Blog Post 528

There's No Need to Worry / Flip the Script and Go!!

Hey, sorry, I know there's not much to say right now, but I just gotta let you know that I've been thinking a lot about you lately, and I haven't been able to stop when I know I should. I know this feeling will pass eventually, but in the meantime I'm just going to use this time to let you know everything that's been going on with me when it comes to the thought of you, so if it seems out of place I apologize in advance. I guess part of me still thinks there's a chance you and I will cross paths again one day and get to talking, only to lose track of time and make it work for the second time around.

I know my presence seems to come and go like the seasons change, but the truth is it's never been that easy for me to watch you go and have me stay behind where you left me. I wish I could go with you sometimes, but then again I let the thoughts of hurting you and letting you down along the way cause me to stay behind. It's not that I don't know which way to go or how to get there; I just don't wanna watch myself fail in the process of trying to love you. I see you out and about every now and then, only to wish you the best and hope that you're doing well, like always. I know the thought of me comes and goes with you because your posts keep hinting at a certain person that you once had to come back. I know my time will come for us to finally see one another, but there's just too much on my plate right now, and how am I supposed to give you all of me when I'm tied down to a path that's a one-way street with nowhere to turn around? 

I wish the circumstances were different between the two of us, but as of right now I just gotta wait it out and let you do what you do best. I know you're the one for me, but the chances of me losing you again are pretty high, and that's the part that hurts the most. I wish there was a way to get your attention, but what good will that do when I'm just gonna go back to being a ghost in your eyes? I feel like you and I are on different paths in our lives, trying to work things out from afar and hoping we find ourselves in the process to be better as one instead of whatever this is right now. I wish you'd come find me like you did once before and save me from this misery and tell me that it's all going to work out, and there's no longer any need for me to go out searching for you in the ones who are no good for me.

I never meant for any of this to happen, but at the same time I thought it would have been better for you and that my needs were no longer something you had to worry about. I just wanted you to feel safe and happy. I knew if I had stepped away, then you would have eventually found someone better or done something better for yourself, but it never came to that, and as much as I blame myself for it, I can't help but ask why you didn't move on from me. I know that what we had was worth the fight, but even after it all ended, it seemed like you were still waiting for me to come back when you were the one who told me that it was no longer something you wanted. So tell me what it was I was supposed to do when I tried reaching out and making my feelings heard back then only to get left on delivered.

I knew I wasn't the only one giving you the attention you deserved, so that's why I didn't bother reaching out after the fact of you shutting me out, thinking whoever he was that he might have a better shot at it than me, so that's why I left the scene and went about my own doings. I didn't care to compete with someone when I just wanted you and only you at the time. I gave it a shot, and I missed, so I moved on. I'm not sure why you thought I'd continue to show up and bother you when you know I hate feeling like a bother to others. Hint as to why I left you alone for those few months. It wasn't because I was mad or in my feelings towards you; I was just focused on other things that were going on in my life. I didn't wanna linger on the thought of someone else being next to you and doing what we once did, so I just put myself to work and left the thought of you alone. I reached out not too long ago just to see where your head was and to see if anything had changed, but nothing seemed to come back my way, so I knew that you must have finally been over me. So I just stopped thinking about you after that.

But since you're posting shit about me and trying to get me to react, I figured why not just come on here and figure it out for myself. I'm not going to point fingers about who's right or wrong, but the proof was in the text I already deleted, and you might still have it. I know you hate deleting shit, so just let them see the shit and let them decide who's right and wrong. I know where I stand, but do you know where you stand? Because I chose to walk away from it all after it happened, because I'm not going to go against what I am and know. I know you'll never understand that, but when it comes to me, you might need to learn how. I know things go out of hand fast, but for you to just sit there and take it is what had me feeling like you weren't the one for me. I figured I'd let it slide, but she just kept going at and you just let her, so I let her have it, and you still just sat there. So I knew you'd never be the one I'd fight for when you didn't even try to defend me, so that's why I didn't bother fighting for you when you had asked, and that's my lil secret from you. 

I just thought it was pretty obvious as to why I just walked out, but I guess you were just too shocked that I actually did it because I once said I'd never let you go. But people change, and feelings change as time goes on, and it looked like my time had come to walk away, so that's exactly what I did. I didn't think anything of it at the time because why would I bother fighting for someone who wouldn't do the same for me? It finally clicked for me that you just wanted me around so you would feel seen and nothing more. I accepted it, but it still didn't make me want you back or anything; I just felt stupid for going along with it. I thought it was going to work, but I was blinded by the fake smiles and fake doings that it never registered with me what you really wanted until I walked away.

You wanted to be seen and heard but never to be loved. You wanted the attention that your peers lacked to give you. You wanted comfort that your parents lacked in providing for you. You just wanted shit from others so you could make up for the things others lacked in, and now that I have you figured out, there's really no need for me to bother with your existence because you'll always be needing something from someone, and I'm only one person, so that right there is already out of my jurisdiction. I wish you the best of luck but I'm glad I got out when I did because I feel like if I were to actually be with you, I would have just felt like I would have to compete with 100 different people just to satistfy your needs and I'm not about to compete with other people when I can just find the same thing somewhere else with less trauma and needs. Hate me all you want, but it's the truth, and the truth kills, so do me a favor and just keep yourself out of my sight and stop hinting shit about me to me. It's not a good look for someone who's got another man in her pants.