Blog Post 121

I'll Never Be Able To Take It Back

There's nothing I can say or do to take back what I did. I should've never posted the shit I posted. But I got so annoyed and really thought you were cheating on me and I didn't stop to think if it was a joke or the real thing and for that, I apologize. I don't know why I did it, to be honest. I guess I'm just so used to people cheating on me when I leave out of town that it makes it hard for me to trust others. I'm not saying it's your fault because it's all on me and if I could take it back everything I said and did this past week I would. I just don't understand why I do the shit I do. It's so annoying and I really wished I never hit your nose. I just had a reflex so quickly I ended up making contact with your face even though I wasn't actually planning on making any kind of contact with you at all and I definitely didn't mean to have your nose bleed. I rushed out of there the way I did because I felt so bad and hurt all because I actually punched you and made your nose bleed.

I went and changed my phone number but I haven't turned on my phone at all. I just let people know yesterday what had happened before I changed my number so nobody has been able to get in touch with me so that's why you've probably been receiving calls and text from a variety of number asking what happened and if you fought me. I'm sorry for having people hate/bully you. I wish they did that to me instead of you. I never meant for all of this to happen to you. I feel so stupid knowing I did all of this just because I didn't stop and think of what could happen to you and your life. I have nothing left to say to you considering I don't even know you anymore/know who I am. I feel hella lost in a way. I've lost touch of what's important to me when all it used to be was you but I fucked that up so bad that I can never have you forgive me/make contact with me ever again. I don't want to know about anything that you do. I don't care about what it is you're doing. I don't care to deal with you. I just don't care anymore / tired of caring. I'm already in the process of erasing you from my life. I'm keeping my mind so busy at the moment that I'm lightheaded and stressed constantly it seems. 

I need to accept the fact that you no longer exist and just have to move on with my life. I've never been good at apologies/making up and there's really no need to do that with you anyways considering I hurt you enough as it is and having you see me will just result in more violence and I'm done fighting/don't like doing it. I told you I never wanted to hit or fight you in the first place. I just really need to move on from you and all this and just go my own way and you do too.

If you're asking yourself if it was all worth it for you I would just be honest with you and say no. We clearly kept fighting and made bad choices with everything we did and then made up the next few days and it was so annoying for me. So why would you even go wasting your time asking if it was worth it? When you clearly know it wasn't for the both of us. Unless you're so used to seeing the physical abuse that it's normal for you. But for me, it's not and I don't understand how to deal with it/take it. I'm used to people hating on me for sure but physical abuse I stand clear from. I don't see the need for it when it can honestly just be avoided. But I guess you're so used to seeing it that's all you know and I'm sorry that you have to go through that. But you shouldn't always result in violence even if that's how you deal with it.

Please don't try finding me/look me up considering I don't have any social media or phone at the moment. I just need a lot of space from people and just get my shit back together. Cause I'm so confused at the moment that it's killing me on the inside and I can't seem to function like how I used to before we met face to face with one another for the first time.