Blog Post 133

I'm a Ghost To You

I'm not even going to go into the past considering the past few days were hell for me after you pulling the trigger and ending everything I tried to rebuild. So now I'm stuck trying to figure out what I want in life other than having to feel the worst feeling ever and going through the shit I went with you. I need to move past all of this and understand that the person I was with made me into something that I wasn't and I blame myself for letting them exploit me the way they did. So now I'm stuck questioning everyone I talk and meet up with knowing shit could go sideways at any moment. It's not hard on me it's just complicated in a way considering people are going to talk and ask questions regardless and I'm just not ready to be any part of that right now. So it's best if I stay to myself for the next few weeks or until it all dies down and I get my feelings back to normal.

I honestly think I'm doing the right thing by leaving everything I built with you in the past to rot and fade away. There's no point in looking back now when everything is slowly fading away. I just hope it doesn't stop fading midway or I'll always have something to look back on even though I don't want to. It's too fucking stressful on me knowing I can never be the same again with my emotions or feelings all because of you. It's crazy how I thought I could trust you just to have you tear me apart and be fine with it. I honestly just don't understand life and how it works anymore at the moment. It's so annoying to me knowing I'll always remember you but only for the negatives that you put me through. I wish I could remember the good with you but it's clear nothing was ever good about you.

It's fucking me up knowing I had feelings for you but now I have to somehow find a way to erase every trace of you out of my life and act as if we never met/know each other. But it's so hard on me considering I know you exist I just have nothing left to say to you or want anything to do with you and my body isn't reacting well to it. Probably because it's heartbreaking knowing I have to do all of this on my own just so I can move on and it's tearing me apart for some reason. I just need to get my head clear and move on like I've been telling myself these past few days. I'm done draining myself and drinking myself to sleep all because of you and my mistakes. Just need to learn from it and accept it and make sure it never happens again.

I'm really sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry I thought the worst of you. I'm sorry for posting the shit I posted. I'm sorry for every wrong I ever did to you. I'm just sorry about every negative thing I did to you. I know I'll never be able to say sorry to you ever again so this will just have to do. I know you'll never talk to me ever again so that's why I'm getting all of this out the way so I can go ahead and move on without having you on my mind and constantly reliving the past. Don't worry about me I'll be fine. Don't bother acknowledging me I'll be fine. Just see me as a ghost who can't be talked to or reasoned with. It's the best way I can relate myself to you with everything that's happened between us two.