Blog Post 492

Was the Love Ever Real?

You reached out once again, only for me to feel a sense of uneasiness, trying to figure out what it was you were doing and needed, only to find out you were just bored and needed something to do, knowing there's nothing really left for me to say to you. I know I'm the root cause of your trauma, so for you to keep coming back as if I'm not makes me spiral out, making me fall as if the wings I have were no longer there. I kept my distance and cool for the time being, but looking at your name makes me wanna cry, knowing all the things that happened between us two as if it was something to steer clear of, making me see all the wrongs there were within myself, making me feel so small as if nothing I do would ever measure up to anyone that comes my way. So I asked myself if this was really worth my time after all the times I ran from the truth, knowing I'll never fully face it head-on. I wish I could explain to you why I am the way that I am, but that would take forever. I never knew how much time you had when it came to me, so I just sat back and let you do you, knowing one day my story will be told. You could finally see it was never my intention to hurt those closest to me, and seeing you back on my phone just makes me want to run and hide because the thought of going through all that with someone else makes me ask if this is really meant for me. I wanna tell myself no so I can steer clear of it, but even when I proceed with it anyway, I keep seeing you in my dreams as if what I'm doing is all wrong and I simply just can't escape the horrors either way.

I guess the thoughts of losing those who get to know me and see a different side of me is what hurts me the most because 90% of the time it's so hard to let others in without it feeling like I'm being someone I'm not knowing that the pain and tears will soon appear if they get too close to me causing them to run away and honestly I'm fine with that becuase it just tells me they were only here for a good time and not a long time so the sooner those people are out of my life the better because it's really never a good time when it comes to somone being with me unless you're trying to trauma bond and laugh at how messed up we both are and then go our seperate ways knowing we can never really commit to others without feeling like we're either too much or not enough for them and that's the fucked up part for me. I'm willing to give everyone a chance that comes my way but with me being on such defence of letting others hurt me and me hurting them it's kind of irrelavent for me to even proceed with thought of that ever truly happening and even if they had good intentions from the jump I still don't think it would matter to me unless I feel drawn to them otherwise it's a hard no for me.

I'm steering clear and keeping my head held high when it comes to others being around me and trying to get to know me because every time I've let it happen, it's just been one big failure after another, and I'm tired of feeling like a failure in this game called love. It makes me sick to my stomach having someone thinking they have some sort of right being around me just because we had locked eyes and I was just trying to see if I could picture myself being with them and how it would go knowing the trauma and set backs will be the first to show and after that it would just be a wrap and I'll forget about it never getting the chance to actually apporach them because why would I waste someone else's time knowing I'm not the type to commit to others anymore. I'd like to, but I've lost all knowledge of having that ever happen in my life. There are just so many unknown factors that come into play when I'm with others that I'm honestly more anxious about everything that I do and say that I find it easier to just being alone and having someone to talk to rather than hanging out with them and trying to physically touch them, not knowing if it's the right move or not. I only find one person to fully understand me for me, and yet I can't even see them because I'm scared I'll hurt them, and I'll lose everything I've ever known and held on to for so long that my lifeline will cease to exist.