Blog Post 526

Just Promise Me One Thing

Wish I knew where to go from here without you next to me. I thought we got it right between us two, but I guess my avoidant issues came into play, and I thought of you as nothing more than just another memory in the works. It sucks it came to this, but it's whatever. You must've said or done something that was no longer worth my time, and that's fucked up on my part because I thought you were pretty cool, but it looks like my brain and heart had other plans. I knew eventually this would happen but didn't think it would actually be so soon. 

But I can't rewind time or bring you back when it has already happened. All we can do now is just cross paths and act as if we never met and go about our lives as we normally would do. I know you must've thought of me as someone you could rely on and depend on, but the truth is I'm way too hyper-independent to be giving it my all towards someone. I'd rather give it my all in the creative work that I do rather than having to put it into a person who doesn't really know anything about me and can easily walk out of my life just as I can in theirs. 

People have never been a priority of mine, and I think that's why they're so confused about me when I leave without a trace. You can see me as whatever you pictured me being in your head, to suddenly not being there and making you think that I was never real by the way I can walk past you as if we never met. It's bad on my part, but it protects me from feeling things for other people, knowing that I'll just end up hurting them in the process. So I just get out and fade away before it ever happens. I don't care to think about it twice when I know what happens if I stay, and staying never worked out for me. So I do as I please and hope you find the better version of me in someone else, knowing there's always better after me. 

There's never a need for others to truly stay around me unless they need to vent to me about their problems because I'll sit there and listen to you talk about it, but I won't tell you if you were right or wrong because it's your life, so you just gotta do what you believe is right and wrong and go from there. I can only guide in the direction that you're willing to go. But I won't hold your hand during the process. It's never been my strong point. I know my life is fucked up as is, and well, I just don't want other's lives to be fucked up as mine because there's no way out once you get consumed by your own doings, feeling nothing but lost and regret when in reality all you should be thinking about is how to get out of this mess and go from there. Stop sitting around blaming yourself for the shit that other people did to make you lose your sense of hope and who you are.

Shit, if you need to, just go straight to the source and call them out on all the shit they did that made you feel like you do now and just let it out on them. Fuck that crying shit. Go do harm to the ass hole who broke your heart, made you cry, made you feel the things you should've never felt, etc and see how it makes you feel afterwards. Don't come to me if you aren't going to take action afterwards. Stop feeling as if you're stuck and don't know what to do when it comes to people who fuck you over. You have all the information you need about them after spending, like, a few weeks or a few months with them? So you should have figured out their schedule by now, so just go off what you know and plan your revenge / get back from there. It's really not that difficult. I don't understand how I'm still getting approached by you when the plan is simple. Stop making excuses and go hit a lick on that man and get back to me afterwards. Until then, it's not my issue.

You wanna play like the victim every time shit goes south, but have you ever thought of, for once maybe fuck this and fuck them? I wanna do it my way? I feel like once you get in that state of mind you'll be coming to me less and less, and well, I'd stop having to worry about you. You've got the brains for putting these guys in their place, but I know your heart and mind are pure and that what's stopping you from doing it is something I like, but damn, sometimes it just gets to a point where you need to let go of that good heart and mind and go cause some chaos to better your attitude and build your tolerance to bullshit. I don't know how else to explain it other than stop being such a prissy priss and go be the bad ass bitch we all know and love. I know this is probably the exact opposite of what you wanted to hear, but girl, come on now.

How much longer are we going to sit here on the parking deck going back and forth on what you're going to do when the answers are already in you? You just gotta drop the good girl act and be the girl they're afraid to lose. It's really just your state of mind that you should be focused on, not the boys that come your way. Shit, if I were you, I'd just act as if none of the guys in town will ever be good enough for you and keep your standards high until someone is willing to go out of their way and show you that they're willing to fight for you til they can finally call you theirs. But hey, that's just me, and I know that's not really much of your scene, but hey, it can be a start if you let shit go and start building yourself from the ground up. But other than that, I have nothing else to say to you. It's your life and your decision on what you want to do about it.