Mak ￴￴Tulegenovich

Was it all a Test Being with somebody else just doesn't seem right to me when I still have you on my mind. I thought by me moving on and doing things with somebody else it would help erase you off my mind but it's just making it harder for me. I keep having flashbacks of us and I don't know why. I guess it's because me being with somebody else was just my way of trying to erase you from my life when it's just making me want you back even more. I don't know if I'm just stupid or really fucked up. I don't hate the thought of you I just hate the thought of me knowing I can never go back to you and it hurts. But I just have to learn to move on and not look back even though it's the hardest thing for me to do right now. But it shouldn't be considering this was what I thought was best for me so why does it feel like part of me is dying when all I'm trying to do it just move on from everything we once had. Maybe me being with you was just a...

Was It Worth It Talking with you was easy. Being next to you was even easier. But why was loving you so complicated? Was the timing off, or was it just too soon to start saying I love you? I can't tell, considering you told me to tell you how I felt, and I did just that, only to get torn apart. So was it really worth me telling you how I felt, or was it just so you could tear me apart? I'm still confused about the whole situation and can't tell if it was your way of finding out how I really felt about you, just so you could end things, and I wouldn't have had to catch more feelings for you, or did you really have intentions of hurting me so I'd walk away? I really don't know what it was, but I can't get over the thought of me sitting on your bed and having to listen to everything you were saying to me. It hurt like hell knowing things were ending, but I wish I had stuck around to make things better but I just walked away because I felt like I was losing you...

I Want You to Know Pt. 2 I'm not trying to seem rude or make you upset I'm just being honest and if you can't accept the way I feel about all of this then maybe we really shouldn't bother with one another and just go our own separate ways like you said. But I'm just letting you know if there's the slightest chance of you wanting to be friends again then make it known and I'll accept but don't bother waiting your whole life because I'll be in college this fall and I plan on meeting a lot of people and potentially want to start dating someone and making a whole new life for myself. I just don't want to feel like I'm holding you back and I also don't want you to think you're holding me back because that's not the case.  I just think we need time to grow and get our shit together and figure out what it is we want in life and maybe in the future, we can come to our senses and move on from our past and go on from there. But in the me...

I Want You to Know Pt. 1 I'm sure you're used to lying but I just have to know if he's really the one for you or is he just the one who makes you go back to the past and has you feeling the same things you once felt with me for him? That's all I think about now knowing you could never get him off your mind. I just gotta be upfront now since it's already been asked and I just want to know if the choices you made are worth the pain you're about to go through knowing it's too late for takebacks. So please just let me have it and let me know because from where I'm standing it's clear that he's the one you've been waiting for all this time. So why bother thinking about me knowing I'm not thinking about you other than the blog post I need to publish to move on from it all. I just hope he makes you laugh like I made you laugh. I hope he has deep a connection with you like I once did with you. I hope he treats you right like how I once did. ...

Thank You For The Pain I just want to thank you for the pain you made me feel. If it wasn't for you and the things you made me feel then it wouldn't have been real to me. I wouldn't be here blogging about everything that I was feeling/going through after you ended up pushing me away and having me walk away from it all. It kills me knowing that the pain I felt was real and I wish it wasn't but it was and it still is but it's okay because I learned to deal with it and learned how to move on from what went down knowing it was over between us two for good. I hated the thought of us being over and not ever seeing one another but now that I'm thinking about it I think it was best for the both of us. Even though you thought otherwise which you did considering you said we could still be friends and I just wasn't having that and I'm glad I chose not to be friends with you anymore. I just feel like If I didn't end things the night that I did I wouldn...

Sex with the Ex I hope you understand that I'm not mad I'm just hella shocked that a friend of mine saw you liked your ex's Instagram photo he posted on the night of me walking away and you texting me asking if I'm okay? No, the fuck I'm not okay but it's cool because I no longer need to tell you how I'm doing knowing you already ran back to your ex like a lost pup. So that shit kinda messed me up in a way cause I feel like my predictions came true about you and your ex. You were still talking to him on the low and probably hiding his messages from me so I wouldn't see them but I'm not stressing because like I said I know the real you now and I just can't be around that fake shit. So I hope the decision you made was well worth it because I'm moving on and getting my life back together and not giving a fuck about us/what we once had or what you claimed we had.  I just can't believe the moment I walked out you went ahead and starte...

This is the End I no longer feel the need to hide my feelings when it's clear I still have some left from us being together. I guess it's true I need someone to be with me but only if they're the right one for me and I thought you were considering we never once fought or had any problems other than towards the end. I just don't understand how it was so easy being with you but now that I'm no longer talking to you or thinking of you it's harder than ever to see things through. I don't know if it's just me holding on to something still or if it's just the process of knowing I'm letting go. I'm waiting for the worst parts to be erased first and the best parts for last. I really don't know why I'm like this. I just really wish things could've ended in a different way but it's too late for that. I really am the type to move on quickly but being with you and everything we talked about and did together it's hard to just ...

Farewell You showed me reasons why I should love but also showed me reasons I shouldn't and I thank you for that. You helped me learn along the way about things I should say and shouldn't say. You helped me get through a lot of things these past few weeks and for that I thank you. I just wish it didn't have to end so soon but I guess it just wasn't meant to be and I've learned to accept that. I just really hope you're doing great and living your best life with someone else. I don't have anything left to say other than to wish you the best of luck, knowing we both need to just move on and stop thinking about one another. I know I said things that hurt you, even though I was just trying to see where your head was at with everything, and for that, I apologize. I know there could've been a different way but I just got caught up in thinking that things could never be the same now and it would just be easier if I ended things but now I see how much it...

Did You Really Mean It Did you really not have feelings for me or was it so you could go be with someone else? Considering you're no longer in the same town by the looks of it. It's clear to me you were just wasting your time with me. It kind of all makes sense now. Being distant during certain times and saying things that made me walk away knowing that's not what I wanted. So yeah it makes sense now. I just don't understand why you didn't tell me you were already talking to someone else. I would've never told you I had feelings for you. I would've just let you do you without me having to think about you and what you were up to. But like you said you're messed up and I can see why. You're not being truthful to yourself or the people you get close to it seems. But I'm no longer with you/talking to you so I can't worry about that anymore considering that's your problem now. I wish I could help you but you pushed me away and I tried...

Walk Away So it turns out I fucking suck at dating/being with someone and I know my recent said it was them not me but I feel like in a way they were just saying that so they wouldn't hurt me. But I understood everything that they were saying even though I feel like that person didn't think I did. I really liked this person and gave all my time into them and even then things didn't work out. I guess I really am just fucked up when it comes to relationships/dating someone no matter what the situation is. I don't know why my life has to be so fucking complicated when it comes to being intimate with someone. I just hate how things ended up at the end. I ended up blocking them and forgetting all about us and the things we did together. Fuck why is being with someone you like so easy but when breaking things off/cutting ties it hurts like hell? I'm so annoyed at myself for thinking things could work/last knowing it could end at any moment. I just don't even ...