I should. But for some reason when I tried to you'd show up out of nowhere making me feel like I needed you but deep down inside I knew the only thing I needed was to get some closure from you and I didn't know how to get it til 12 months later which is kind of crazy to think it was exactly that same day we met just at a different time. I thought we could rekindle the situationship, but apparently, you claimed you owed me nothing, so I took that as a sign to end the chapter and cut all ties to you, even though I still had hope that maybe we could be friends again. But I guess I was wrong, and that's okay. I'll keep my distance and act as if nothing bothers me, and the thought of you will just fade again, and you'll just end up being someone from my past. 

I hate the thought of you being someone from my past now, but what more can I do? You don't wanna reach out and explain what really made you do the things you did, and I can't really reach out because you wanted to block me out the blue after hugging me, which was odd but okay. I just don't care to waste my time on this anymore. You can tell yourself that I was whatever you want about me and bash me however you want to your friends, but I'll never be the one to talk negatively about you. I know what my heart was telling me, and I'm not going to bash someone when my heart and mind were telling me they're the best thing I've ever had. So with that being said. Please don't ever think I have hate towards you, because if you were to reach out to me, I'd reply without a second thought.