Blog Post 130

What Was It About You

What was it about you that made me want to explain everything that was wrong with me to you? It was so amazing to me how I met you and I could just open up about everything with you. There was no bullshit or lies just a lot of feelings hitting me all at once. So what was it about you that made me feel that way?

You thought I was playing when I said I loved you first but I wasn't. I really meant it. Considering I knew what it felt like because it felt so unreal knowing it was all because of you. So now I'm stuck between loving you still or drowning myself in alcohol from all the pain I caused you. I just know I'll go down knowing I still had feelings for you and still wanted to get a redo with you and move on from my past mistakes.

So what it is about you that makes me want to keep running back to you even though it's killing me knowing you'll never talk to me ever again. Why do I keep killing myself just so I don't have to feel anything but emptiness and numbness? I really wish I could stop thinking about you but it's so hard on me considering I loved you and you'll never that understand that unless you read this.

I just really wish I knew what it was about you that made me feel so open and have me put all my feelings out like that for you. Was it your looks and charm or was it the way you said things to make me feel better or was it just the fact that I liked talking with you and being there for you? I honestly don't know but I know for a fact I don't regret doing the things I did with you when we first met up or the second time. I just really regret going to Instagram and posting that shit.

I'm thinking about you way more than I should be and just how everything came to be between us even though I thought none of this would actually happen considering I've always been on my own. But I guess you had something that was worth coming back to. I never understood my feelings towards someone else but when it came to you I understood perfectly and my biggest question is why. Why was it so easy to love you and make things happen between you and me when this whole thing was all new to me. It's like I've done this before when I never have but somehow knew exactly what to do in a way.

I just wish I knew why I loved you the way I did knowing it could it all fall apart but not the way I expected. I just really wish we could talk about things how we used to and move on from my stupidity and focus on other things. Instead, I'm having to put all my thoughts and feelings into a blog post. I know I did so much damage to your life and you feel like there's no point talking to me and you should just ignore me which is fine with me but just know I still care about you even though I know I shouldn't and should just move on from this considering how bad I fucked your life up.

I just don't understand why I still care about you but I do and I wish I knew why so I could tell you but I can't because I have nothing as to why I still care about you. But I can tell I still care about you because I'm still thinking about you and it seems I still have feelings for you even though I know you have nothing to show me other than your hate towards me. Which I accept in every form considering I deserve your hate. I just hope you know that I know and understand how bad I fucked things up with you and I can just move on from this and have me focus on other things other than you. Because clearly, you don't seem to want anything to do with me so I'll just walk away from you and all of this even though it's going to hurt 10x worse than it already does.