Blog Post 422

You Never Saw the Pain Behind My Eyes

Even though we danced under the midnight sky while the stars shined bright, you never got to see the pain behind the tears I held inside of me. You were right about most things, but the only thing you still didn't understand is how I could be so happy on the outside and treat someone so well, only to see another side of me when the lights go out. You asked if this is what I steer away from letting others see, and I said yes, only to let all the pain and hurt come out of me, knowing I had no way of controlling it once it got out. I tried to shut you out, but you leaned in closer and gave me the warmest hugs I've ever had. I couldn't help but hold on to you even tighter. You're the only one who's ever been there for me when I didn't know where to go or who to call, and I know I can never repay you, but if there was a way to give you everything you ever wanted, I would.

Your smile lightens up my mood, knowing behind every smile has its story. Your eyes choose to see the best in me, even though the best in me is so hard to find. You're all I could ever need, and for that, I'm so grateful that you chose to stick by my side. Nothing in this world could ever make me choose another person to share my problems and successes with other than you. You've seen me at my lowest to my happiest times and moments, and I'm glad you get to see another side of that nobody else gets to see. I love the way you don't judge me for the things I do and say, because at the end of the day, we know I follow my heart before my mind, and for that I'll always be by your side, no matter the time or distance. You're the best thing that's ever come into my life, and I love spending every second with you, even though I wish we had more time with one another.

My life is at ease right now thanks to you. You make me see the brighter things in the darkest of times and make me feel more alive than ever before. You make all the confusion I have about life and my doings go away. You make me see things for what they are, and I move on with a feeling knowing it's done and over with. I no longer need to feed into the past when the past has nothing for me. It's all just a blur when it comes to those people who come and go but you it's more clearer than ever even though we have days and moments where we don't feel like existing but we still make time to reach out to one another and make sure we're both fine and well and if not then I'm on the way with a playlist and some jokes. Because who am I to let you be sad over such and such when there are plenty of things in life to make you happy.

You can say I loved you with all my heart, and the others need to take notes, but in reality, I think everybody deserves to be loved the right way. It's never been about who can do the most or show the most; it's only ever been about doing things right and making it right the first time around. There are no second chances unless the love faded out, but the feelings still remained. Maybe then things can go back to how they were if the communication is there and the egos are put to the side, but if not, then why would you bother trying to stay and make it work? It never made much sense falling out of love with someone just to put all the blame on them when, in reality, they did all they could to make you happy and make sure you were safe and well, but it wasn't enough for you because you chose to be a bit stuck up and have standards that weren't attainable. 

So I'm sorry if things don't always go your way, but maybe look into fixing yourself before trying to go after someone else to break just to fix them, knowing there was nothing wrong with them. You just wanted them to fit your needs, and that's not how things work when it comes to having a stable and healthy relationship. Both people need to want it more than anything to make it work. You can't just be half-siding with the whole relationship. You might as well just be single and date yourself. You look for love in someone else more than the love you hold within yourself, and that's why you spiral out. 

You need to love yourself before you can love someone else. If that person already loves and understands themselves, then they're not going to stick around and fight for someone who only thinks of themselves. You can't be scared to put yourself out there and try, even if it means crying on the first date, you'll soon realize what it is you really want and are meant for. You deserve the best in life and the purest of love, but for you to get there, you need to let go of the past and focus on the road ahead of you. You don't need to chase anymore. Just let it be for what it is, and it'll come when the timing is right. 

I don't know, I just feel like when you were next to me and you were talking, you made it seem like I was the one, only to realize I can never be with you. I know my intentions with you are pure, and you have a sweet spot in my heart and mind, but I'm scared that if I make a move, it'll go to shit, and I can't risk the thought of losing you, and I can't live with myself knowing that I lost you because of a decision I made. I'd rather love you how I do now than be blamed for something that I did. You never really complain or argue with the things I say or do, so let's just keep it that way for as long as we can, and maybe down the line somewhere, when the timing is right and the stars are aligned, we can tell each other how we really feel instead of letting all these feelings be thrown out to the wolves.