Mak ￴￴Tulegenovich

I'm a Ghost To You I'm not even going to go into the past considering the past few days were hell for me after you pulling the trigger and ending everything I tried to rebuild. So now I'm stuck trying to figure out what I want in life other than having to feel the worst feeling ever and going through the shit I went with you. I need to move past all of this and understand that the person I was with made me into something that I wasn't and I blame myself for letting them exploit me the way they did. So now I'm stuck questioning everyone I talk and meet up with knowing shit could go sideways at any moment. It's not hard on me it's just complicated in a way considering people are going to talk and ask questions regardless and I'm just not ready to be any part of that right now. So it's best if I stay to myself for the next few weeks or until it all dies down and I get my feelings back to normal. I honestly think I'm doing the right thing by lea...

Find Myself Again It's clear I was never the one you wanted because my love never seemed to faze you and it's hurting like hell knowing that. So why did it feel so fucking amazing with you if my love never fazed you? I just wish you could tell me why you did all the things you did so I'd stop questioning everything that happened between us two. I need to know why you did the things you did from the good to the bad and why you made me feel the way I did in just 4 months. It's so strange knowing someone like you did all that and walked away without an explanation. I guess you didn't see how much I cared about you or even cared to acknowledge it so you took it as a joke and thought the feelings that I had for you wouldn't last and were just a joke. I don't know why considering everything was going so well and I even told you how I felt towards you several times. So why bother questioning it or joke about it? I just wish you didn't play me the way y...

My Mistake It was my mistake for trying to make things right with you, and for that I apologize. I just thought if you knew how sorry I was, you'd ease up on your pain, but clearly, that didn't work for you. So I'm done talking with you/about you. Don't you dare ever say I didn't try to make things right, because I tried numerous times, but you kept denying each one. So save your bullshit for someone who's down to listen, because I won't be sticking around anymore to acknowledge your existence. I've moved on from this chapter in my life, and now I'm on to the next. I told everyone that I was close to and trusted my experience with you, so don't be surprised if you get looked at in certain areas around town, especially at the mall, because people know about you now. I don't need to feel sorry for you or feel anything in general when it comes to you. You're my past, so just stay there. Don't try and hop into my present or even ...

What Was It About You What was it about you that made me want to explain everything that was wrong with me to you? It was so amazing to me how I met you and I could just open up about everything with you. There was no bullshit or lies just a lot of feelings hitting me all at once. So what was it about you that made me feel that way? You thought I was playing when I said I loved you first but I wasn't. I really meant it. Considering I knew what it felt like because it felt so unreal knowing it was all because of you. So now I'm stuck between loving you still or drowning myself in alcohol from all the pain I caused you. I just know I'll go down knowing I still had feelings for you and still wanted to get a redo with you and move on from my past mistakes. So what it is about you that makes me want to keep running back to you even though it's killing me knowing you'll never talk to me ever again. Why do I keep killing myself just so I don't have to feel...

I Should Just Be Alone I really don't have anything left to say or have anything to think about considering I used all my feelings and thoughts on you and now that you're out of my life I'm back to feeling empty and alone. I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do other than sleep and drink my life away. It's a constant battle with me right now and people around me are trying to help me get through this but I'm becoming more aggressive by the day and I no longer bother doing anything with my life anymore. I feel so sad and I'm never sad. I'm usually annoyed or pleased with certain things in my life. But I guess this is what sadness feels like. Never thought I even had this feeling in me considering I've never been sad about that many things before in my life and never to the point where I feel like crying.  Why am I and my life such a mess right now? I really don't understand any of the things I'm doing or saying it feels like. ...

Should've Never Met You So I drank alcohol for the first time today. Had 4 Bud Lights and I'm not even the type to drink or even think about it. But something clicked today and I don't know if it was because I saw you or if I was just trying to drown myself in alcohol, either way, I'm fine with it. It helped me deal with the pain. Not sure how I was even able to drive home but I did and that's the fucked up part. I never drank that much alcohol before in my life and I never wanted to but you did something that had me so fucked up that I basically was killing myself and didn't even care to bother to stop. I wanted to get rid of everything that I was feeling so bad but couldn't so I went straight to the alcohol and that's so fucked up on my part.  I can't believe I drank 4 bud lights and managed to drive my ass home. I clearly didn't drink enough since I was able to drive home just fine. I did however almost hit a car or whatever but fuck ...

Still Alive Some How Fuck why am I such a dick sometimes? All I want to do is talk to you and be with you but I went and fucked all that shit up and for what? I'm so confused with everything that's happened and I can't seem to get over it or you. All I want to do is just talk with you like how I used to be able to but I don't want to make it seem like a joke to you when I say I fucked up and I should've never had my phone to begin with. I really just want to make sure you know I mean every word I say but knowing you you'll never know or understand how much this is hurting me even though I can't stop talking/blogging about it. Why does everything I feel at ease when I write it down? I really wish we could talk to one another right now. I just don't feel at ease with myself anymore and knowing me I need to be if I want to continue living my life but how can I continue with my life if I know I fucked up someone else's life up and can't do a...

Rather Not Feel Anything So I guess this is what people mean when they say "You Never Know How Good You Have It Until It's Gone". I finally see what they mean by it. I guess I'm just so used to people coming and going that I never checked to realize that. But with you I did and I noticed everything that was good about you and me and that's never been the case with anyone. Usually, it's just a come and go as you please with other people for me. But with it was way more than that and I'm not understanding why that is. I can't tell if it was really because I fell in love with you way too hard and didn't know how to handle it so I was doing everything I could to keep you/have you in my life or if I was just ignoring every sign that was being thrown at my head that I got blinded by my own wrongdoings and never noticed how it could turn out for the worst. I just really don't understand any of the things that I'm doing or the pain that I...

I Fucked Up I'll never be able to live this down or forget about everything that I did to you. I'm just actually glad I gave/leaked my number to the public/online world. I'm starting to understand the shit I did was never to be even thought of doing or to actually be done to someone I cared about. I had so many texts coming in my phone basically crashed and I'm like oh shit and finally got my phone to work again after 15 minutes of it being off. So I went and read about like 30 people's text saying how they felt about the situation. Some agreed to an extent but majority of them just said it was really fucked up what I did to you and I just replied with I agree. Some even asked the same question as you "Why do this to someone you care about?" and I just didn't respond because I felt like none of my answers would've justified the question and if I would've responded it would have just turned out to be even worse. So I just didn't even re...

Just Stop If you're still trying to harass the guy I exposed please just fucking stop. If you wanna harass someone harass me. Not him. He didn't do anything wrong. Please just leave him alone. I'm tired of thinking about all the pain I caused him when I know I shouldn't have done any of the things I did in the first place. So if it's anyone who should be getting all the hate it's me. I was just experimenting with my sexuality and took it too far and ruined a good thing with a cool person and for that, I can never let it go/forget about it. I just never saw it coming considering I was blinded by everything I was feeling for him and for that I'm sorry.  So please just leave him alone. Don't text him/call him/facetime him if you got his number from me. I'm trying to move on but I'll never be able to do so if I know he's still getting harassed/called out for something he didn't do. It's my fault for putting him in this position w...

Cut Ties This pain you've given me is helping me think through everything in peace. I remember when I felt nothing and I didn't know what to say but now that you've given me something to feel so I can get back to my normal self. Anti-social and a loner. So for that, I thank you. I don't need you to explain anything to me considering I'm done with you and put everything we've been through behind me. I put all the feelings that I had for you behind me and moved on. I don't see the need to keep talking about you when I'll have nothing left to say after this post is up. I just hope what you did to me was worth the outcome. I should've known better than to talk to you that day. I said I was scared of losing you but turns out I'm not and actually okay with the fact that I no longer have you in my life. If you really cared about someone you would've never resulted in violence and that shit right there just says a lot about you. So if we con...

Moving On I will never be okay with the shit you did to me/had me feel. I can't believe I even tried reasoning with you. But like with most people it goes in one ear and out the other. Fuck why did I ever waste my time being/talking with you? You're so clueless as to how others feel after the mistakes they made/make. All you ever did was kept saying how I hurt you and I couldn't even say sorry about it because you kept denying all of my apologies so what else could I have said? I don't give a fuck? When clearly I did. I don't understand what else I could've said when sorry is all you can really say when trying to apologize. There aren't that many words that can resemble it but if you have another word I could've used/said to you then that would've been highly appreciated. I already used "I Fucked Up Bad I Know", "I Can't Take It Back Even Though I Wish I Could" I've used everything in the book when it came to this scen...

I'll Never Be Able To Take It Back There's nothing I can say or do to take back what I did. I should've never posted the shit I posted. But I got so annoyed and really thought you were cheating on me and I didn't stop to think if it was a joke or the real thing and for that, I apologize. I don't know why I did it, to be honest. I guess I'm just so used to people cheating on me when I leave out of town that it makes it hard for me to trust others. I'm not saying it's your fault because it's all on me and if I could take it back everything I said and did this past week I would. I just don't understand why I do the shit I do. It's so annoying and I really wished I never hit your nose. I just had a reflex so quickly I ended up making contact with your face even though I wasn't actually planning on making any kind of contact with you at all and I definitely didn't mean to have your nose bleed. I rushed out of there the way I did becaus...