Blog Post 128

Should've Never Met You

So I drank alcohol for the first time today. Had 4 Bud Lights and I'm not even the type to drink or even think about it. But something clicked today and I don't know if it was because I saw you or if I was just trying to drown myself in alcohol, either way, I'm fine with it. It helped me deal with the pain. Not sure how I was even able to drive home but I did and that's the fucked up part. I never drank that much alcohol before in my life and I never wanted to but you did something that had me so fucked up that I basically was killing myself and didn't even care to bother to stop. I wanted to get rid of everything that I was feeling so bad but couldn't so I went straight to the alcohol and that's so fucked up on my part. 

I can't believe I drank 4 bud lights and managed to drive my ass home. I clearly didn't drink enough since I was able to drive home just fine. I did however almost hit a car or whatever but fuck it I wasn't even in the mood to feel anything. I just wanted to feel numb so I did just that and that's the scary part that I did it using alcohol and to make things worse one of my homies found my Xanax so that didn't sit too well with him but fuck it. I'm not in any position to give a fuck about my feelings so why even bother caring. It's so fucking pointless at this point. Never thought someone who I've only met twice face to face could fuck me up so much and for what just to die? I wish I could just die but what's the point if I didn't even do anything other than exposing someone who was straight toxic. If anything they're the one I should blaming all my pain on not myself.

God, this fucking sucks knowing I'm blaming myself for everything when I should be blaming them instead. Fuck I really want to just fuck their whole life up and make sure they know not to fuck with me or anyone else around me and just have them go on ahead and keep fucking with other people raw and hopefully they catch an STD or some shit. So tired of feeling this guilt like it's all my fault. Fuck I really want to just start from the beginning so I think that's what I'll do.

So I add this guy on snap apparently and he started calling me cute or whatever and I ignore him because I'm not gay or cared to be called cute by his dumbass. So I just snapped his ass blanks and then the next thing I know I'm downtown and he's telling me to meet him in the bathroom so I call him and ask What The Fuck? and he said it was a joke and I'm like it sure didn't seem like it. So I ghost his ass for like a few months and then I see his ass at a restaurant talking with his family or whatever and I snap-texted him saying I just saw you at the restaurant and then he goes and starts ghosting me and I'm like um okay. So I go about my life and like a few days later he snaps me and we start snapping more than usual which was weird at first but then I got used to it and he gave me his number for me to text him so I thought he was just trying to be friends. So I texted him back saying hi or some shit.

So like after all that shit we continue to text and snap and I asked him what the hell he meant by I was cute and all this other bullshit he was calling me and he went on to say because you are and I'm like um okay but like how considering I'm a guy and usually girls call me that not guys. So he left me open and I'm questioning myself asking if he's like gay or some shit so I asked and he's like I don't know and I was like um okay. So that was weird to me at first so I just ignored it and continued with my life. So a few weeks go by and he asked to meet up to hang or whatever and I'm like okay where? and he said the mall and I'm like okay. So we meet up and I get into his 4Runner and we talk for a bit and as soon as he said take off your clothes that's when my whole fucking life changed I feel like.

By this point I thought he was fucking with me but no he really meant it and I was like um okay. So I get in the back seat and I start undressing kind of nervously in a way and he's doing his thing and remind you I've never done this shit before with a guy. I was so confused as to what was going to happen and didn't exactly have time to process everything that we were currently doing until I got home and went into the shower. But I could tell he's done it before because he didn't have problems giving me head and the fact that he said he’s actually done it before and he kind of gave me a list of the people he did it with so that was kind of unexpected for me in a way. But I knew for a fact I was going to choke without a doubt because one, I've never been with a guy let alone been naked with one in the backseat. So it was really confusing to me at first as to what to do except for the making out part. I knew how to do the making out part it was just the other two things we did I had troubles with.

So anyways we finish doing the shit we were doing and we talked for a bit after doing all that and I wasn't even thinking correctly it seemed. I was just shocked that I actually did that with a guy and I didn't mind it. I don't know what the hell I was thinking or feeling after that whole experience to be honest considering we were honestly just supposed to chill and not do all of that. So the whole time I was home I just felt confused and I kept asking myself why did it feel okay doing all of that with a guy but I was also confused as to why I was feeling so many things that I went and saw my therapist on his day off because I felt so many things I never thought I could feel or image myself doing. 

But now that you have the whole background on how I met this guy let me get you up to date on what happened to me the past 2 weeks for me to feel all the things I felt even though someone of you already know if you've read my previous blog post. So I'm getting ready to leave for South Carolina and he asked if I was down to see him/fuck and I'm like I guess where? He said his house and I replied with you said for me to never to go to your house and he said it was fine but we've got like 20 minutes or something. So I get a condom and I'm facetiming him while driving to his house asking for directions because I wasn't sure how to get into his neighborhood properly. So he tells me and I pull up into his driveway and I go inside his house and start making out with him and then he shows me his bedroom and we start doing the same shit that we basically did in the 4runner. So I'm at his house for like 15-20 minutes or whatever and we finish and then I leave.

So the next day I'm in the car texting him and I decided to facetime him after school and this girl picked up the phone asking why you calling my mans for so I'm just there in the car like not saying a word because I wasn't sure what to say/how to take it other than the fact he was cheating in a way even though we technically weren't together but we were still fucking though. I was trying to call his number to ask him what the actual fuck and see if he was just playing or actually cheating but his female friend kept picking up the damn phone so I just took it as they were fucking or whatever and that's when I took to my Instagram and exposed his ass. I don't know why I even did it in the first place considering I didn't really have enough evidence but I was just so upset that he actually even attempted to act like he was cheating. See that's my whole problem right there. If he hadn't done that dumb ass shit none of this would've even happened and everyone that I've explained this to agrees and called him a damn child. So I don't know what to believe considering he puts all the blame on me. But I guess that's a child for you.

So I'm not sure why I even really bothered with him in the first place to be honest. I guess I was just bored with my life so I went and did something I never had planned on doing and it turned out to be a lesson instead of a blessing. So fuck him and everything he's put me through. I even told other people about him and his whole family backstory and they all say he sounds like a hoe and he seems to come from a fucked-up family in a way and when it comes to dealing with relationship/loving someone he takes it as a joke and I'm kind of agreeing with them. I'm not going to lie to them and act like he's perfect when he's not even the definition of a standard normal living human being it seems. So I basically wasted a whole 4 months with him. Man, I feel hella stupid/in so much pain.

But guess what I'm over it now considering this is everything that I have on him/everything that happened between us. So take it how you want but I feel like I was just doing what any normal person would do if they had to deal with the shit that I had to deal with. I don't think I took it far I just think I took it head-on and didn't bullshit people. Sorry but I'm not a fuckboy considering I stayed loyal to you even though you really had me fucked up in so many ways every few days that it felt so toxic and just draining. 

But thankfully I fucked everything up with him and he got his wish. His wish, by the way, was for him to fight me so I gave him his wish and let him swing his itty bitty fist away even though he doesn't have that small of a fist. I'm just saying. But he kept asking for round 2 as if there was a point to it. See this the shit I'm talking about. He couldn't even take a win like a normal ass person. What a shame. Also before I forget he basically leaked my number to all his friends so I had to get rid of my number and had to use someone else's phone for a few days. But I did, however, get a new number and it's not even the one I posted about. That number isn't even technically a real number. It's from a sideline app. Anyways I hope y'all see what I've been dealing with these past few years it seems like when It's only been a few weeks. Anyways this is the last time I'll be bringing his ass up on my site. 

I'll be moving onto to better things with better people in my life and not being on some dumb shit. Man, I feel so relaxed now that I'm not even in pain anymore it seems like. I can actually concentrate on other shit in my life other than the pain I was feeling. But yeah that's that. Feel free to judge me or whatever but as I said before I was just experimenting with my sexuality and turns out I hated the experience with a guy or just this one, in particular, considering he was my first to experience/experiment my same-sex sexuality with. So fuck it, But for real though I'm done dealing with guys. I'll just continue to have a relationship with females and see if I can get a relationship to last more than 3 months. The only reason why I say 3 months is because after 3 months things tend to go sideways for some reason and I don't know if it's me or them. So anyway that's everything I think.