Blog Post 142

Was It Worth It

Talking with you was easy. Being next to you was even easier. But why was loving you so complicated? Was the timing off, or was it just too soon to start saying I love you? I can't tell, considering you told me to tell you how I felt, and I did just that, only to get torn apart. So was it really worth me telling you how I felt, or was it just so you could tear me apart? I'm still confused about the whole situation and can't tell if it was your way of finding out how I really felt about you, just so you could end things, and I wouldn't have had to catch more feelings for you, or did you really have intentions of hurting me so I'd walk away? I really don't know what it was, but I can't get over the thought of me sitting on your bed and having to listen to everything you were saying to me. It hurt like hell knowing things were ending, but I wish I had stuck around to make things better but I just walked away because I felt like I was losing you, and there was nothing I could do to keep us from being done. It's my fault for not sticking around to try and figure out a way to still see you.

It almost feels as if I'm at war with my own self, going back and forth with everything I did and said, including the pain I caused you, and I just can't seem to let go of it, even though I should. I wish I knew how to just walk away from it all like I used to do, but I can't because I know I hurt you, and I never meant to, and it kills me knowing I have to wake up and go to bed knowing all of the things I did to you were wrong and should've never been done. But it's too late to be saying sorry and asking for forgiveness. I just wish it were all a game and I could hit the reset button and never dm'd you and just continued scrolling, knowing things wouldn't have worked out between us. I just don't understand why everything we had built together had to go down the way it did after everything we did and said to one another. It was like I never really mattered, and the things we did never had any meaning behind them, and it hurts to even think like that, but it's just how I feel about everything that went down.

I just have to know if it was really worth the fights, only to come out with regrets and confusion at the end of it all? If so, then I no longer want to continue with this so-called love. I'm tired of having to fight and walk away from people who matter to me. So, can we just take a few steps back and call it a day, because I hate seeing those I care about in pain and having to suffer through things they can't control. But if this is what you really want to do and have to go through, then just know I’ll stick around you because I'm prepared to lose everything for you just so you don’t have to go there alone. I don't want to see you drown yourself in pain like I once did, because trust me, it's not something you can get out of easily. If anything, it takes years to get out of it like it once did with me, and I'd hate to see you go through that all alone. It's not a fun state of mind to be in, considering that's all I wanted to do was just die, and I actually got close to dying. 

But trust me when I tell you that you don't want to be in the state of mind that I was. It made me anti-social as hell. It made me not eat, and it severely fucked up my social skills/social life in a way. It made me be very distant from everything and everyone basically, and just made me a homebody for like 2 years. So other than that, please don't go into the state of mind I was in because from my point of view, while I was with you, I don't think you're meant for that life. I feel like you're meant for something much better, like you said, and I hope the life you dream of happens for you. I just don't want you to rush into things like I did with you. I just want you to really focus on yourself and be true to yourself and find someone you can be with for the rest of your life and not feel alone.