Blog Post 511

Why Do I Love You

I know I shouldn't have to ask myself these stupid little questions every few days. But still, I can't help but do it because I feel as if there's a part of me that's untrue, and no matter what I do, I feel like I'll never be good enough for you, but at the same time, you lean in and tell me that I'm doing everything that's supposed to be done when it comes to you. So why do I feel sad when the thought of you crosses my mind, as if I'm still not enough? I know there's no real answer as to what I'm asking myself, so I look your way to try and find it in your eyes, only to smile in the process of it, thinking that you're all I need, but I can't come to terms with it because I'm scared of losing you. So I take precautions when approaching you, hoping I don't make a fool out of myself. I wish I could tell you that I love you, but I know where I stand with my heart and mind, and they'll never let it get to that, so I just sit on the sidelines watching you do your thing, hoping you don't fall or trip, and even if you did, I'd be right there pickin you up, asking if you're okay. I wish I could figure you out, but instead, I just look for the answers to what you and I could be. 

I hope this doesn't make you feel some type of way towards me. I'm just constantly thinking of you, wondering if you think of me. I know it shouldn't matter or bother me if you do or don't, but how cool would it be if you did? I don't know, my mind is racing around you at 100+ miles an hour, trying to keep up with you, only to get stuck in deep thought about what happens when we cross that line. I don't wanna cross it just to watch you leave through that door. So what should I do when it comes to not losing you? I keep telling myself that I love the thought of you and everything you do, but am I ready to give it my all just to see you walk away? I feel like no matter how much I give you your space, you're always making your way back to me as if you need me, and I'm not sure if you actually see something in me or if I did something that made you think I was worth it. I wish I had the answers as to why you're so close to me now, when we agreed on just being friends who like each other, but didn't have the feelings out in the open. I feel like it was a pretty simple thing to know and do, only now realizing that you're all I think about. Making me wonder if I should break the rules or just stick to them so I don't end up hurting you.

I wish I knew what to do right now, because the way I think about you is so different, making me wanna catch a flight your way and just be next to you. But I don't bother with that thought because I know it's not something you want. I just hope you're doing well and know that in my eyes, you're the only one I wanna be around. I wish I could give you my all, but for some reason, I'm afraid you're going to hate it, so I keep holding back and only letting you see the surface of me. I don't wanna rush into you, but at the same time, I don't wanna wait too long and end up losing you. It hurts like hell knowing how well we go together, but we have yet to actually do anything about it. So I'm trying to figure out what the best solution is to this, when I know there's not much more I can do other than find a way to get to you, whether it be a boat, car, plane, or train. The options are there; it's just a matter of time, and time is the only thing I don't have much of, which is so annoying to know. I just know I don't wanna go back to being strangers with you when loving you is all I want to do if you'd give me the chance to do so.