Blog Post 419

I Don't Need the Closure!

I never really cared about the whole idea of you and me, even though in the moment, that's all I thought I needed. But in reality, it was just a feeling that I was chasing, and you somehow made it a reality for me. You let me in just to watch me leave. You had the best of me just to turn me into something that I'm not. You wanted me all to yourself, but only when it benefited you. I was stuck in time trying to make things right, knowing the only right thing to do was to leave you be and find my way back home, knowing the ride back was going to be me crying all the pain away that you caused. You seemed to need me more than I needed you, but somewhere down the line, that all changed, and I can't help but bash myself thinking it's all my fault.

But I could be wrong about it all. Maybe somewhere down the line of you and me, something did go wrong, and I was too blind to realize what had happened. I was so focused on the beauty that you held that everything around me just became an illusion. I put the majority of my focus on pleasing you and making sure you were well and happy, that I forgot about my own mindset and feelings. I wanted to make you feel the love you deserved. I wasn't sure how else to go about it, but I did my best to make it happen, and you know how much I cared about your well-being. I guess it's just the Libra in me, I don't know. 

The only thing I knew at the time was you made me happy, so I wanted to keep it that way, even if it meant doing things I probably shouldn't have, which was so bad on my part but I didn't want things to end with you even though maybe having things end was the only way for things to get back to normal. I guess choosing peace over losing myself in the process of loving you was the better option. I never meant to make it seem like you were the bad guy. I just realized you were making me feel and do things that I didn't normally feel and do, and that had me overthinking to the point where I just started mirroring you to protect myself. It's like the last resort to keep things civil, and once it's done, that's when me walking away starts to happen, and I'm sorry if me mirroring you and your actions made you hate me even more. I just needed you to see and realize what you were doing wasn't ever in the best interest for me, as you thought it would have been.

I wanted to stop mirroring you so bad, but I got addicted to the feeling of giving you a taste of your own medicine that I couldn't help but keep doing it. I finally stopped after I walked away, and even to this day, I still end up mirroring other people just so they can see I can play both parts, and I think that's why the majority of people hate me. It's not because I'm doing too much or too little, it's because I'm doing things exactly like you just to make you realize it's you who's in the wrong. Like I said, I'm just here for the vibes and laughs, and if the vibes are off because of you, then that's on you because I only show up and observe. So it's up to you to figure out what it was you did to make me go out of my way and mirror you to have you hate me as a person, because the people I have around me always know what's up with those I no longer talk to, even when you think they don't know anything about you.