Blog Post 415

Maybe It Was for the Best

I'm no longer worried or thinking about how you perceive me as a person or your feelings towards me. All I know is I met you and somehow started having feelings for you, which was bad on my part, and I understand that was wrong of me, and I should have just denied all of them and carried on with my own doings while somehow still keeping you around. But keeping you around would have only made my feelings stronger for you, and I know you didn't want me to show any feelings other than some smiles and the truth. You really made me feel welcomed but restricted with the things I could say and do, and it was kind of confusing for me because I didn't know if me touching/being physical with you was going to make you annoyed with me or not, so I just let you take the lead, knowing I wanted to make it known that I wanted the same as you. I don't know, I guess I was caught up in the moment of mirroring your charm and kindness that I forgot about the rule system. 

I got too close to you too soon, and I knew that from the day I started linking up with you. I tried to make some space and ignore the thought of you, but the dopamine started hitting me hard, and all I could do was crave the presence of your existence, and it threw me all over the place, knowing how I hate having people around me and on my mind. It's like a prison in my own head having to worry about and make sure they're okay and if they need anything because in all honesty you might think it's in my best interest to do all that but deep down inside it's only best for you because I'm killing my inner self trying to provide you with something I never had which was a safety net and love. You can call me everything in the book, and I'll take it like a champ, but you calling me uncaring and unloving when all I ever did was treat you with love is where I have an issue. You can't accuse me of trying to mirror you when you have unsolved trauma, thinking it would make me stay after you bash me for something I didn't even do or say.

The first day I met you, I could tell you were extremely funny and goofy and good sense of humor, but then you went and said you don't really know me, and I said that's fine, not everybody shows their true colors on the first link. I was just there vibing out, enjoying your presence, nothing more, nothing less. I just wish I hadn't gotten ahead of myself thinking things would last forever. I had no intentions of having you be someone from my past, but it looks like you went ahead and made that a reality for me, and honestly, I don't mind it. It helps me fully understand the person that you really are, and it's fine. You're a bit shallow for my liking anyway. 

But don't get me wrong, I don't hate or dislike you; I'm just not as shocked as you think I would have been. I'm pretty chill about the whole thing. I just know you probably talk mad shit about me, and that's fine, but when you go around asking bout me and ask if I talk about you, they'll say he doesn't even know your name, and are you sure you have the right guy?! Making you look confused and as if I were just some imaginary friend of yours. You will never fully understand the things I did or do behind the scenes to keep my side of the streets clean and drama-free. You probably thought I kept my distance for this long because I hated you, but in reality, I forgot all about you and what you meant to me til I saw you at the game, thinking back to how things were and how happy I was with you. But then after the hug, I remembered that was never me, that was just me mirroring you, and you got what you wanted, and I left it alone.

I just know my friend didn't have to go out of her way and try to figure out what the purpose of the hug was, when in my head that was my way of saying my final goodbye and ending off the chapter between you and me, so I do sincerely apologize for that. I didn't even know she was texting you til I woke up in the morning with the screenshots of her doing it. I thought it was just going to be a phone call about the whole me seeing you, and that was it. Her texting you was so random that I'm kind of embarrassed. But after seeing what you texted back, it was clear to me that you no longer hold a purpose in my life, and there's never going to be a day I think about reaching out to you because you made your decision when you replied back to the text she sent. All is forgiven, and good luck to you and your doings. Hopefully, this jogs your memory on what I'm talking about, so please respectfully never reach out to me again, thanks!!