Blog Post 537
The Pain in My Eyes
Please don’t think I’m blaming you or anyone else around me, but I'm telling you how things are for me when it comes to you and the people you bring around me! I know I’m not the most open person when it comes to my feelings but I thought by the look in my eyes you’d see that shit was bothering me but all you did was just accept my silence and continued to do your things with no questions ask and honestly I’m not sure if I should feel offended or if I should be relieved that I’m not having to explain myself every time it happens! I just feel like most things are better to go unnoticed so I don’t have to feel the effect of it and continue living free, even though I know sooner or later it’s going to come back hitting 10 times harder than before, making me ask myself what the point of it all was!
I know I walk away from all wrongs and the shit I don’t care to deal with and process, but when it comes to you, I’m stuck in time trying to process it all as if it was my fault when in reality I know it’s not! But you keep pulling me into certain places that I know I’m not meant for, and I don’t know how to tell you to stop without making it seem like I’m complaining or begging for a change! When it’s simply over the fact that I don’t feel like myself when I’m with you sometimes, and I don’t know who to blame for me feeling like that! It’s like a back-and-forth battle with myself and the things I know and feel, not knowing where I should go or say when you come around! So I let the pain come out and let you feel the things I’m constantly feeling, hoping you’ll guide me to where I’m supposed to be, but instead you just stick around making it worse, and no matter how much I try to avoid hearing the things you say, the shit still gets to me somehow!
I guess the feeling of taking on the pain of othered is better than trying to explain my own pain because nobody’s ever been through the shit I’ve been through, so it feels really pointless to come out in the open and explain myself about the shit I feel when I know there’s no point! They’ll think I’m lying about it all when in reality I’m locked away in a dark room with no windows, trying to figure it out for myself why it had to happen to me out of all people! I know I’m never gonna be seen as the good guy, but for someone who doesn’t bother other people and stays out of sight, you’d think I’d be safe from all the chaos and the lies, but nope! They’re constantly creeping in on me through the cracks as I sleep, causing me to have insomnia, making me feel trapped in all the pain and tears everyone has opened up to me about, as if I’m supposed to be their lifesaver when I can barely save myself from my own pain and self-harm!! So tell me how you expect someone to save you from the pain you’re going through when he’s still trying to face his own thoughts and the fears that happened in the past!
You’re asking too much from me, and you don’t even see it! As long as you get your satisfaction and confidence back, everything else doesn’t seem to matter! Which is fine, but damn, don’t come back swinging, acting as if my way of living is wrong when I’m still trying to solve all your problems over mine! I know I said I’d find a way to help you, but not once did you ever ask if there was a way for you to help me, and honestly, I’m cool with that because I knew you just wanted someone you could go and talk to after all the problems started showing up! But what’s the point of coming to me for answers when all you’re gonna do is just ignore all the things I tell you after you get back out there?! It feels like a waste of time, and I told myself I’d stop wasting my time on others, and you keep making that thought be a reality for me, and I’m not sure if I drop everything and do my own thing or keep shit where it’s at and let you keep coming back or just call it quits and let you go about it on your own! But then again, what good would that be when I’m the only one you come to, so it’s like a back-and-forth battle in my head on what I should do when it comes to you!
There’s shit you don’t understand or will ever know when it comes to me, but I do my best to make myself honest and free when it comes to you, but sometimes it just all feels so pointless! I know you mean well, but my mind doesn’t see you as someone I can trust, and I don’t know why, when you’re the only one who stays to see the pain I let out! I wish these nights weren’t so long, but every time you’re near, it just feels like nobody will ever truly know me and the things I had to sacrifice to get to where I am now! I know most of the people I once cared for all see me as the enemy and no longer care for my well-being, and honestly, it’s such a valid reason not to, but when it comes to you, it’s the exact opposite, and I think that’s the part I’m having issues trying to understand! Why would you keep yourself around me when I’m known to push others out of my life as if they never meant anything to me to begin with? Why would you choose to go through all of that when you’re nothing like the people around me?!
You seem to think you have me figured out til I walk away completely, and you’re stuck wondering if it was something you did when it’s never about the things that others do because it simply comes down to my doings from my past and having to live with the consequences and learning from all the backlash I got as a kid into my adulthood! It’s always going to lead back to my past, and unfortunately you weren’t there, so I don’t find it useful for you to be around me for the dark times I go through because, in my head, you’ll never fully understand it, and that’s why I keep my distance from you and those around me! Sorry for the confusion and the friendships I’ve lost over the years, but it’s just the way life goes! I’m stuck learning from my mistakes and making adjustments as I go, and if it leads me back to being where I’m unknown but finally at peace, then so be it! I’d rather have my peace and sanity over trauma and the thought of losing myself in the process of trying to love someone new!