Blog Post 502

I Will Be There...

I wish I could reach out and talk to you about every thing that's been going and how I feel towards you but I know that's no longer my place and as much as I try to avoid your socials part of me wants to show you how much I care about you but then again you told a friend of mine that you didn't want anything to do with me and ever since then I remained silent and out the way after hearing that. You didn't really make me feel anything, but at the same time, I wondered what I did that was so bad to make you say that. I tried to go back on the things that happened between us, but I came out empty-handed, so I made the conclusion that we weren't compatible with one another, and I didn't bother asking why, because there was no need. It would have only done more harm to me, and mentally, I wasn't trying to go through that again. So I dropped the thought of you and erased you from my life, only to find out that something kept pulling me towards your way, but as much as I steered the other way, your face kept lingering around as if there was something left to be said.

But I kept ignoring it and left the city to focus on my other hobbies, only to have dreams and thoughts of you making me second-guess if you were mine to actually fight for if I just had to leave things how they were. I kept reaching out to my friend, going back and forth on the idea of you and me, but at the end of the month, I realized it was just the idea of you that I liked. There was nothing more to really go on, so after I came to the realization of that, I packed my bags and came back home, only to see you in your car driving past me, making me wonder if I should reach out to you or just ignore it and forget about it ever happening. I chose to ignore it and continued with my day not knowing that I'd be sitting down going through my notes writting out all the things I felt when it came to you knowing there was never going to be a way to let you ever fully know how I felt towards you unless you found the time to read my blog post dedicated to you all throughout the months I ended up writting about you which turned out to be a full 2 months of back and forth on my feelings and the things that I wish could have been different between us two. 

After everything got processed and my feelings became back to normal, and the thought of you dried out, I went back to my normal routine, only to find myself asking myself why you had to be the one who got away and why you're still lingering in the back of my head as if we'd ever speak to one another ever again when I know that'll never happen. You made me feel like I was in the wrong for coming into your life, but you said age didn't matter as long as there was respect involved, and I knew that you came from a good place and your heart was pure, but why did I have to feel like it was all a lie when you left that day? I asked myself if it was all for show or if this was how the dating scene goes nowadays. I had so many questions for you but at the same time I knew you didn't have the answers to them so I left it alone only to be haunted in my sleep by your smile making me feel as I should call you and have you come out clean about it all but then again it would have been pointless because you would end up lying to me and I wasn't trying to deal with a liar knowing that's not who you were. 

So I was left with zero options on what to do other than just letting you go of you completely and moving on with my new life. But somehow years later, I'm sitting at my friend's place when your profile pops up, making me wonder if this was a sign to get it right or if it was just another test to see how I'd react. I told my friend I had to go and sat in my car, wondering what you've been up to all these years, not knowing if my existence ever crossed your mind or not. I looked back over to the picture of you on my phone, asking myself if you were worth my time or not, and part of me said yes while the other half wanted to turn it off and just drive home without the need of wondering what's been going on with you. I know if I reach out, then the memories I once had with you would come flooding in as if there's more to us than we claim, but I also know it's just my head playing tricks on me.

So instead, I just delete the message and log out of the app, knowing that it was best for both of us. You were just a recommended profile, but at the same time, I had something to say, only to realize it wouldn't have mattered if you read it or not. I chose to go through with my decision, making me second-guess it if I'd ever have another chance to talk to you, but at the same time, if I waited two years to see your face appear on my screen, then I'm sure I can wait another few more years. I know I should have taken a chance, but I just didn't wanna seem like a bother to you because I know how much you hate people coming in to bother you, and I just didn't feel like being one of those people to you. I wanted to be there for you but I knew if I had let you see me then the cycle would never end of me truly moving on so I did what anyone would do and vanished and hoped that the universe would one day lead us back to one another but for some reason it's kept us in a roation of passing one another only to keep going as if we've never met and I'm tired of acting as if we've never met when you're si much more than that to me and always will be. I wish I could reach out and make you see that things aren't how they used to be with me.