Blog Post 413

It'll Always Be You

When the lights go down and my friends are near, all I do is talk about you and how I can't stop myself from saying goodbye to you. It's like a feeling I can't explain because I typically don't feel much when it comes to others, but for some reason, when it comes to you, I feel everything all at once, and I'm not sure how to control it without busting out in tears. I know if I say goodbye to you all, I'm going to do is just fall back into you and figure out why it had to end. 

There's always going to be that tension between you and me, knowing that we're more than friends but less than a couple, and it's confusing the fuck out of me sometimes because I can't tell if you need and want me or if I'm just another pawn in your game of chess. It's not like it bothers me or anything that I don't know what the friendship holds between us two, I just get to thinking about all the other people you talk to when I'm not around. Like, am I supposed to be mad, or am I supposed to just let it be a hope you still have the same heart I met you with?

I keep thinking about the thought of finding someone else to keep me company, but my brain is stuck on the thought of you, and all I do is find myself at your front door wishing you'd come answer the door. I know it's not any of my business to wonder what you're doing or thinking of but when it comes to your saftey and well being that's where I'm kind of going to step over the line wheather you like it or not and I'm sorry if you can't handle that but I'm not trying to lose you like I lost someone from my past. You're way too important to me for me to just stand by and do nothing when you're going through your darkest days alone. It's not like I wanna be overprotective, but it's just that I don't want to get a call on a random night and hear that you passed away.

I just know if I'm not laughing then I'm most likely hidden away crying my eyes out thinking of all the wrongs I did bashing myself into the numbing state just to tell myself it's all fine and I'm better off on my own but then you come my way and next thing I know I'm having the best time of my life not knowing what's to come next. I keep thinking that playing it nonchalantly is the best decision, but honestly, you bring out the best in me, and being nonchalant around you is never a thing.

I tend to lose my mind when you're away, hoping that you're safe and well, as I'm breaking down the thoughts of feeling like a nobody to you when you're the only one who seems to truly get me. I'm sorry for the things I tend to say and do; it's never out of disrespect or to bash you personally. I'm just mad at myself for not knowing how to better myself when it comes to you. I just don't know why my brain makes me feel so many things when you're not around. 

I know the feelings we have for each other are normal, but for some reason, my feelings are 10x stronger when you're around, and I just stare into blank space when you're near, hoping I don't mess it up with you, which is hard to do when all I wanna do is be yours. But I know it'll never work due to the current life I have. I reach out to you overthinking the thoughts of you not wanting to talk to me, so I get my friends to ask about your doings and how you're feeling to see if it's a good time to reach out or not, just so I don't feel like I'm bothering you. I don't know, there's just a lot to process when it comes to you and I'm trying my best to not do it all at once, but here I am bringing it to the surface, crying while figuring it all out on my own, even though my friends are next to me helping me through it.

It feels like nothing ever goes my way, and the walls are slowly closing in on me, making me feel like I should just give up, even though there's nothing wrong with what we have, but for some reason, the flashbacks are making me feel like it's all my fault, and all the past relationships failing were because of me. I know deep down it wasn't all my fault, but for the most part, it's just easier to take the blame and call it a year, but then I get mad at myself for not standing up for myself and calling them out on their bullshit and letting them hate me for it.

I just hate the thought of having someone I love/loved hate me over the simplest shit that can be easily resolved by just communicating with one another. But half the time there's nothing left to say, so I'm stuck wondering why I had to go making shit worse even though I've done this shit a million times before. I tend to stick around to the very end to watch it all play out, and maybe that's my problem, I'm overstaying my welcome in other people's lives, that I forget about my own, and forget the fact that I have free will to just stop caring about the current situation that's going on. But I know me giving up on someone I care about just makes me look pathetic, and when it comes to you, I don't want you to think of me as that. I'm just trying my best to keep my cool when it comes to you, but I fucking miss you every time you're away, that I wanna book a flight and meet you at your door just to hear your voice.