Blog Post 516

Hey Kid, It's Going to Be Okay...

You might not know anything about me and who I am, but I know who you are and what you've been through and all the tears you cried behind the closed doors, hoping nobody would hear you. You lie to yourself about the pain not being there or it not hurting you as bad as you think it is, but the truth is, it's killing you from within, thinking that ignoring it is the safer option. I see the things you do to make sure those around you are safe and well, only to come back home and find yourself on the floor asking why it had to be you and not the other way around. You lay there for hours thinking of all the ways to end it, but instead you fall asleep for 5-8 hours, hoping the thoughts and pain go away. You're stronger than you'll ever know, and I know, and I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you for keeping yourself alive for this long. You keep pushing and overcoming the shitty obstacles as you did when you were first born, and that's how I know you're meant to stay alive. So tell me what's hurting you the most, and we can try to find a way to solve the issue. It's your life on your terms. We can either talk about it here or somewhere else where nobody has to know. I just need to see you holding on a tad bit longer because I'm not ready to see you leave.

I know the battles you keep hidden from those around you is something you hate bringing up, so you leave the crowded places and go to the places you feel safer in, only to ask yourself why it had to be you. You ask so many questions about why it had to be you, but never about how happy you are because it is you. I know the feeling of wanting to die all too well, but at the same time, do you ever think about how you leaving this earth would make those closest to you feel, or does that never cross your mind? The thought of you leaving makes everyone around you sad and worried about your safety, hoping they don't see you lose the battles you're fighting in your head. But when they come asking if you need help, you push them to the side because you know it's better if nobody is around when it happens, because you don't want them to think it was their fault when you only ever put the blame on yourself, thinking it's better this way. You steer away from those that love you when all you wanted was for someone to stay next to you and make you laugh, even though the situations aren't ever a laughing matter, but the thought of it makes you smile and see the better things in life, but instead, you just stick to the shadows and hope it all works out in the end.

You have no idea what it's like watching you from the sidelines, wondering if you're making it back home or if I'm going to witness a suicide on your attempt. It's scary not knowing how the night will go when you shy away from opening up and letting someone in on what's really going on. You make it your business to make sure nobody knows your business when sometimes the business is their business if it means saving you from the things you think about and are willing to go through to end it all. You're a smart kid, but you choose to make some of the dumbest choices, and for what? You act as if everyone is an enemy of yours, but in reality, they just want the best for you, so why are you shutting them out when they get close to you? Let it be fucking known that the people you love mean everything to you, or don't; it's not my call. Just don't come back to me asking me for help when I'm right here right now trying everything I can to stop you from the pain from spreading to your head. You're the only one who knows what's going on and how you feel, so please just let it out so I can help you. There's nothing to be afraid of. 

Why are you walking away from me? Stop come back... Don't tell me to leave you alone... Stop, there's a fucking car, holy fuckkkkk. You said it was never going to end well. I'm ending it right now fuck this shit. Stop! What the fuck are you doing? Please stop fucking walking so fast. No fuck you, fuck this shit, this life is fucked. You're just making it worse. Get the fuck out, my fucking god. You're just like the rest. Fuckkkkkkk!!! No wait, what do you mean I'm like the rest? Please explain to me what you mean. There's nobody like me, so what am I supposed to do when you try to help me, knowing there's nobody with the same issues as mine? How do you solve a puzzle you've never done or seen before? Please let me know what the point of all this is, because I promise you there isn't one and there never will be for as long as I live. This life is at a dead-end street, and I'm not going back to where I came from, so please just let me go and understand that I'm finally happy and my wounds are finally healed. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but it's what's best for me and everyone that's ever been around me. It's never been that deep or real to me, so let's just be done with this and go our separate ways in life, shall we?! It's all I've ever wanted, and you've known this, so why are you telling me no? It's really not making much sense to me, so please, for the love of God, let me go! 

Kid, I can't do that. I'm not letting you go, so please just stay calm and let me come to you. I'm not losing you to this battle, not here, not now. I'm on my way, so just hold on a little bit longer. It's going to be alright, just gotta believe in yourself. Don't let the thought of other people's doings bring you down. Just close your eyes and let the feelings go. You don't wanna end it this way. Please, kid, don't. I'm here. Please don't do this, kid! I'm so sorry I couldn't have been here sooner. I never wanted you to feel this way. Please stop pleading with the devil and come back home, where you're loved and needed. You don't have to do this. Please!! Cry all you want and let it out, but don't fucking take all the blame and end it as if you don't matter or think people don't care for you! I'm not ready to lose you, and you might hate me for saying this, but if you die, then I die, and how can I rest in peace when the person I was supposed to end up saving dies? Please, can we just go back home and talk about it there? ... I'm sorry I couldn't have been here sooner, and I'll never forgive myself for leaving you out on your own like that when you were looking for the answers on what to do and how you should go about dealing with the things you no longer wanna deal with. It's my fault, and there's never going to be any amount of words to make you understand how sorry I am about it all!!