Blog Post 527
Do You Ever Think About the Shit You Did?
I know it’s no longer my place to wonder about you, but sometimes I feel like I need to check up on you and see how you’ve been doing, and hope everything’s been going well for you, but then again, what’s the point of it?! It would only make me seem like I’m trying to gain something from you when in reality, that’s never been the case when I think of you! I actually did care for you from the moment we met, but I know my heart and mind were on other things, and that’s my fault! I just wish you were still around so I wouldn’t feel so lost in this world! Sometimes I go back on our old photos, thinking back to what we once had, only to realize it’ll never happen again because of our decisions in the past, and it sucks it had to be that way, but it was your call, and I just accepted it, thinking nothing of it at the time!
But as time went on, I kept having thoughts about you, making me wonder if it was really worth going through the pain of erasing you or if I should have held on to something that made me feel alive?! I was going back and forth on the thoughts of deleting you, but I just couldn’t go through with it! So I put you to the side, hoping one day we’ll meet again and pick up where we left off! But it’s been a little bit over 3 years now, and I’m wondering if that day will ever come! I know holding on isn’t doing much good for me or my mental health, but how can I let go of someone who I wanted to make something out of nothing with?! It just doesn’t make sense to me!
But it’s whatever, I guess! I know one day I’ll look back on it all and figure it out for myself as to why we had to go our separate ways! I just wish you and I could cross paths one time one more time just to see if I still feel the same for you or if the feelings are truly gone for you! I know it’ll mess up the timeline if we meet/see one another face to face again, but I fear it’s the only way to truly know and for me to fully move on from you! I know my feelings still linger somewhere in the void because whenever your name gets mentioned, or a pic of you appears, I get butterflies in my stomach, not knowing how to react other than just sit there and let the feelings fade away!
I try to think about other things but whenever you get mentioned/asked about I just feel like I should reach out but I know it’s just my feelings over reacting to the situation so I just go numb to the thought of you making it seem like you’re no longer someone I know but the truth is I still think of you and I’m lowkey wishing I could find a way to go back to talking to you! But I know it’s just a feeling of wanting something to happen with you even though I know I’ll never be able to handle it!
So I go around walking the empty streets thinking about the good times we had, only to find myself in my notes writing out all the things I feel when it comes to you! Not sure if posting them would help me move on from you or if it would make me wander off further into the void, trying to avoid the thought of you and me ever happening ever again! There are so many things that happen to me when I think of you that it makes me question if my existence serves any purpose to anyone around me or if I’m just supposed to stay away from others and avoid getting close to anyone who comes my way nowadays!
I feel like there’s no longer a need for me to meet new people when the only person that’s on my mind is you, and as much as I try to keep myself away from you, something keeps pulling me back towards you as if we have unfinished business to discuss! It’s just I don’t know why it ever had to come to this when everything was going right between us two, but suddenly things shifted to where you left me in the dark, leaving me to find the answers on my own, making me wonder if I’ll ever be good enough for someone else or just you in general! I never thought about hating you because I knew you hadn’t given me any reasons to hate or dislike you at the time, and maybe that’s my mistake for making you out to seem like you could do no wrong, but at the time you really didn’t do anything wrong!
At least from the looks of everything that happened between us two, there were never any questions that came from you to make me wonder what your intentions were because you were pretty straightforward from the jump, so everything just seemed to be smooth sailing! Until you decided to leave one day, making me wonder if there was something wrong with me or if the timing of us meeting was all wrong! I was the one who made the first move, and I took my time to listen to your needs and go from there, thinking it was the right decision. But I guess it still wasn’t enough to make you stay, and I just gotta ask why?! I know I’ll probably never get an answer to that, but still it makes me wonder what I did that made you wanna never talk to me about what went wrong! I guess the unknown is better than knowing the full truth; it seems with you!
I just wish you didn’t have to go out of your way to make things feel so real, only to look me in the eyes and tell me it was all a lie and back away as if it was the right thing to do! I looked back at you, wondering if you were only in it for the sex, but I couldn’t come to terms with that because of the way you treated me, so I knew it wasn’t that! But even after everything that happened between us two, I was left with more questions than answers, and that’s the sad part! You left me wondering about it all with a broken heart, feeling like it was never real and that I was never gonna get it right with you or anyone else after you! So I left the room and let you do what you did best and never looked back on the things that happened in that room! I sat in the dark alone, listening to my music, making me second-guess my life and doings, making me feel as if never existing was the better choice than living a life where people just come and go in my life!
I knew that it wasn’t all my fault, but at the same time all I could do was put all the blame on myself so I could still see you in a better way, but deep down inside I knew what I was doing was all wrong! But I didn’t care because I was still holding on to the thought of us making things work again! But turns out that day never came, and I’m starting to think it’ll never come! I know I should have moved on after the first few months had passed, but something inside of me was still stuck on the thought of you and everything we did! I know you never cared about me like how I cared about you, but damn if I had known you were just trying to get the best of me and make me feel less of myself, then I would have just left you alone! But I was dumb to see it for how it truly was! I guess the beauty on the outside had me thinking differently when, in reality, I should have been focusing on your mindset and gone from there! I thought I had finally found a good one, but nope! You were just standing there making me feel less and less of myself, making me wonder if the pain of moving on would ever end!
You watched as I was hurting, only to keep knocking me down further and further from the love I once knew! I let myself fall off the edge, hoping it would kill me off once again, making me stronger once I got back to my original self, making me realize there’s never going to be anyone worth my time ever again! I figured I’d end up missing my old self, but I’d never miss the ones who hurt me and watched me drown when I needed saving! It’ll never be right in my mind for the shit you did, but I learned to accept the fact that you’re never going to change, and I needed to change myself so when others like you come my way I’ll know to never give them a chance or bother allowing them to do what you did to me! It’s no longer that deep to me on the shit you did when I’ve moved past it and forgotten all about you now!
You can act as if you know nothing about me and my existence no longer means anything to you but the truth is you’ll always have a path that leads you back to me it’s just a matter of time if I’ll still be there if you ever find yourself on it or not because the truth is the old Mak would want to hear your voice again and laugh at the lil jokes you tell! But I can’t say that the current one wants any part of you right now! So if you ever find yourself and the old Mak, then try and work things out with him before you come to me thinking things will be in your favor of us picking up where we once left off! Because no offense, but how can you expect me to feel anything towards you when you didn’t even ask if you could fix the damages that you caused?!