Blog Post 536

Back to the Basics

Hey, sorry, I don't really have much to say or talk about right now. I'm still stuck in the moving phase of my life and trying to get shit packed and sold/thrown away. I have a feeling that once I leave, my mind will go back to being in the creative space again, but right now it's just stuck on moving and nothing else. I know I have a few topics that are in my drafts that I wanna go in and write about, but I just can't seem to get in the headspace to do so, and it's lowkey confusing me. I'm stuck trying to figure out if this is the end of all the creativity or if it'll kick back up once I get settled down in Florida and start getting more inspiration from the things down there. Because as of right now, there's literally nothing going on in my life worthy of my time to go out of my way to talk about. I'm pretty much in a solid place of peace of mind and just letting things be for what they are.

I know some of my closest friends have already parted ways with me, which doesn't bother me in the slightest because I was gonna just change my phone number when I got down there anyway. I don't know why, but I guess this move is making me realize that there's really nothing here that's keeping me from moving. Everyone I've talked to and met up with discussing my move have approved and are pushing for it. So I'm kind of shocked nobody has tried to stop me or asked me why. I guess I should be thankful for that, but for some reason I feel like they're not too concerned with my doings and whatnot, which is fine, but damn, I was expecting some sort of push for a no. But nope, never got that. It was all just hell yeahs, and congrats, hope it all goes well. 

I guess I'm just overthinking all of it. But at the same time, it's crazy I'm giving up on my daily routine for something better and newer. I know I might end up getting homesick at times, but hopefully I'll find something to counteract that feeling, and I can focus on the current task at hand. I hate the feeling of regret, or that I made the wrong decision, but at the same time, how could I have made the wrong decision when I'm never around anyone, and nobody I come across has ever really given me a reason to stay? All I've ever known was being isolated and only using people for my own needs when needed. I understand people have their own lives, but at the same time, why does my life feel like it's not fully mine to have?

 I've always felt like I was living for someone else, but every time I'd try to find the other person, I'd come out empty-handed and feeling like I chose the wrong path to travel on, and it killed me every time I tried to find the answers. I guess moving is my only way of truly letting go of all the things that cause me pain and the things I can no longer talk about. I know there's going to be a few people that will reach out, but I don't think I'll ever have the right words to say to them about my reasons for doing all the things I did in my past. I tried reaching out to them at the time being but over the years I sorta just stopped reaching out and started preparing for my departure and calling it for what it was.

I don't wanna bring or live in the current state of mind that I had to live with while I was here in N.C when I move down to FL. I know certain things won't go away, but I know I can make the best of what came my way and let go of it so I can move on to something better. I know me thinking about certain people won't change the way they feel towards me, nor do I want them back in my life. I just hope they find what it is they're looking for before they realize what they had was better than they realized. I'd hate to find out I was someone's first when I already travelled hundreds of miles from them. It just wouldn't make sense to tell me or have them reach out telling me how they felt towards me when they had all the time in the world to do so when I was around. 

I would feel so confused and lowkey annoyed about it. Because what do you mean you had me at arm's reach but never said anything about it? I just feel like people be holding back on a lot of shit, and I just wish I knew why. What good does it do for you when it's late at night, and you're up thinking about me and all the things you could have said to me when I was there? I swear I give people the option to speak their minds, but instead they just go quiet, and I'm left to wander off, asking myself what they were going to say or what they needed from me. 

I don't wanna wake up one morning getting random dm's asking why I did it or if I ever cared about such and such when I never really talked to enough long enough to get attached or build a connection with them in the first place after the whole RW situation. I feel like that part of me is completely shut down, and it's going to take a miracle for me to ever open up to someone new. I know it sucks to say that, but at this point and all the people I've encountered since RW, there's really nothing for me to feel when it comes to them. I just see them as strangers who know my name now. I don't bother giving out too many details on me or the things I do because I have a feeling they already did a Google search on me, so what's there to tell? When everything is right there in front of you? 

I'd rather just find someone who's never done any research on me or my doings. I need something fresh and real instead of people knowing other people just to get to me. It's so weird how people connect with others nowadays. I'd rather just stay to myself and not tell you a damn thing about myself and let you assume whatever you want about me. I feel like it'll always just be easier that way. Because who are you to judge someone you've never hung out with or actually gotten to know them from their point of view? Y'all be so quick to judge others, and it sickens me.

You go around claiming you want to be friends with me only for me to show you a side you never knew and start acting as if I've changed, when in reality you did some fucked up shit, and I found it to be inconvenient to my life, so I cut you off, no questions asked. I'm not doing this back-and-forth shit that y'all so desperately crave and chase from other guys. You keep putting me in these fuck ass categories, thinking I'm like these other guys or your previous ex, when in reality I'm just hyper independent and prefer to be alone at all times, but occasionally I'll tend to let someone in only to realize it was a mistake and then go back to being alone.

I don't know why, but apparently everyone in this generation thinks it's cool to cheat and lie, and honestly, if that's the case, I'll just keep to myself because that's not what I was taught to do. So either you come correct, or you can just leave me alone. I don't know what makes you think I'm interested in open relationships, but if that's what you're into, then just call yourself a hoe and move the fuck away from me. I can't stand this generation and there so called dating world. It's like y'all are just finding different ways of being a hoe without someone calling you a hoe, if that makes sense. I'll give you credit for being so creative on it, but can you do it elsewhere? I hate the smell of spoiled milk, and that's all you're bringing to the table when you come my way!