Blog Post 132

Find Myself Again

It's clear I was never the one you wanted because my love never seemed to faze you and it's hurting like hell knowing that. So why did it feel so fucking amazing with you if my love never fazed you? I just wish you could tell me why you did all the things you did so I'd stop questioning everything that happened between us two. I need to know why you did the things you did from the good to the bad and why you made me feel the way I did in just 4 months. It's so strange knowing someone like you did all that and walked away without an explanation.

I guess you didn't see how much I cared about you or even cared to acknowledge it so you took it as a joke and thought the feelings that I had for you wouldn't last and were just a joke. I don't know why considering everything was going so well and I even told you how I felt towards you several times. So why bother questioning it or joke about it? I just wish you didn't play me the way you did when I left out of town. If I could reverse time I would and tell you not to play me the way you planned to do. But it's too late and it's hard knowing things before they actually happen. So there's really no right way to really react to any of it.

I just know there should still be an us if things didn't happen the way they did and for that I'm sorry. I know there's no point in taking back everything we said/text about one another considering the damage has already been dealt with. I just thought there could have been another way for us to get past/through this together but clearly, you didn't seem to think so even though I thought I had a way. But it's fine now. I'm no longer dealing with the pain I caused you or felt from causing it. I had to get my mind right and go back to my old routine knowing I had to leave you in the past.

It was just really hard the first 5 days because I still thought about texting you in the morning like how I used to making sure you were feeling okay. I think I still did that because it was the only way I knew what I felt for you/had with you was real and I appreciated you being in my life. But that's all changed and it's just going to take time trying to erase everything I used to do with you and the things we used to talk about. It's so hard moving on but I need to find a way to push through knowing it'll help me learn from the mistakes I made with you so I'll never end up doing the same thing to someone else that I end up falling in love with.

I probably won't be falling in love anytime soon considering I need a lot of time for my heart to heal. I'll still continue to party and drink with friends but I just won't be getting attached to others like I did with you even though I might really want to. I just need to focus on myself right now and not anyone else that may come into my life. I guess I'll just ignore everyone around me until I figure this shit out on my own but I may end up ignoring the one person who can help me get through this heartbreak/complication in my life and that would really suck on my part. I really want to move on and not deal with this pain anymore but I don't know why I'm so scared of doing it. I guess part of me is still holding on to something that seems invisible/out of reach and I don't know why. It's clear to me I need to move on but why do I still feel like I'm being dragged down by something that isn't even there.

I wish I had all of this pain and feelings past me but it's never easy on me trying to erase people I loved and cared about for some reason. I think I just hate knowing I'll never have anything to do with them and I don't know how to accept that. I really wish I could accept it and know things will get better but I guess my body, brain & feelings just aren't like that. I think my past relationships really made it hard for me to face the facts or something and for that, I blame my past relationships. I just hope one day you don't come running back because it's already too late for that and I hope I don't end up running back to you either because I've already known it's been too late to do such a thing when you've told me 20x already.

I hope these are all the feelings I have left for you because I'm really not trying to feel anything anymore when it comes to you. So if this is all of the things I have left to talk about and feel towards you then it's time to move on, let all of this shit go, and stop suffering from all the pain. It's time to move on to chapter 22 and make the best of it. But I don't mind trying to find myself again if that's what I have to do to move on even if it does take a year or 3 to completely know and understand myself to a full capacity!