Blog Post 530
There's No Better Way to Put It
If you’re reading this, then know I never meant to shut you out; it’s just all I know! You know me better than anyone you’ve come across, yet you still ask me what’s going on, and all I gotta do is give you a look, and you automatically know what’s going on! I hate that sometimes you even have to ask me when it’s all right there in the late-night text I send your way, hoping you’d forget all about them when you wake up in the morning! But you come knocking on my door instead and ask if I’m okay! You do the most sometimes, making me wonder what you’re doing and if it’s just an act or if you actually care about my well-being!
You give off two sides to yourself, making me question your doings sometimes, making me think it’s just an act, but then you overstay your welcome, making me feel like I need to act as if everything is better now that you’re here, hoping you’d leave again! There’s no better way of saying it other than sometimes I like you the most, but I don’t let myself get attached to you because I’ve never been so good at self-expression or the thought of catching feelings, and if I did, I’d probably vomit from the butterflies in my stomach! Not saying that you make me want to vomit; it’s just that the feelings would overwhelm me to the point where that’s my only option to calm myself down. I don’t know why I’m even explaining this shit to you when you know this already!!
I just need you to understand that just because you come over and stay the night doesn’t mean I’m gonna fall in love with you! You text my line asking to come hang, I agree, and you end up passing out on my bed while I go and take the couch in the other room! There’s really not much to say other than sometimes I wish I could understand why you do the things you do! But I guess it works both ways because you don’t understand me and the things I do! So I guess we both have something to work on, but the vibes are pretty good for the most part! It’s just the thought of wondering what you and I are doing when it comes to hanging out and why you won’t leave my side when you come over!
You’re not too clingy, but you’re also not too distant from me, and it’s got me wondering if you’ve got something on your mind or if you just really enjoy being around me, which is kind of ironic how you keep calling me an ass and a dick sometimes, which I laugh at and tell you to tell you so!! Like I know it’s just a joke, but sometimes I wonder if being an ass to you is worth it half the time! I know I may take shit too far, but you’re always right there just checking in on me, asking me what it was for and why I did it, and never accusing me of shit that isn’t my fault! I appreciate that a lot, but sometimes I wish you didn’t because now I’m stuck feeling like I owe you an apology when I could have just walked away and gone ghost for a while, but nope, you’re right there when I least expect it!
I know you worry bout me when my phone is off and I disconnect from everything around me, only to show up at my place making sure I’m safe and well! You know exactly what to do when it comes to me, and then there’s me standing in the way trying to figure out how to talk to you sometimes! You’re the only one I see myself being with you but you’ll never know. After all, I’ll never find the time to make it known to you, because I’m scared if I do, then it’ll ruin everything! I love the thought of you more than I let on and the shit you do makes me feel some type of way about you like I’ve never felt and I’m trying so hard not to fuck it up but my mind and heart thinks you’re too good for me so it’s indecisive on if I should cut you off or keep letting you come over and talk to me about the things that are going on with you!
I know I sound like I’m doing too much and there’s no need for these thoughts about you but when you come over I have these feelings that I can’t disclose because it’ll fuck up the vibe but sometimes you give off a vibe that makes me think you wanna push the boundaries but I hold off and change the flow of things making it seem like it’s nothing! I know how you think and feel about me, but the truth is I don’t think I’ll ever go back to feeling that way towards anyone ever again! I guess it’s the trauma that keeps weighing me down, preventing me from pushing myself into someone else’s life! I enjoy the solitude too much to wanna keep others entertained, and I’m not much of an entertainer, so what exactly would I be good for other than cracking a joke to hurt your feelings, give or take! It just doesn’t make much sense to me to put you through that, and then there’s the possibility of making you feel like I was just using you when, in reality, there’s nothing that I’d want to use you for / you don’t really have anything to offer me to use to my advantage!
If I'm being honest, like you ask me to be, then the truth is, I like you for you, and there's nothing else to say. You're kind of perfect in a way that I have nothing to say that would make me wanna change my mind on you. It's like you're the rarest one out of everyone, and you're choosing to be around me, which is the only thing I can't seem to wrap my finger around. But hey, you do you. I'm not going to stop you even though I think it's pretty dumb and reckless choosing to be around someone like me who's already started using you for uh content (blog post), sorry not sorry lol. I just don't know how long you plan on staying or what the endgame is between us two is, but if you could make it quick, that would be great because I've got a flight to catch in a few weeks and I'm not trying to have my whole life ruined while I'm traveling to different parts of the world, ya know.