Blog Post 421

You Had Every Right to Fade Away!

Gotta keep it real and let this shit be over with. Tired of the back and forth, trying to figure out where you are and where we stand. You once held me tight when things went sideways, only to watch me from a distance, making me think it's all my fault now. It's just a shame you had to go and make shit a mess after we both decided to keep it clean and civil. But I guess you had a point to prove to someone somewhere because the shit I saw and heard didn't make sense as to why you had to go and switch up on me like that. Made me feel like I was in the wrong or did you wrong somewhere down the line, but nothing really rings a bell. So please make it make sense as to why you had to go and make it worse for me!

The feelings I had for you never changed, but now that I know about the shit you just went and did, it's making me question who you really are and what your plan was all along. It's safe to say I didn't really love the real you, even though the love I was giving was real from the jump. But it's whatever, no hard feelings. I've moved on from the thought of you. I just thought you were better and different from the others, but I guess you proved me wrong. It's fine, no need to explain. We could have picked up where we left off, but there's no need. The feelings I still felt for you died off, and that's saying a lot already. So please don't make me do this and have me embarrass you when I just wanna forget about it all. There's no need to keep in touch or cross paths just because we're both bored.

Loving you was all I wanted to do, but the love I have for you has changed, and I don't think I can ever have the same feelings towards you again. You kind of made it seem like I was dead to you after you went and did the shit you did. It's fine, I'm not mad, it was probably your way of getting your revenge on me, but at what cost? You never cared to think about me or how I'd feel? You were still someone I cared about dearly, but then you made me realize I was just wasting my time and love. It hurt like hell finding out all the shit you went and said behind my back when you know I never talked shit about you or to you. You were once my favorite person to be around and think about, but now that's all done and over with.

When I look at you and our pics together, it's just blank stares and empty feelings. I know it wasn't supposed to go down like this, but I'm fine with it. Just gotta get some shit sorted out and hope for the best for me and you, and as much as I wanna be mad, there's no use. The anger that I hold is not worth going off on someone who can't make up their mind on what they really want and need. So just do you and forget about me like you did when I was crying in the back seat while you laughed it off. I promise the shit you think I feel you can't comprehend or understand the pain. So just get on with your own doings and forget about that night when we first met. It'll never happen the way you want it to, and I'm not going to force myself to make something happen that was out of a movie. It was literally once in a lifetime feeling, and I'm not sure if I'll ever feel like that with anyone else. 

You had your chance, and you ruined it for the both of us. I was so happy and worry-free about the things I couldn't control that being with you made me feel at peace within myself, and that's why I loved you the way that I did, even though you thought it was just an act. How can I act a certain way when I've never felt it before? Make it make sense. You had your ways with me, and I enjoyed your presence, but you kept pushing me further and further away, and for that, I just wanna know why. You made me open up and feel like I could trust you, just to shut me out. You had the charm and looks only to say sike and leave. 

You had me at my best, only to get nothing from me now. You probably wish you could go back to that day and make things right, but what was there to fix? You did what you did, and I accepted it because how could I fight for someone and something that I'll eventually ruin down the line. I knew if I had fought for us, it would have made you hate me, so maybe I am in the wrong for not trying to stay and fight and figure out what made you push me away. I guess I just didn't wanna bother with the thought of you and the things you did anymore, and the pain I would have to face afterwards was worth it more than having to hate you down the line. I guess I saved myself from hating you, even though loving you was all I wanted to do at the time. 

But it's whatever, I'm used to taking the fall and pain in the end, so it no longer bothers me. I just accept it and laugh it off. I might have rage and anger flowing through me, but it's never directed toward the ones that caused it, and I think that's what makes me so damn strong. I'd rather just use that rage and anger to write out all my feelings til I feel numb, no matter the topic or the person that's being thrown under the bus. Y'all knew better than to fuck me over, so now all your secrets are out, whether you like it or not. So keep it pushing, hoe, before I make another post about how you can't love someone correctly because of your childhood trauma. Or is it the daddy issues that you hold on to? So please don't think I forgot about the shit you told me because, like I said, I remember every word you spoke.