Blog Post 518

It's Time to Let it Go

Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe I'm just so used to getting hurt that I felt like pushing myself clear from you was the only way. I guess only time will tell, and we can just go from there. I don't really care to see the point of checking my phone once or twice when there's nothing coming in. I joke aside as if it's how it's supposed to be, but when it comes to you, I feel like there should have been a chance where I could've been on your mind. But instead, it's just a blank space, and I'm cool with that. Fewer feelings and fewer things to deal with. I don't really know what I wanted when it came to you, so I kept it cool and played my part. But at the same time, I couldn't help but think about all the what-ifs, only to drop the act and thought of ever being with you. I saw you walking by, thinking we could laugh about it all, but instead, I just put my head down and turned the corner, hoping you didn't notice me. I didn't really wanna bother you or make you feel like you had to talk to me when we already know how the conversation would have gone. I guess I'm too much at peace with myself that trying to talk to others would just disrupt the peace I have going for me, and besides, nobody even knows I exist anymore, so it's kind of like what's the point of making my presence known to others when they'll just ask who I am and whatever happened to me. 

I just feel like that alone is too much to take in, and I know it's mostly my fault for letting it get that way, but at the same time, it feels better this way than having people always talking to me. I love the solitude and the quietness that I have in my life, that involving someone else in my life just so they can interrupt makes my skin itch lowkey to highkey. I hate the fact that people see me alone and feel like they need to be involved in some sort of way when I'm just bound to shut them out and walk away from the scene completely. I swear it's like nobody knows what it's like to be hyper-independent anymore. It's always gotta be people in the way of peoples doing and trying to act as if they need you or want you in there life when I just need to find a quiet place to ease my mind from the chaos that this world brings and I can't do that when I've got people down my neck reaching out to hangout and to do shit that doesn't interest me. It's such a waste of time to me, and don't get me wrong, I don't mind it if it's like a close friend trying to reach out to me, but at the same time, I honestly would rather just be alone on the top of a ledge looking over the city skyline and eating a burger with some fries and a shake. It's all I really want and care to do, and I don't care to make it known to others on my outings because why would I want you to bother me when I'm just trying to process my thoughts and life out!

I just feel like people look at me and see me as a social person, but in reality, that side of me has completely died off, and I don't care to bring that side of me alive ever again. Being social was fun when I was fresh out of high school during my late-night, clubbing-out nights, but now I'd rather just keep my distance and not talk to anyone about anything. People seem to spread other people's business like wildfires nowadays, and it's lowkey pointless to even tell people the truth nowadays. I'd rather just sit in front of someone with a straight face and tell them the truth, and let them twist it into a lie and go about my life. I have no need to prove my point to anyone on anything. Everything has been done for a reason, and now that everything I've wanted to do has been done, I can go ahead and vanish from the public's eye and just focus on my blog site and get out as many blog posts as possible before the year ends, because I think once 2027 comes around, I'll no longer be interested in doing this.

I know I haven't really made any plans to quit or find another outlet to process all the things I feel, but for now, I think I'm getting to the point where this will forever be mine to own and have and look back on, but at the same time, if I've healed from my trauma, then what purpose does this serve me? It just feels like a loop that I can't escape, and I want to escape the loop, as crazy as it sounds. Yes, I'm aware I'm perfectly good at blogging about my life and sharing it with the world, but if the new version can no longer relate to the past, then I feel as if the blog post will be steered into a direction, and I'm not sure if I want that for this site. I feel as if I went into a different direction with this site, then a sense of identity would be lost, and it wouldn't make any sense to keep it around. That's why I'm thinking about just keeping what I have published, published for the public, and letting the readers keep coming back to see how far I've come from early childhood into adulthood. I think it's crazy to think that I've been doing this for close to over 11 years. I never expected my life to rely so heavily on this blog site, but yet here I am, 518 posts later, and it holds all my secrets and the ins and outs of my entire life, which is kind of crazy. 

But yeah, as of right now, I'll continue to push out blog post til I run my fingers into the ground and can't write or type anymore. I know I'll never stop having ideas about things to write about since my life seems to always be on a never-ending roller coaster, and I'm okay with it because it makes me who I am, and without it, I don't think I would have ever had this many blog posts to publish. I know I shouldn't feel some type of way thinking about letting go, but I kind of do. I know I could continue with the whole publishing thing, but at the same time, I feel like this site has run its course, and so has my mind. So if you guys suddenly see a decrease in blog posts or a complete halt to my posting, then the time has come, and I'm finally free from the unprocessed thoughts that are constantly running in the back of my head. I've had a pretty good experience with this whole blogging about my life and the things that go on, but It's time for me to take a step back and let someone else take over for now and just keep this a safe haven for my future self and younger self.