Blog Post 520

Stop Asking, What Are We

I gotta take a step back and chill out for a bit because the vibes are no longer how I last left them with you, and it's making me look like the bad guy even though I haven't done anything but stay lowkey and out of the way from the drama. I used to see you every few days; now it's only a few months in and out when I'm in town, finding my way back. I can't tell if the nights have been lonely for me or just for you. Because I see you living life from the pics you post, thinking it was for the best, but when you hit my line you're crying your eyes out, asking for my return, not knowing why my return even matters to you when you chose to go silent. I guess the thought of me didn't go as planned for you. You end up looking for a sign in the songs I put out on what we are, but the truth is, I haven't made a single song about you yet, and even if I did, I don't think the world is ready to hear my side of the story after all the lies you put out on my name. It no longer matters when shit's been done and over with for a while now. I just felt like the silence was better than shedding tears. I wish I had let you know sooner, but honestly I was too caught up in my own nightmare that the thought of you didn't even cross my mind.

Every time we claim we're done with one another, we wake up next to one another asking ourselves what it means, only to just look the other way, not thinking too much of it. You and I know when to go and when to come back but soemtimes I feel like the timing will one day fade away and we'll stop missing one another making us see the reality of it all and bring us back to our knees asking if it's really done or if it's just another fight we gotta go through and if it's another fight we gotta go through you can have it. I don't wanna keep doing this shit any longer, when I've had enough of it, honestly. You heard me right; I don't hate you; I'm just moving on from it all, hoping you can understand me and where I'm coming from. We both know this isn't worth holding on to when there are other people's lives at risk and wondering how things are when all we do is lie to them, acting as if everything is going well when it's complete chaos behind closed doors. But we bypass the pain and tears and continue to act as if shit is fixed and things are how they're supposed to be, only to dodge all the questions when it comes to us and our well-being.

You keep acting as if shit was going to solve itself out when all you ever did was bash me for just existing, acting as if what you were doing was right all along. I was caught up in the paper chase, and losing sight of you didn't really bother me. I just knew my two phones were on dnd making sure your calls didn't go through after all the shit you put me through. I thought the recovery time would heal all, but instead I was just sitting still, deep in thought of how it got to this, only to find myself throwing all the blame your way. I wish I could have asked you what your problem was, but instead I just faded out as if it was the only thing to do, only to find you at my door at 3 in the morning asking if we could talk. I didn't care to say much, so I just let you walk in while I headed back to bed, thinking you'd just leave. But instead you sat in the chair as I slept, wondering what to do with me, knowing there was nothing more you could have done. I was done talking with you, and you should've just packed your stuff and left me in the morning. But instead I woke up to you staring me down as if I was in the wrong, and honestly I didn't care to acknowledge you, so I just acted as if you weren't there and proceeded to go about my day.

You had such a problem with my doing my own thing, even though that's all you ever told me to go do, and now that you see me doing it, you wanted to go off as if I was in the wrong lol. Girl, please shut the fuck up and get a life. Out here acting as if I owe you an explanation for your own doing is crazy. You chose this, so let's just go about it the right way and leave it alone. I told you from the jump that this wasn't going to end how you wanted it to. So by all means, get out and find someone else to get you what you need. I'm only good for a short amount of time, and after that it's back to my hyper-independent life without the thought of others asking what I'm doing. I gave you two weeks to prove to me who you were, and you did just that, and it turns out we aren't meant for each other; that's why I proceeded with the distance and space from you. I just know what it is I'm looking for, and you just aren't that person, so by all means, can you please just leave me be and go find someone else? It's all I ask from you, nothing more, nothing less. If you need me to drop your stuff off at your place, I can, but right now I just need to be left alone to collect my thoughts and process all the damage that you caused.