Blog Post 506

Tried to Love Somebody New, But They Only Lead Me Back to You!

We both know that broken hearts don't heal as fast as time moves on, but somehow we're going in circles, looking out for one another, trying our best not to let go of something so pure yet so toxic to our lives. I wish I could explain to you what the thought of losing you makes me feel when the words can't even fit on paper. It's so annoying that I can go into my notes and type it all out to clear it from my system, as if it doesn't hurt, but when it's done, all I do is cry and remove myself from your view. I wish I could go back and delete all the pain I caused and let you be free as you once were. But somewhere down the line, I erased every good in me and left the bad out in the light, making you see a different side of me as if there was nothing left to do with me other than have you let go of me and find someone else to love you better than I ever could. I know it wasn't the best decision on my part, but how else could I have made the pain go away after it's been in your eyes for the past few months, making me wonder what more I could do to save you from the tears that you cried late at night?

I thought by erasing every part of me, you could live beyond your means and take flight in a better direction. But turns out that was never the case, and it hurts to know that you stuck around trying to fix a broken heart that was never fully healed. Even with the better parts of me being stripped down and burned to ashes, you chose to stick around, trying to find the truth I held within, thinking that loving someone new was for the best. But the truth is, you were the only thing I needed at the time, and even though I didn't tell you sooner, the scars were there to remind me of the pain, and by the end, it was too late to go back and undo the pain I had caused you. So maybe one day the memories won't feel so tragic, knowing it was all my fault and it had nothing to do with your absence when your heartbeat was the only thing keeping me alive at the time. The lonely streets no longer hold the flame to what we once had, and the people that were once our friends and protectors are no longer here, and that's just something we gotta live with.

It was never supposed to end this way, but by the looks of it's all too late. I could beg and plead to the gods above to bring us back, but the fire's dead and gone, and even though the dreams still remain, there's no telling which path we'd have to take to get it right again. So I sit in the lonely night, wondering where you are, hoping all is well, only to look up and see your name written in the skyline, thinking this was my only chance to make it right. So I grab the keys and flee the scene and head to your last known location while thinking about all the what-ifs, losing sight of the road, causing me to go off the road, flipping over several times, thinking this is how it ends. I close my eyes, and your face is all I see, making me wonder if I finally found you or did you stop me from finding you. It was all such a blur, but I didn't care because your face was all I wanted to see, even though I crashed the car thinking it was the only way. I know it was stupid of me, but if I was going to be your ride or die like you asked me to be, then certain sacrifices had to be made, and for that, I can't go back on my word when the damage is already done. 

So let's just burn all the bridges that lead to us and escape from it all. Making sure nobody ever comes between us ever again. I know that holding on is our choice to make things right, but sometimes the ones we love the most, we have to let them go, and even though I never thought you'd be the one I'd be letting go, it kills me knowing it came to that. I did my best to keep it all together, but when I closed my eyes, all I saw was the ghost of you asking me when I'd come see you once again, and I didn't have an answer, and for that, I can't forgive myself because I know that's all you ever wanted from me. But I wasn't man enough to pull the trigger and I know I shouldn't put the blame on you but sometimes drowning feels better than the bullet to the head and that's my mistake for thinking like that becasue there's only smoke at the end of our love story and I'm not ready to set it to a flame atleast not right now when there's so much left to you and I.