Mak ￴￴Tulegenovich

The Pain in My Eyes Please don’t think I’m blaming you or anyone else around me, but I'm telling you how things are for me when it comes to you and the people you bring around me! I know I’m not the most open person when it comes to my feelings but I thought by the look in my eyes you’d see that shit was bothering me but all you did was just accept my silence and continued to do your things with no questions ask and honestly I’m not sure if I should feel offended or if I should be relieved that I’m not having to explain myself every time it happens! I just feel like most things are better to go unnoticed so I don’t have to feel the effect of it and continue living free, even though I know sooner or later it’s going to come back hitting 10 times harder than before, making me ask myself what the point of it all was! I know I walk away from all wrongs and the shit I don’t care to deal with and process, but when it comes to you, I’m stuck in time trying to process it all as if it was m...

Back to the Basics Hey, sorry, I don't really have much to say or talk about right now. I'm still stuck in the moving phase of my life and trying to get shit packed and sold/thrown away. I have a feeling that once I leave, my mind will go back to being in the creative space again, but right now it's just stuck on moving and nothing else. I know I have a few topics that are in my drafts that I wanna go in and write about, but I just can't seem to get in the headspace to do so, and it's lowkey confusing me. I'm stuck trying to figure out if this is the end of all the creativity or if it'll kick back up once I get settled down in Florida and start getting more inspiration from the things down there. Because as of right now, there's literally nothing going on in my life worthy of my time to go out of my way to talk about. I'm pretty much in a solid place of peace of mind and just letting things be for what they are. I know some of my closest friends have...

N.C to FL I can't believe it's finally happening!!! I'm so excited for this new chapter in my life of getting out of this small town I'm currently in and going somewhere where I feel like I belong! I know I've been going back and forth on where to move and when to do it, but I think it's finally time to stop thinking and take some action. So I called my mother one day and said, " Hey, I wanna leave North Carolina and she said okay where would you like to move to and I said I was thinking Florida, and she said, " Okay, " and now I'm ending my lease, selling all of my stuff, and packing away what little left I have to bring with me. I know this move is going to be good for my mental health since I'll be with my dog and mom, but overall, just the atmosphere of nobody knowing me and I can just create a name for myself elsewhere with no drama and make new friends, which will involve me getting out of my comfort zone. But I think it'll be al...

You Lied! That's My Issue!! Yo, stop coming around me just to lie! That shit is so annoying and childish! You claimed you were an adult, but you over here lying to strangers faces about your age just for sex is giving mentally ill and childish! You’re gonna get caught and get your ass handed to you or worse, and honestly, if worse happens to you, then so be it! I hope karma gets her way with you and you’ll finally see how detrimental that is to certain people! Most people don’t take that shit lightly, so for you to keep doing it just for some sex is wild! Never thought I’d come across that shit again in my life, but nope, here we are! Like, do people not be thinking, or are y'all just about as clueless as Blue's Clues? Because what the fuck is wrong with you and whoever likes to lie about their age! Like what the fuck has society come to?!  Y’all normalize lying so much about the wrongdoings that it makes me stop asking questions about you; just ignore your entire ex...

Can't Feel a Damn Thing! Yeah, I’m so zoned out of all the feelings I tried so hard to keep around that are dead and gone! There’s nothing left of me for you to gain or manipulate out of me! I’m so done with it all that everything feels like a joke to me, so now all I do is laugh and carry on! I no longer care to ask follow-up questions or wonder why shit happened the way it did! Ended up letting go way too much way too quickly, and honestly I don’t mind it! Found out what people were really wanting from me, and I didn’t find it worth my time, so I cut them all out and ghosted my entire bloodline! I no longer have it in me to make or find the time for others in my life! Fuck you and everyone that knows me / of me! I don’t care for this life enough to sit around and fake shit with people!  If you got me feeling some type of way, you’re done, and you won’t hear from me ever again! Stop thinking shit so personal! I’ve always been like this! Not sure why it’s such a shocker when it hap...

When There's Nobody Around / Unprocessed Thoughts Trying my best to avoid these feelings, but lately all I've been doing is thinking about you and me, and I know I shouldn't. Still, sometimes there are nights where it feels like I'm running after you knowing you're not really there, and I wish I knew what causes me to feel that way, but so far no answers have been found only the silence in the night. I  know you, and I will never cross paths or anything like that. But I still wonder why we had to pack our bags and go our separate ways when all we do is keep searching for one another late at night when the stars come out, and the moon shines bright, making me feel as if you're nearby.  But no matter how long I keep going out of my way to search for you, the only thing I'm left with is the empty thoughts of how things used to be between us. I know my heart and mind may never truly let me feel the things that need to be felt or shown, but sometimes I wish you c...

I Only Want Myself Please don't take this the wrong way, but you have nothing that I would need or want to make me happy, so please stop coming up to me as if you have what I want. There's nothing that you could say or do to make me change my mind when my mind about you and everyone around me has been made. I'm too deep in thought of my own self and needs that having to bother with someone else / new just makes my stomach hurt. I don't see the point or value in letting someone in just so they can hurt me in the process and then leaving once they get what they want. That shit never ends well for either party involved, and knowing how I like to get my get-backs, it's always them who's left in shock at what I'm really capable of, and that's why I choose to stay to myself and let others come to me just to shut them out. Because what even made you want to come near me when I make it my business to make sure no one approaches me? I don't have any means to ...

There's No Better Way to Put It If you’re reading this, then know I never meant to shut you out; it’s just all I know! You know me better than anyone you’ve come across, yet you still ask me what’s going on, and all I gotta do is give you a look, and you automatically know what’s going on! I hate that sometimes you even have to ask me when it’s all right there in the late-night text I send your way, hoping you’d forget all about them when you wake up in the morning! But you come knocking on my door instead and ask if I’m okay! You do the most sometimes, making me wonder what you’re doing and if it’s just an act or if you actually care about my well-being!  You give off two sides to yourself, making me question your doings sometimes, making me think it’s just an act, but then you overstay your welcome, making me feel like I need to act as if everything is better now that you’re here, hoping you’d leave again! There’s no better way of saying it other than sometimes I like you ...

No Place to Hide I know this has nothing to do with anyone in my life, but I figured I’d see what I can get out of it since it’s late at night and my thoughts are starting to get loose. I feel like the truth will never fully be shown or come my way, so when I go out and look for it, I come back feeling unwell and lost, thinking it was just a waste of time. I know things happen for a reason and shit never goes as planned. But for some reason, when it comes to you, everything around me makes me question all our doings. I can’t tell if this is the life I was born to live with, or if you're the one who’s supposed to take me out of it and show me the truth that’s been hidden away from me all these years. I can’t help but think of you day and night, searching for you in the empty streets I come across, thinking that you’ll come out of the shadows and tell me what I’ve been needing to hear. You’re the one who crosses my mind day and night, knowing there’s no telling when I’ll see you agai...

There's No Need to Worry / Flip the Script and Go!! Hey, sorry, I know there's not much to say right now, but I just gotta let you know that I've been thinking a lot about you lately, and I haven't been able to stop when I know I should. I know this feeling will pass eventually, but in the meantime I'm just going to use this time to let you know everything that's been going on with me when it comes to the thought of you, so if it seems out of place I apologize in advance. I guess part of me still thinks there's a chance you and I will cross paths again one day and get to talking, only to lose track of time and make it work for the second time around. I know my presence seems to come and go like the seasons change, but the truth is it's never been that easy for me to watch you go and have me stay behind where you left me. I wish I could go with you sometimes, but then again I let the thoughts of hurting you and letting you down along the way cause me to s...

Do You Ever Think About the Shit You Did? I know it’s no longer my place to wonder about you, but sometimes I feel like I need to check up on you and see how you’ve been doing, and hope everything’s been going well for you, but then again, what’s the point of it?! It would only make me seem like I’m trying to gain something from you when in reality, that’s never been the case when I think of you! I actually did care for you from the moment we met, but I know my heart and mind were on other things, and that’s my fault! I just wish you were still around so I wouldn’t feel so lost in this world! Sometimes I go back on our old photos, thinking back to what we once had, only to realize it’ll never happen again because of our decisions in the past, and it sucks it had to be that way, but it was your call, and I just accepted it, thinking nothing of it at the time!  But as time went on, I kept having thoughts about you, making me wonder if it was really worth going through the pain of era...

Just Promise Me One Thing Wish I knew where to go from here without you next to me. I thought we got it right between us two, but I guess my avoidant issues came into play, and I thought of you as nothing more than just another memory in the works. It sucks it came to this, but it's whatever. You must've said or done something that was no longer worth my time, and that's fucked up on my part because I thought you were pretty cool, but it looks like my brain and heart had other plans. I knew eventually this would happen but didn't think it would actually be so soon.  But I can't rewind time or bring you back when it has already happened. All we can do now is just cross paths and act as if we never met and go about our lives as we normally would do. I know you must've thought of me as someone you could rely on and depend on, but the truth is I'm way too hyper-independent to be giving it my all towards someone. I'd rather give it my all in the creative work...

Head to Toe I Don't Remember You Never gave a fuck about you or the shit you did. I just wanted to see what you were about, and turns out you were never really the one I could talk to. So I cut my ties and forgot about you. It wasn't anything that you did. I'm just to self centered and only focused on myself to give a damn about someone else and their life. I'm not trying to go out of my way and be a bother to others. So I sit back and avoid the drama, watching it all unfold but don't say a word because what's the point? Everyone always wants a reaction from me just to watch me walk out the door and go back to bed because what the fuck do I look like being entertained by some fuck shit that you did? It's so pointless and useless at this point. You're a whole grown man with a fucking kid, and you wanna go out of your way and get mad at me for something that was never even about you. It's like y'all are all the same, just in different fonts. I don...

Bad for Me You know who you are, so don't be shocked when this gets to you. It's just easier this way than having to track you down as if you're a missing person. I know where you stay and go; I just choose to stay clear of all those places. I feel like the timing is never on my side when I see you, so I let the time go by as the thought of you slowly slips away, making me forget what you were to me. I go to bed late at night thinking about what it could have all meant, only to have no recollection of it in the morning. I feel you watching me whenever I'm out and about, only to look around and see an empty street. I don't know what it all means right now, but eventually it'll all come clear to me as to why your presence is lingering in the void as if it's trying to escape and come my way, knowing there's no more room for me in your life. At least not from when we last spoke. But if you're ever near and need to talk, then please feel free to do so; I ...

Not Sure What This Is... I know I did some more digging on my origins and wanted to see if the orphanage I was from was still around, but I didn't find any clues, so I just watched some videos on adoption agencies in Kazakhstan and still didn't find the building I was looking for. I know there's more than one adoption house in Kazakhstan, but for me to not find the one that I was photographed in front of is kind of odd, don't you think, or am I just tripping? Yeah, they could have changed the color of it, but the entire structure of a building? Please be so for real. What do you mean you can't find this building? It's in a city that still exists to this day, so why can't I find it? Like, a building doesn't just get up and walk away, ya know. I mean, it could have been torn down or whatever, but then I'd want to know why it was torn down and whether there are any secrets that it held. I don't know; I just wanna figure out why my existence was ever...