Blog Post 498

I Used to Think About You

I can tell this is the last chapter of you and me because the thought of you no longer lingers around, making me wonder about your doings and how you're doing. I know I should be keeping all the things I used to think about when it comes to you to myself, but what's the point when, after tonight, your existence will no longer be part of my daily life or doings. You said you'd always be there for me, but the only times you ever cared to show up was when I was talking to someone new, making sure they weren't treating me in a way you didn't like, and I appreciated that, but it's time to just let me be free and let me do what I need to feel happy and free. 

I've been feeling trapped these few months, wondering if I'll ever escape the life we had with each other but it's come to my attention that the life we had was never fully mine to have, so I let go of all things I knew with you and let myself drown in the deep end, hoping for the answers when I came back up to the shallow end. The feelings were a mix of back and forth, trying to figure out if the feelings for you were real or if they were just something I made up in my head so you'd stay. I was so confused about the two of us that the space between us let me see that you were just a temporary fill-in, so my tears didn't come falling down. But ever since your absence, the tears flooded the city streets, making me wonder why I ever let the things between us two happen. 

I wanted to find the answers, but instead I chose to just let go of all the memories and questions about everything that's ever happened to me just so I could breathe and live a life carefree. I didn't wanna go running back to you, so I listened to the music and left the feelings in the lyrics, hoping that the music would speak for itself. I wanted to move on from the life I once knew but somehow keep a trail of tears just in case you wondered where I'd be or how I was. The music I put out has all the answers that you'd ever need to find out where I'll be when you come looking for me but for right now I just need you to know I'm going to be okay and I don't need you to come finding me anytime soon because the wounds you caused are still fresh and until they're healed you wont have much to go on to finding me.

I'm okay with meeting you somewhere down the middle one day, but right now I just need to focus on letting go and moving on from the feelings I once had. The person you might see in the city streets will be me, but the thought of you won't register with me right away because what exactly is there to talk about when your doings killed every part of me to where my heart no longer feels the need to open up or care for others. You watched the tears fall from my eyes and only cared to laugh as if it was nothing, and that's why I'll never care to reach out to hear from you. 

Your existence no longer interests me, and I hope whoever has you next can be happy with what you have and not have to ask for more from you because you'll never change your doings, so what more could you possibly offer other than pain and tears to others? I hope you can see that my expectations from you are dead and done because you had your chance, and you ruined it all within a matter of hours, thinking it was going to be a funny joke, but the shit you did wasn't funny in the slightest. If I had known about it sooner, I would have just stayed home, but it's whatever; it's not my place anymore to teach you right from wrong. 

You already showed me your true colors and your intentions, so there's nothing more to see or ask about because I got you all figured out, and if you claim that wasn't you, then maybe just go check into a mental hospital, because now you're lying, and for what? You'll never face me face to face, even when I line up my schedule with yours, because you know what you did was wrong and you can't admit that you fucked up because you think you're too good for any sort of mistake when your whole life is one big mistake. You're so annoying to the point that you think it's not hurting those around you every time you get near them. You're too predictable to me that whenever you'd open up your mouth, I could tell it was all just lies so you'd get your way, and I let it pass because I already mentally checked out that it would have just been pointless to say or do anything else other than to just agree with you.

I don't think you'll ever truly find or get what you're looking for because the thing you crave is so out of reach that it makes others feel as if they're never good enough, and that's why I had to leave. I knew my doings were pure and true to my own well-being, but it was never good enough for you. I wasn't trying to be around someone who made me feel like all I was doing was just wasting my time. I'm sorry for leaving you without causing a scene or leaving without an explanation. I just figured since you were always acting as a know-it-all, you could have done the math on why I left and not have asked any questions, but nope, I was wrong. You spammed my phone to where I turned my SIM off and shut off my phone, hoping it wouldn't come through and it would just hang up. But that only made you wanna lash out even worse, to where the screams haunted me in my sleep, causing me to fall asleep at 4am thinking it would be quieter during the day. I tried so hard to ignore all the screams, but they just kept getting louder, so I stayed up all night fucking up my sleep schedule, finding myself sleeping outside in my car hoping the screams would go away. 

The thought of you kept haunting me all throughout the week, so I finally called it for what it was and found someone else to take my mind off you, hoping they could heal me from the screams and the thought of you coming back to find me. I know it wasn't right of me, but if it meant erasing you from my life so I could feel free and breathe a little and feel safe in my own skin, then so be it. I got a hold of them and we hit it off pretty well only for me to realize it wasn't right and this could break there heart so I explained to them the issue i was facing and they understood it only to see me as a friend and told me that they were there for me if I wanted to talk and that when I knew I made the right decision for the first time in a long time. So I kept talking with them for the past week, hoping the tension would die down and I could go back to feeling normal, only to find myself crying once again because how could this person I've only talked to a few times back in 2019 understand me better than someone who's known me for the past14 months?

I didn't think too much of it, but the thought of what would happen if I cut ties with you and let someone else be there for me would look like for me? I feel like me finding someone better for me has always been a struggle because of my attachment issues and trauma to pain but for some reason I let the feelings go numb and dropped everyone and all the memories I once had to let this person in and show me a different path to life and so far they've been showing me how to heal the damaged parts of me without hurting me in the process. I learned to be more open to sharing my thoughts but still shy away because my thoughts have always been so damaging to others. I let them take the lead only to feel guilty through it all becuase everything I've ever known was based off lies and the feelings I had were valid the whole time but those around me just didn't care to accept them and it sucks that I've gone this long without ever being open about the things that went on in my head or in my life in general with those who I thought cared about me. 

I wish I had known sooner what was being done around me, but I never had that good of a support system, so I thought it was all just normal. But ever since they came into my life, my mind and eyes are understanding and seeing a different side of everybody that's ever been around or in my life, and I wanna apologize to my younger self for ever putting up with all the stupid shit people threw at me, thinking that's what was best for me. I have nothing left to say after everything that's happened these past few weeks because what's the use? Nobody is worth my time anymore, and I don't see the importance of keeping dead souls around me when one good soul is plenty for me. You might never see me or understand the real me, and that's okay because I have someone who now knows everything there is to know about me and when and where they can find me without going out of their way to ask about me.