Blog Post 499

Encore

I know this might not seem logical, but I just gotta ask: if we restart the process, do the feelings stay, or will they fade away again?! These butterflies got me wondering if I should stay or go, but then you reach out and tell me to do what’s best, but the only thing on my mind is sleeping all the pain away and forgetting all about the past! You say it’s going to be okay, and this was just a misunderstanding, but why does it hurt so bad knowing it was never supposed to go down like this? You claimed this was what you needed, but you go out and show out for some other guy, making me feel lost as if it was something I said and did! You got me standing here second-guessing all my doings as if none of the things I did mattered or made sense! It felt like a waste of time the whole time we were together, having me think this would last, only to come to find out it was just a game to you!

You wanted to get close to me, only to step back and find out you couldn’t get inside my head, and it made you feel uneasy. So you went out of your way to hurt me, all because your feelings didn’t get validated in the way you intended, and honestly, that’s not my fault! You weren’t being true to yourself, and I could tell from the behavior of your actions as I watched you struggle trying to make me feel some type of way. But honestly the only thing I did when it came to you was cut you out of my life and no matter how much I tried to avoid you you came crawling back to me as if I owed you a favor and it just made me laugh because the signs were all their for me not having to want anything to do with you and yet you still came back looking for a way to hurt me day in and day out and for what?! You wanted me to feel like how you were feeling, all because I didn’t let you get inside my head, knowing you’d end up hurting yourself even more if I let you see the world from my point of view! These battle scars I hold aren’t something I want to live with, but they’re there to remind me of the abuse and trauma I had to deal with and learn from so I wouldn’t have it happen to me ever again.

So I apologize if I seem cold and self-centered, but if the shoe fits, then wear it! Stop acting as if I owe you a damn thing when you’ve done absolutely nothing for me to even give you the time of day to respond to you! You walked into my life unannounced, expecting open arms, and when you didn’t get that, you went all hostile, thinking I’m like these other guys that you’re always around, being friendly and showing love, when I’m the exact opposite! There’s no love around me, so why would I bother giving you something that doesn’t exist?! You made it seem like I had something to offer you, and when you didn’t get it, you called your friends on me, telling them I’m this and that, and I just sat back sipping on some tea because it was literally none of my business at the time! 

You had it all only to lose it once you came my way, knowing there were warning signs all around me, yet you chose to do it anyway, and now you’re stuck in guilt, trying to put the blame on me as if I had something to do with what you caused/created for yourself, lol! I’m really not trying to make it sound like you got what you deserved, but at the same time, it’s like adding the probability to your doings and the answer lining up to your problem, you know what I mean?! You thought you had me figured out, only for me to play you from the jump all along because I could tell your intentions weren’t pure or true, so I treated you accordingly, and when you found out I had you figured out before you had me figured out, that’s when you shifted the narrative and chose to blame me for outing you! You really gotta start thinking ahead and making plays for yourself because it’s just going to be the same cycle for you every step of the way!

You can’t manipulate someone who already knows themselves and their own doings! You wanted to play a quick and easy game, only to find out you were playing against the master, and well… you lost, and now you gotta go and catch up on some homework on what went wrong and how to go about it the right way! Only to find out there's no right way of doing it, it’s all based on logic and manipulation if you ask me. You don’t understand how to manipulate someone who has certain characteristics that go against all odds in certain situations, and that’s where you should start studying from! Until then, don’t bother coming my way, trying to squeeze your way into my life because you’ll just end up getting hurt along the way trying to chase after a ghost that only comes out on his own terms!