Blog Post 529

No Place to Hide

I know this has nothing to do with anyone in my life, but I figured I’d see what I can get out of it since it’s late at night and my thoughts are starting to get loose. I feel like the truth will never fully be shown or come my way, so when I go out and look for it, I come back feeling unwell and lost, thinking it was just a waste of time. I know things happen for a reason and shit never goes as planned. But for some reason, when it comes to you, everything around me makes me question all our doings. I can’t tell if this is the life I was born to live with, or if you're the one who’s supposed to take me out of it and show me the truth that’s been hidden away from me all these years. I can’t help but think of you day and night, searching for you in the empty streets I come across, thinking that you’ll come out of the shadows and tell me what I’ve been needing to hear. You’re the one who crosses my mind day and night, knowing there’s no telling when I’ll see you again. But I keep holding on to the thought of it being soon just so I can feel a lil bit alive in this tragic world that we’re living in. I know you, and I don’t see eye to eye on some things, but when we’re together it feels like we’re unstoppable, doing everything right to where time feels like an illusion and there’s no going back on what we once knew. 

So tell me why you wanna suddenly leave late at night, leaving me deep in thought wondering if it was all a lie. I wish there was a way to feel your body next to me, but I know that’s no longer my place when it comes to that sort of thing. I stay up late at night thinking about all the ways we could’ve made things work. But instead I found myself drifting further away from you as the nights went by. I realized that the memories I made of you would only just be memories and that seeing you again was just a dream. I know you wish you had more time with me, but for some reason time had other plans for you and me, and I just had to stick around and watch it all fall apart as you became more distant from me than ever. I thought you were the one, but turns out there’s never going to be anyone like you for me. I searched for you in everyone I crossed paths with, but they never came close to being what you were to me. I know what I was doing was wrong. But at the same time, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Was I supposed to get lost and find someone new and build something new with them, or was I supposed to just sit there and wait for your return, knowing that you might not even recognize me from the pain that you caused? 

It felt like a two-way street, and no matter which way I went, it still wouldn’t have made any difference to me because you’d find a way to hurt me in the end, I felt like. So I just sat there hoping another path would show itself but it never came to that so I just think about all the things you said to me to make me feel like I was nothing only to blame myself for letting it happen but at the same time I tried defending you saying that wasn’t you and it was the alcohol talking and that I should try reaching out again. But to my surprise, I passed out on the living room floor, causing me to forget about the thought of reaching out. I knew reaching out wouldn’t solve the issues at hand, but at the same time I didn’t know what else to do. I knew if you had found me and seen me in the state of mind I was in, you’d drop everything and act as if you wanted to help me, knowing you just wanted to get something out of me. Which is fine, but it doesn’t make sense to do it because I’ll play my part, and once you start shifting your way into needing something, I’ll switch the act and go cold, hoping you’ll see a different side of me you never knew. I know it’s wrong to say and do, but at this point, what other options do I have when all we do is push and pull one another until the feeling of drowning feels too real and we lose sight of reality?

I feel like we’re just holding on to one another for the satisfaction of knowing we can’t let go, but what good is that when the whole point of going our separate ways was so we could be free and learn from our past doings? I don’t understand why these midnight drives have to cause me to think of all the bad that’s happened to me when the city lights are the only thing keeping me from losing sight of what’s ahead. You know the feeling of doing 180 down the interstate with zero intentions of making it out alive, so why are you acting as if driving isn’t my go-to therapy for times like this? You ask me if I’ll be back every time I leave only to answer back with I don’t know making sure you knew that it’s not the time to be asking stupid questions so you just tag along anyways making sure I didn’t lose myself in the process and I’m grateful for that but I wish you didn’t go out of your way to do such stupid things when it came to me. You think this life is worth the effort, but in reality the demons are calling out for me, making me lose track of everything around me.

I know these feelings are always temporary, but when you’re around, they feel like a lifetime, so I get behind the wheel late at night, hoping you don’t follow me and push it past 140 down the freeway, hoping the answers I’ve been searching for are at the next exit. I know how stupid this shit gets sometimes, but sometimes I feel like leaving it all behind is the best thing for me at times, and being alone where I don’t feel like a bother or my existence doesn’t matter to others is the only way I find peace in this universe. It has nothing to do with you, but sometimes I wish you knew the whole truth and maybe you’d still love me from a distance instead of thinking you have to love me so closely. I know the love you have is pure and whatnot, but sometimes I feel like I’m unworthy of any sort of love that others show and give to me. I tend to just fuck up the whole existence of love, so I avoid it altogether, hoping they still accept me without the use of it. I don’t know why, but loving someone and having someone love me feels like a gateway to hell, and I’m not ready for that journey yet. I'd rather stick to my own doings on my own terms, and love just isn’t on the list, so I apologize for making it seem like I wanted to be loved and for letting you believe that loving me was something you could easily do. But even with that being said, no amount of love will make me steer clear of the void that I call home.

Feeling as if leaving everything between us two behind would be the best thing for me to do at a time like this. But you keep finding your way back to me as the thought of leaving you arrives, making me feel as if there's no place for me to hide when the truth is I'm never the one hiding. You go off into the void just as much as I do, but when I do it, it's to kill off the feelings that I can't control, bleeding out the lies you told me, making me feel like you were never worth my time. I keep walking away with a clear head and doing what I do best, but some nights it feels like I'm being pulled into a darker place every time, making me wonder if I should just give in or fight my way against it. I don't know what this all means, but sometimes I just wanna go with the flow of things and let it be for what it is, even if it means it's wrong. I just want these feelings to be for what they are so I can feel free from all the trauma and abuse that came my way. I'm not sure if you're ever going to understand me or the things I do, but for right now I just need you to find your way back to me and kill off every part of me you hate and call me yours. That's all I'm asking for, and if it's too much for you to do, then please no longer bother looking for me in the alleyways where I spend my time thinking about you.