Blog Post 491

Were You Even Real?

It feels like the walls are closing in on me with every turn I take, trying to erase the thought of ever knowing you. I keep trying to forgive you for the things you put me through, but somehow I'm trapped between the lines of right and wrong, preventing me from truly being free. I keep finding myself running back to you only to see you with someone new, making me fall to my knees, crying like I have nothing left to lose. I look out in the distance as you're sitting next to them, making me ask why it ever even had to happen. I'm stuck between the lines of letting go and watching it play out. I keep thinking to myself it should be me next to you, but then again, I had you next to me only to realize I'd hurt you down the line, so no, I'm not sure if having that thought is really even worth having. Because how can I tell someone I love them, then go out of my way and hurt them down the line? I couldn't live with myself knowing I lied to them like that, especially when it comes to you. I wish I could have been everything you needed, but I guess I was missing something you needed, so you went and found it in someone else, and knowing that might have been the case is what's killing me the most.

I know the trauma and pain were temporary, but now it feels like a permanent stain every time I see your face. I wish I could wipe you from my head, but that'll only bring on more tears because loving you was the happiest I've ever been, and if I erase that part of me, then where will the happiness and hope come from? So I'm asking you to forgive me for ever coming into your life and having you show me a better side of things, even though it couldn't be with you. I guess you were just the blueprint of what I was searching for, and now that I have it, I guess I could be thanking you and moving on with my life in a way. I get that we'll probably never come back to this timeline and will remain strangers til the stars align with one another again, bringing us back to one another. But as of now, I'll say my farewells and the best of wishes to you and focus on other things in life. I just wish it didn't have to come to this, knowing I was willing to give it my all and everything there was to love you the way you deserved to be. 

I hope you can look back on everything and see that I really did my best to keep you safe and make sure you were taken care of. I hope you don't go searching for me when you had the chance to grab my hand and pull me closer to you, but instead you just walked away, leaving me to cry out all the pain and tears I had that night. I hope the missing pieces you were looking for show up for you, like how I did when I was with you. I don't really have anything else to say or do other than just ask if you could forgive me for not letting go sooner. I guess I thought if I held on to you for a bit longer the feelings would come back to life but I was wrong and now that I'm seeing things for what they are I can see that all I'm doing is causing more harm than good so I'll leave you to do you and like I said before I don't hate you, I just don't want to lose myself loving someone who's not sure of themeselves when it comes to me. But other than that, there's nothing much to go on. I just hope you'll continue to be safe and that smile of yours never fades because one day I might need you to light the way if I ever get lost again but for right now I think I'm okay and from what I've seen I think you'll be just find without me next to you and if I'm wrong then you have permission to come my way and tell me how wrong I was.