Blog Post 544

The Botherhood

I know it's no longer my place to come on here and talk about the people that are having an impact on me in my life but I can't help but come on here and talk about this person because the way they're making me feel and think about things for what they are is so insane that it's got me feeling that everything I once knew and was taught was all just a lie and I'm unsure of what it all means now. I keep asking myself if any of the things that happened to me were real or if it was just to gain control of me in one way or another. I keep seeing this person day in and day out making me feel like there's something there but for some reason we're both just unsure of what we even mean to one another. I know it's nothing to really concern myself with or bother acknowledging it right then and there but part of me feels connected to them in a way that's indescribable in a sense of I feel as if I've known them in a past life of mine or something but it has quite hit me yet as to how they managed to gain access to me in such shot amount of time.

Maybe this was a sign to try and do things without actually worrying if it goes south or not. It sort of all just happened and now I'm unsure if I was even in the right to make them a friend of mine or not. I know me making friends has always been a weird experience for me and I usually don't all myself to get close to other people but this person seems to be a fresh of breath air it feels like or it's just the Florida sun. Either way I'm not complaining I'm just stuck in thought trying to figure out if this is what I was needing all along or if this feeling will just be temporary and we'll go back to just being strangers.

 I just know how this story will go if I continue to act as if they're just someone to talk to pass time by but then there's the other thoughts of this person being someone I can trust and rely on and help along the way when they ask but I'm still unsure of myself and my own doings because what if I fuck it all up because of one bad day or something happens down the line to them where I'm forced to show another side of me to them Ugh just fucking stop!! I'll stop thinking like that my fault. It's just having something good come way has never really been something I could keep for long. It usually tends to leave after a week or so but somehow they've been pretty consistent with me for some reason. I know I give them the space they need / require but I also don't know if I'm talking too much or not enough with them when it comes to communicating with them.

I know I like give minor updates about work and what not but when it's not work I seem to be doing a deep dive into everything else with them and maybe I shouldn't do that? I just feel like I can text / talk to them about anything for the most part and I know I probably shouldn't because we're like coworkers in a sense of being on the same team but we like rarely talk at work so I'm confused if we're just friends outside of work for the most part who just happen to have the same job? Like I said I'm really not trying to figure out what this is because I've never really had a friend outside of work while being at work with them if that makes sense. So like what even is this? Is this person becoming somewhat a close friend to me or are they just there as a friend that I work with? Ugh I wish I could narrow it down but at the same there's really no point because I'm not trying to get all technical about someone I work with.

I just know we're on the same page for the most part and eventually I think we're gonna hangout outside of work if our schedules ever line up correctly lmao!!! Basically he's on when I'm off vice versa. I know some days we work together but it's like one day out of the whole week and then we just text throughout the week on the things that are happening. But overall I don't give much details about my personal life. I choose to just relate to certain things that they talk about and go from there. It's really not that deep to me because I'm mostly focused on work and trying to make it through the holiday season and hopefully they'll end up making the cut as well. I know the team meeting was a bit of a shocker but I guess it's business and that's just how business goes. 

We're not really there to make friends I guess. I guess it's whatever. I just wanna do my part and go home. But why does the thought of losing them make me feel like I'm less than nothing? Are my feelings just as mixed up as my own thoughts or is it all just in my head? Ugh I hate how I'm over thinking about the shit that was said at the meeting and thinking that he or I may not make the cut or see one another again after the holiday season. I guess if I just do my part and they do there's then theirs really nothing to think about. We'll both make the cut and continue on with life! But if not then it'll probably make me feel devastated but I'll just move on from it. 

I just hope whoever this person is knows that they're more than welcome to over stay there welcome and do as they please. I hope they'll find what they're searching for in me and continue to grow amongst themselves into someone they're proud to be. I hope this person gets everything good in life and I can watch it happen cheering them on. I don't know there's really not much else to say about this person because of the way they act and treat others I've never really seen first hand until they came my way asking me "You Don't Talk Much Do You" lol!! I guess when you put it that way I just haven't found the right person to really talk to until you came in. Now look at you having a conversation with me almost every day as if we're brothers which is kind of wild because that's all you refer to me as now and it's just funny how it all worked out between us two like it was nothing. Had me stressing for a whole week wondering what you wanted and what I was going to be to you only for you to accept me for me and ended calling me your brother lol. That's was such an unexpected thing due to already have a real life brother but hey if I'm welcomed to your brotherhood then I'll gladly accept!