Blog Post 524

Bad for Me

You know who you are, so don't be shocked when this gets to you. It's just easier this way than having to track you down as if you're a missing person. I know where you stay and go; I just choose to stay clear of all those places. I feel like the timing is never on my side when I see you, so I let the time go by as the thought of you slowly slips away, making me forget what you were to me. I go to bed late at night thinking about what it could have all meant, only to have no recollection of it in the morning. I feel you watching me whenever I'm out and about, only to look around and see an empty street. I don't know what it all means right now, but eventually it'll all come clear to me as to why your presence is lingering in the void as if it's trying to escape and come my way, knowing there's no more room for me in your life. At least not from when we last spoke. But if you're ever near and need to talk, then please feel free to do so; I won't stop you. It'll probably do more good than harm, and it'll help me understand why you've been gone all this time only to still exist as if you're near me.

I just hate how you were once in my bed only to never be seen ever again. Making me wonder if you were ever real or if it was just a dream from the trauma that you had once caused. I know things never made much sense after your absence, but I know I regret the sight of losing you when we both knew how I truly felt towards you. I tried my best to not pretend that you were bad for me, but it never seemed to go as planned, so I let the feelings take over, and it left me stranded wondering where you'd be and if I should follow. I never had the chance to even understand the pain you brought my way, but somewhere down the line the pain was never real; I was just making it a part of me because the void you left in me was better than not feeling anything. So I let the pain do what it does best and break me down piece by piece, thinking it would lead me back to you. But instead I lost myself in the process, thinking that's what I needed to feel alive. But it was never the case; I just needed to come to terms that you were dead to me and the bed we once placed our heads on was something we no longer needed.

I cut the memories of you and the life I dreamt of having with you from my dreams, making it crystal clear that you were never the one for me. I realised you were just trying to get inside my head for one thing and one thing only, and that's the fucked up part because I never saw you in that way, and maybe that's why you chose to do it with me. Because you wanted the satisfaction and to feel like you were wanted, when in reality the only thing that was going on in the back of my head was when will this nightmare end as if I was in control of what happened between us two. I wanted to keep it chill, not have anything go wrong, but you had other plans and chose to put your hands on my body as if I was yours, making me think this was just a game, only for you to keep going down on me after I dissociated from the thought of you. I let it happen, knowing it would make you happy, but I completely lost touch with who I was and what was happening. I let you have your ways only to wake up the next day feeling like I was in the wrong.

I knew what had happened but didn't acknowledge it because why should I? I knew the consequences of me being with you and what your intentions were, even though you had no plans on seeing me in that way. But I played along and did it anyway just to get it over with so you'd go back to the gates of hell where you came from. I didn't mind the mind games; I just wish it never had to come to that. I wish we could have just left each other alone and didn't bother asking bout one another after crossing paths that night. I knew the soul you had was no good, but I felt like it was something worth getting to know, only to find myself drowning in a pool of blood from the damage that was caused that night. I know it was my mistake for giving you the go-ahead to find me once again, but I figured we were still figuring out this thing called life, so why not just learn from one another? That's where I was coming from. You could have been a teacher of mine and shown me things I was missing out on, and I could have done the same for you, but instead your whole agenda changed after I left without a trace, and for that I don't blame you. It's just a shame you had to prove a point by hurting me in the process of it; that's the part that's got me fucked up. But I guess it's cool because you said it was for experimental purposes only and left after that.