Blog Post 523

Not Sure What This Is...

I know I did some more digging on my origins and wanted to see if the orphanage I was from was still around, but I didn't find any clues, so I just watched some videos on adoption agencies in Kazakhstan and still didn't find the building I was looking for. I know there's more than one adoption house in Kazakhstan, but for me to not find the one that I was photographed in front of is kind of odd, don't you think, or am I just tripping? Yeah, they could have changed the color of it, but the entire structure of a building? Please be so for real. What do you mean you can't find this building? It's in a city that still exists to this day, so why can't I find it? Like, a building doesn't just get up and walk away, ya know. I mean, it could have been torn down or whatever, but then I'd want to know why it was torn down and whether there are any secrets that it held.

I don't know; I just wanna figure out why my existence was ever even thought of and created if I wasn't fully wanted by the people who decided to conceive me. Sorry, this really has no business being talked about; it's just the thoughts I'm having, and I'm having difficulties sleeping because I'm nowhere close to finding the answers that I seek, and it's highkey pissing me off. I've been scouring the internet for this orphanage ever since I came to the States, and there's no trace of it! So what you're telling me is I basically spawned out of thin air? Let me stop!! I guess the idea of just trying to figure out who I am once again is getting the best of me. I feel like I keep losing a part of me, or whatever is left of me, to this deep dive on where I came from. I know I'm not from Mars or anything like that. I'm just trying to figure out why the hell someone would decide to conceive a child knowing they didn't want it or need it. 

Why would you wait a whole 9 months or however long you waited to bring me into this world, only to not want anything to do with me? Why do I feel like I was just a cash grab and nothing else? I know that's fucked up to think/say, but it has always crossed my mind, and maybe that's why I'm so distant with others. I know I shouldn't blame others for what my birth givers did to me, but at the same time I keep thinking of what could've happened, and they're all fucked up situations. Maybe it comes from me being in one for 6 and a half years, so my brain automatically translates all the answers to my questions to just being fucked up scenarios. I don't know; it's not like it's a wild coincidence. I'm just speaking from how it's always been for me, and I know I shouldn't think like that, but how else am I supposed to think and feel about it when my whole life growing up was just a guessing game?! 

Eventually, I just started to believe whatever I saw and whatever was placed in front of me to be the truth and went about my life without a second thought. I knew my biological parents didn't want me, so they left me only to get put into an orphanage, and eventually someone else found me to claim as theirs, and the rest is history, how I see it. I don't really care to get into all the details on how I really felt at the time because I never really understood my feelings. All I knew was if I stopped doing something I'd get paid, and that pretty much sums up my childhood. Shitty but worth the money, I suppose, and  I think that's why I always look for a price and don't do shit for free. I know it's a bad habit, but how can you be mad or blame me when that's how I grew up to be?

I know my feelings should be valid on this, but why am I confused about who I should even be mad at or even put the blame on? I feel like there's nobody to even be mad at because the people who put me in the orphanage were probably too young to even know what to do, or they just knew better that it would have been easier for me to live without their care. I get a feeling they were the type of people who knew they didn't have the means to take care of a child, so they gave me up but probably tried for another child in the near future only to finally be ready, and I'm okay with that thought/idea. It never really bothered me. I feel like I would have been more bothered by the fact of them giving me up and then, when they finally had a second child or however many more they would have tried to find me and take me back, etc. I feel like I would have had more of an issue with that because nah, you said fuck me and gave me up, so it's literally a fuck you and stay the fuck away from me. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be an ass, but what the fuck do you mean you want to come find me after 20+ years? Yeah, you're smoking crack thinking I'll ever want anything to do with you.

Yeah, you can tell me why you chose to do what you did, and I'll do my best to understand it, but for you to think you'll ever get to claim me as your son is fucking beyond me. There's no way in hell you think I'm going out of my way to give you any sort of credit for my life. Nah fuck you!! I don't really care to be in the same room as you or hear about the shit you did to me. I just wish you hadn't done it in the first place; that's all. I wish you never gave birth to me, and instead I wish you would have just popped a Plan B or aborted me. I really don't understand how that's such a hard thing to realize from my point of view. You literally would have saved me so much misery if you had just never given birth to me; that's all I'm saying, nothing more, nothing less. 

I just feel like I would have found a better meaning elsewhere, or my soul would have I don't know how my nonexistence feels about existing right now, if that makes sense. I feel like it's all just one big mistake, and I'm having to deal with the failures of your doings even though I never asked to be here. That's where I'm getting at, and if you think that's upsetting, then maybe you should have done a better job at planning instead of rushing into shit knowing you never had the means or capacity to take fully responsibilitly of me as a newborn. I don't care about the past or the shit you think you did to save me I just wish you could have found a way to communicate or find the person who adopted me. I even asked if we could find you again, but they said there was no information on your whereabouts, and the documents of your name and the father's name could have been false, so I was stuck in time trying to figure out why that could have been. 

I wondered if you were some sort of high end profiles or soemthing but to give me up that sounded a bit odd becasue if that was the case you would have just hired sitters for me so I knew that wasn't the case so I was just left to wonder about the real you and the real reasons as to what me be so unwanted that you had to do the things you did. I know I shouldn't dwell on the idea or the thought of you, but I still do every now and then, and then I'm brought back to remember who I am and where I truly come from, and for that I can't thank you enough. Because there are moments in my life where I lose my sense of identity, but then I look at all the documents and find a deeper meaning behind my life, only meant for me, and that's what keeps me going. So thank you for leaving that in the notes of the documents!