Blog Post 500
Finally Free From You
Not sure where to even begin, but I know this is where it ends, and I'm okay with that. You and I both know the facts about what's been going on and why I can no longer stay or bother making my existence known when everything is finally put back to where it once was, and every broken piece has been found and put back together. You might find me looking up into the midnight sky with tears coming down my face, asking why I'm crying, but the truth is, I never thought the day of being set free from all the trauma and fears would ever come my way. So I apologize if I stop reaching out and giving updates on everything but most of the things I was going through was because I was holding on to people who didn't deserve to know me and now that I have nobody to call a friend or foe it's alot more peaceful and everything just feels so right that there's no need for the tears or fears to linger around.
You once said that nobody could ever love me and I gotta say you were right because I never learned to fully love myself for who I was and was only ever trying to be someone that others needed and ever since I stopped being the guy others needed I learned that I never really learned to love myself and now that I've come to the realization that I might never fully have that option to doing so I can only go out of my way and try to give the love I should have given myself instead of hurting those who get close to thinking it was for the best. I understand the distance helped me figure out the missing pieces to my life and the fact that is was just self love this whole time is what hurts the most because never in my life did I think I could love myself for all the things I had to go through and the things that I did in my past because everyone only ever saw it as failures and wanted no part of me and honstly I learned to be okay with it and I know I shouldn;t have but it felt safer and easier than having to try and fight my way just so others could love me.
I never meant to stop loving others, but I truly felt like my existence was no longer needed, so I avoided everyone, thinking it was best for them. I kept waiting for someone to come find me, but nobody ever came my way, so I knew that my existence was no longer needed, and I just lost touch with everyone I once knew, thinking that it was the best decision. I never needed or asked for someone to love or care for me, I knew if I had then I would have just scared them off so I waited patentially for someone to come along only to get hurt in the process of it because the love I need wasn't the same love they were offereing so I just kept avoiding those that came my way and now I'm no longer sure if love is something I'll truly know or have it figured out. The love people give nowadays feels forced and untrue, which makes me steer away from them completely because the mental pressure to keep up with something that feels wrong just isn't worth my time. They act so fake around me that it makes me wanna cry because why are you bothering with me, knowing that I can't process the reasoning for you trying to force your way into my life, knowing how distant I can get from others.
You see me and think that I'll let you in only to come to find out I'm just mirroring you and by the end of the night you'll end up hating me because I gave you a taste of your own medicine and it kills me that I had to go out of my way and show you who you really were knowing I'm the exact opposite of you and that's why you and I will never work and I don't think I wanna have the time to ever meet someone who's like me or close to being like me. Because I know how my mind works, and it's not something worth sticking around getting to know. You'd end up having more questions for me that can not be answered because of everything that's ever happened to me, I chose to avoid, only to realize I am the way that I am because of everyone who got close to me. It was never my intention to get close to other people, but at the same time, I did my best to give them the benefit of the doubt but all they did was just break me from within, and I have to live with the regret of having them get close to me.
It's whatever at this point, only because I no longer have ties to anyone or anything other than my notes app, where I can still write out my ideas and draft things out to help ease my mind. But when it comes to people, I don't have any relationships with anyone. I don't bother reaching out, and I don't claim anyone as anything to me. I don't hate anyone I once had ties to I just simply came to the realization that I no longer need to bother them or have them bother me so I deleted everyone off my phone and sorta made all my social media accounts dormant because I no longer see the point of being on social media because lets be real I've never been the type to be social in the first place so having social media to me was always just a what's the point of this. That's why I never posted or cared to keep them active. I only keep them active for the username, but other than that, they don't serve any purpose to me.
Eventually, maybe in a year or so, my entire online existence will come to an end, and the only thing that'll be left of me is just my blog site and the music that I released, but other than that, I don't think anything of mine I once posted will truly exist. I mean, maybe the archive will still exist, but anything relating to social media will most likely be wiped clean off the internet, and I gotta be honest, I think I'll be okay with it. I didn't have any regrets about wiping out my entire Snapchat and Facebook account, so if anything, the whole online presence of mine being completely erased would probably be the best thing for me, and if you have some sort of issue with it, then you clearly never fully understood me, and that's okay. It just shows you were only playing the part, and that's why I don't bother opening up about how I feel or truly think about what goes on. You're just gonna wake up one morning, and my entire presence is fully erased, and you're gonna be stuck wondering what happened, only to realize I'm finally free and happy for once in my life, so you just gotta sit back and let me do me from that point on.
There won't be any need for you to reach out, ask about me, or go to my socials and dm me because they'll be deleted, so if anything, you just gotta pray and hope I'm doing well. If you ever see me out in the streets, just know I've found what I was looking for, so there won't be much to talk about, and you just gotta accept it. You might have questions for me but I wont have the answers you're looking for because I stopped searching for the answers a long time ago and I had to come to the terms with the fact that the answers to my questions don't exist so I stopped having questions and just started living a life people know nothing about and had to make a call to someone and let them know that I'm no longer alive but at the same time I'm no longer seeking death. It all falls into the hands of my creator now, and when I finally meet them, my answers will then be answered, but until then, I'm going to just do what I know and hope nothing happens to my sanity in the process. I know I might have more questions along the way, but the questions I seek right now are only for my creator, and knowing that I can find them only gets me one step closer to finding out why I am the way that I am and why the things that happened to me had to happen. After those questions get answered, I'll finally have the free will to rest in peace knowing I finally got what I've always wanted from the person who made me.