Blog Post 532

When There's Nobody Around / Unprocessed Thoughts

Trying my best to avoid these feelings, but lately all I've been doing is thinking about you and me, and I know I shouldn't. Still, sometimes there are nights where it feels like I'm running after you knowing you're not really there, and I wish I knew what causes me to feel that way, but so far no answers have been found only the silence in the night. I  know you, and I will never cross paths or anything like that. But I still wonder why we had to pack our bags and go our separate ways when all we do is keep searching for one another late at night when the stars come out, and the moon shines bright, making me feel as if you're nearby. 

But no matter how long I keep going out of my way to search for you, the only thing I'm left with is the empty thoughts of how things used to be between us. I know my heart and mind may never truly let me feel the things that need to be felt or shown, but sometimes I wish you could take control and let that side of me be more accepting of opening up those wounds so they can heal properly. I hate how far we steered from one another when you were only a few minutes down the street from me, but now it feels like a lifetime of lessons just to see your face again.

I wish the midnight sky and my heart were in sync like the love you once had for me. But right now I'm deep in thought, trying to save myself from the drowning thoughts I put myself in, wondering if it's ever going to be worth the wait. I know we move on from people to people to understand ourselves better as time goes on, but every time I'm left alone with someone else, I find myself leaving in the middle of the night looking for you in a city full of people. I hate how things had to happen between the two of us when love was never logical to begin with. I wish the midnight searches led me back to you, but I'm stuck somewhere between here and there, and it all leads back to me being alone in the back alley with tears coming down my face because I couldn't find you in time.

I know it's not right of me to say that I needed someone like you in my life, but at this point it's all I got left to say, even though I'm the only one to blame for all of this. I know I was a fool for letting you slip away, but for some reason the thought of hurting you was bigger than the thought of letting go. So I left you be to find your true calling as I watched from afar, hoping one day you'll find the love you've been searching for, even if it meant it couldn't be with me. I just wanted to see you happy, but I knew if I had stayed, then you would have never fully been happy. 

So I walked the empty streets, going back and forth on all the outcomes that came with letting go, only to realize it was all in my head, and I decided to just let it be for what it was and watch you slip away as I did my own thing. I know it wasn't right, but giving up on you felt rather right than watching me hurt you in the process of having you be with me. I know I shouldn't deserve the things you did, but sometimes the pain is better than the healing. I know it wasn't right to watch it all fall apart while you called out for me to stop, but for some reason it didn't matter at the time because I knew it was too late to go back on everything that was said and done from my end.

I just don't wanna start with someone new when my head keeps searching for the answers of why we had to go our separate ways and why every touch no longer feels the same as it once did when I was with you. I hate the feeling of everything being so unknown to me now when it comes to others. I keep searching for the same feeling you once gave me, but every time I think I've found it, it just cuts me deeper than before, making me realize it'll never last, so I just walk away as if it was never real. I wish I could close the chapter of you and me, but my heart won't let it end because apparently we still breathe the same air as before, making me wonder if letting go was really worth it just to lose myself in the process of finding the real meaning behind this thing called love you once gave to me. 

I feel like there's more to this thing called love other than lust and feelings that come and go after a week or so of meeting someone new. I wish there was a better way to understand it all, but ever since you left, things just haven't been the same to me, and I know it's not your fault entirely, but sometimes I ask myself why it had to come to this when you were perfect from the start. I just hate myself for thinking I wasn't good enough for you when the love you gave was more than I could ever ask for. I hate how shit had to escalate into a war of lies, trying to outdo one another when we were supposed to just be growing as a whole. I guess I just miss the sound of your voice calling out my name, knowing I'm gonna drop everything I've got going on to hear what you had to say. I miss you more than you'll ever know. I just can't seem to find it in me to let you know right now.