Blog Post 510

Is It Too Late to Tell You How I Truly Feel?

I never thought I'd find myself looking in the mirror, trying to figure out who I am and if this is what I want or if it's just a dream where my mind plays tricks on me, making me feel like I can do no wrong when it comes to you. I remember every word you spoke without a single fear. I never cared to run away or pull away; you'd end up getting close or call me out by name. As I sit there laughing to myself, thinking of how this is happening when the rest of them only made me feel like I never mattered. I wish I knew what this all meant, but instead I'm stuck with the flow of it, seeing it for what it is, praying to the gods above that it doesn't end. I understand you like me to where things don't have to be forced or questioned, but at the same time, I keep thinking back to the start of it all, thinking to myself, this isn't going to work, only for you to tell me that you could be mine if I chose to let it happen.

I didn't know what you meant by that because the distance was further than my reach, and for some reason, I thought it was just a joke to make me laugh, but you didn't end up laughing on your end. So I knew you might have actually meant it only to freak out a bit, because my biggest fear was what if I end up hurting you and I lose you in the process? Could I live my life as if it never happened and laugh it off, or would I break down in tears begging for your return? I didn't wanna think too much of it, so I sat back thinking of all the ways this could work, only to come up with three main wins and let them be known to you. You said they were all good plans, but let's just keep it how it is and not think too much of it, and I said bet only to then cry out a few tears because, for some odd reason, it felt like all my answers had been answered at that moment.

I can't explain to you what it was, but just know the thought of you doesn't hurt me like the others did to me. You told me there was no point for me to overthink things with you because the trust was already there since day one, and you went out of your way to tell me that we were good since day one, making me feel relieved and alive knowing that there was nothing to worry bout. You took a chance on me like I took a chance on you, only to find out you're no longer shy or nervous to send me things that could trigger me into a frenzy of wanting you next to me. I do the same with you, only for you to come wishing you were next to me. I wish I could make the things you wish for come to life, but I don't wanna rush the process when the feelings I have for you are still going back and forth on playing hide and seek, making me feel as if I should just keep myself at arm's reach from you. Which is what I wish I didn't have to do because in my head I feel like the chemistry is there, but then again it's your call because I don't wanna force my way into your life, causing you to hate me in the process of it all. I stand clear from the drama and the overthinking because there's nothing to worry about when you agreed on just keeping it where it is for now. 

But when you're ready, and you still love me, we can cross that line and jump back in the deep end, hoping we make it back without drowning in the process of it all. I don't care for the things you did in your past, I only care to heal you from your past. I'm not trying to make you relive your past or have you be uncertain of my doings or anything like that when you're the only one I care to look for in a room full of people. It's crazy how when you're not on my mind, I go searching for you in my dreams, thinking to myself that one day we can actually meet and see if it works out for real. I don't know how much I can go on holding back on how I feel about you, but for right now, I'll keep it under lock until you ask me what's on my mind, when the answer will be you and only you. I just know if I told you now, then you'd end up thinking it was all a lie, and I'm not trying to have you look at me as a liar when there's never been a need to lie to you. You're too good to be true to me, and for that, there's no reason for me to lie when I just want us two to work as one, even if it's from a distance.