Blog Post 493

Finding Our Way Back

You may not know me, and I may not know you, but you come my way anyway, making me feel all shy and insecure about everything I’ve ever done and said. I wanna believe in all the things you say, but part of me feels like it’s all just a game, so I tend to move with caution and not let my feelings get in the way when all I’m really wanting is for someone to treat me right, and I can do the same for them day and night. So please forgive me if I come off as scared and shy when I know these feelings are what’s best for me to make sure I don’t end up hurting myself or you in the process of it all! I’m not asking for much unless the time alone I crave is in the way; then my apologies! I never meant to let the feelings wander off and have them find you when I was fine with just the way things were before you stepped into the room. Never meant to make you feel like you were in the way or didn’t have a chance with me! It’s just sometimes I never know if it’s for show or if it’s the real thing when it comes to others, so the feelings just disappear and I carry on with my doings, not saying much in return of the aftermath!

I just hope that me not making a move on you didn't steer you out of my completely because the thought of you still occurs making me wish things could have gone down exactly how you wanted it to but the truth is you'd be dealing with a broken soul and heart and I just know that's not something worth falling in love with so I took a few steps back because the distance at the time just felt better even though I knew you'd have good intentions for me but the answers were still unclear to me. I let you take the lead only to realize the feelings I had towards you were wrong, and I should have apologized, but you would have just said no need, so I kept my apologies to myself. I didn't realize the way you felt towards me was something you had felt since you first met me, knowing there wasn't much to know about me at first glance, but you took a chance, and now I'm on your mind as if I'm all you need, not knowing what would come after you had talked with me. 

You said that you were fine with the difference in age, making me not feel guilty for being the older one, but I also felt bad that I thought I was too old for you; that's why I didn't bother with the thought of you back then. I knew if I had made myself known to you, you would have been lost for good, so I just stayed in the far right lane as I watched you from afar, hoping you'd find someone new back then. I know me not telling you sooner was wrong, but what could I have said when the timing was all so off, and my feelings back then were all over the place, so I didn't even have the time to acknowledge them. It just felt like everyone around me was looking for something to get out of me. I just went along with it, thinking it was what I needed and what was right, but all it did was cause me more pain than good, so I left the scene and let go of all the things I was doing and forgot all about the thought of ever making a move on anyone. 

I know I probably ended up hurting you and everyone else around me but I choose to be stong for myself and if the feelings were still there after a few years apart then I had planned on going back and seeing if the timing would have been on our side and come to find out you've been searching for me ever since and I didn't know it till a few days ago and I'm sorry for never finding my way back to you. I guess the thought of you cut deeper than I had expected, so I lost complete knowledge of you, and for that I'm sorry.

I just hope me being stuck in time after all those years didn't make you lose your purpose in life, knowing you could have just come back after a year or two had passed. I feel bad for not giving you the full details on why it had happen but I knew it would have been easier to look away and walk the other way knowing that the universe will line the stars again to where you and I would cross paths one day and I guess that time has come so with everything that's been said and done in the past looks like it's all good by the way you're clinging on to me as if I was all yours from the jump not even getting to really know me back then. We just chatted, and I left hoping it didn't cause you any pain. 

I made it clear as to what I wanted, and it looks like you wanted the same, but the timing was just all wrong. That's why I came back to see if your mind was still stuck on me or if you had finally let go of me. I know we talked about the trauma and pain that others brought to us, and I'm sorry I couldn't have been there to hear your frustration about it all, but I'm here now, hoping that it's not too late to see you happy in life, knowing those in your past weren't the best choice for you. I hope you and I can proceed with this friendship and help each other grow and recognize true love and understand it's not something just for show. I hope one day we get through all the mess and we can be who we really want to be without the second-guessing and the overthinking about what's going on between the two of us and around us.