Blog Post 538

I Wish You Well!!

I know I shouldn't be thinking about you and wondering about all the things you're doing without me, but you know how I get when the sun goes down and the moon shines bright in the midnight sky. Everything I know and feel, it all just leads back to you, making me think about all the good times we had, knowing they didn't quite last as long as we wanted them to. It's mostly my fault, but at the same time we were just kids trying to navigate our way through life with no guidance around. I wish I could go back to the first time I met you back in 2012 and did things differently with you. But I know if I didn't go through the things I did with you back then, I feel like I wouldn't exist in this world to this day. I know I have a lot of forgiving to do and apologies to make to you and those I hurt in my past, but right now I just gotta get these feelings that I'm stuck on out of my system and hope it clears things up for me. I know the love I had back then was never truly mine to keep or hold, but it was something worth understanding just in case I ever found a girl like you ever again. I wouldn't have to be so overly protective over my doings or think about my past mistakes so much, trying to make sure they never happen ever again with the one who chooses to be with me so closely.

I wish I could go back to finding you on random days and talking it out, but I know our ties have been fully cut because the dreams of you no longer occur, making me wonder if it's really done or if my mind and body have finally healed from all the wrongs I did when we were together as one. It's such a roller coaster trying to figure it out when it comes to you and I as one, and if it was ever truly meant to be like the people claimed it was. I always wondered if you were mine to fully keep or if I was just rushing into it with you. I know I was never the easiest one to read in the room, but when it came to you, there was nothing I wouldn't do to make a smile appear on your face, knowing you were the only one I had eyes for, and it's just a shame I was too scared to let that be known to you. I guess falling in love at a young age makes you do and think that you're not ready to handle or understand, and I think that's what kept me from being there for you. I felt like everything around me was getting heavier, and I just wasn't man enough to carry the weight of it. I'm just glad that I grew out of that feeling, but at the same time, the toll of losing you in the process cut deeper than a knife to the heart, and I'm still asking myself if it was all worth it or was it just a waste of time.

I wish I could understand the brain chemistry of why there are days that lead into weeks and later into months, and why you're the only girl who keeps crossing my mind and never leaving until I go completely numb, causing myself to lose myself in the process. I know there's gotta be a reason to it, but every time I go seek answers to it, I get left with more questions. I wish I could let go of you like I did before, but for some reason every time I think I've let go of you and all the memories we shared, I get pulled into a numbing state, making me question if anything around me is real, as if this isn't my place in time and the stars no longer align with the tides at hand. I wish I could find you and ask you all the things I think about when it comes to you but I know the answers aren't going to change the way I feel towards you or how I think about you so I just sit and wait hoping one day we'll cross paths looking at one another second guessing if it's this is where we have that talk or if we'll keep walking past one another as if we were strangers. I hate the feeling of not knowing when it comes to you because I used to know you like the back of my hand, while you only knew parts of me, and I wish I didn't hold back when it was time for you to get to know me. I miss the days I'd walk with you after school and talk about absolutely nothing because being next to you was all I needed at the time. I didn't care for the other kids around us because at the time, you were the only one who stood out to me.

I don't know if I'll ever go through life where you're not on my mind. If I'm being honest, you're the one person who saw something in me that everyone overlooked, and I still think about it to this day. I guess that's why It's been so hard to find someone for me because they don't see me like you saw me and I know I shouldn't hold it against them but at the same time the feelings aren't ever there until the thought of you occurs and I can't be with someone else when I've got thoughts about another girl in my head that never left. I guess you really were a one in a million kind of girl, and it's a shame I haven't found a way to forget about you. I guess it's true what they say. You can't forget a face after the soul connect, and I guess that's what happened to me when it came to you because I see your face in almost every dream I have, making me question myself about what it means after I wake up. I know my heart and mind will never let go of you, but at the same time I have to try and let it go to better myself for me. I don't want you to think that you ever did anything wrong or made me into something you couldn't get a hold of or talk to because everytime we cross paths I'm itching to talk to you, I just lose all sense of knowledge causing me to just stand there wondering if it's all a dream or if it's an all or nothing moment in life knowing my time is up and you're back to being gone while I carry on deep in thought asking myself why we crossed paths.

I just know if I were to ever get a chance to talk to you one last time even after 50+ years going bye I'd only tell you how proud I am to seeing you become the woman you how great of a mother you've become and I never stopped wishing for the best for you even at my lowest because the thought of you always gets me through some of the craziest and hardest times of my life and I wouldn't trade it for anyone else. I know our friendship didn't go as planned, but the thought of you never left my head, and the love I had for you never truly died. I just kept it hidden until the timing was correct, but unfortunately I've come to the realization that the love I have for you isn't the correct love, so I'm choosing to let it go and find a love that suits me for me. I hope this doesn't go against our promise to one another as kids, but if it does, I'm truly sorry for breaking it. I just don't think it's my purpose to upkeep or uphold any longer after everything I've experienced and gone through since that day. I feel like so much of me has died away, and the kid you once knew when you made that pinky promise has evolved into something so unrecognizable that it doesn't make sense to try and live up to it, knowing that I'm no longer in the same situations as I was back then when growing up and trying to find myself after you left.