Blog Post 490

Why Are We Still Apart?

Does the distance between us two make you feel any type of way, or are you okay with it? I know it's been a while since I've seen your face, but is the space and time making you feel any differently towards me, or are you content with the distance between us two? Does the thought of me ever cross your mind? Do the memories ever hit you like a wave, knocking you down? Does the smile on your face ever show when you think of me, or does it just fade away? I just gotta know what it is you do when it comes to me. I just wanted to hold you tight and treat you right, but instead I was way too shy and pulled away, protecting myself from ever hurting you. I know it wasn't the right move, and I should have just taken it slow instead of running away because the thought of hurting you at any given time scared me more than anything. So please let me know if I was to ever treat you right, would your smile reappear, or would you remain null to all my doings?

 I know I'll never fully have the same access to you as I once did, but I just gotta know if you ever think of me being next to you as we were one. I have so many questions as to how we, or if we, can ever go back to being with one another without hurting each other in the process. I wish I didn't have to run and hide after the questions appeared day and night. I thought by giving it some time we could come to an agreement, but it looked like the timing for that to happen never got a chance to happen, so I'm stuck in my room wondering what the hell is wrong with me for you to go block me out. I never knew being with someone like you would hurt me this deeply, and I know it's not your fault, nor am I blaming you. I just wish it never came to this. I sit back, waiting on your call, knowing that you're the only one for me and wanting to believe the things you say to me, but sometimes I ask myself if this is really what is meant for me or if I'm just settling for it because it's what I'm supposed to do.

I just don't want you to think I did all of this just because I wanted sex when sex was never really the point of being with you. You kind of initiated it first, and I sort of just panicked but didn't let it be known, so I just followed your lead and made you feel what you wanted at the time. I knew if I had done it with you, then my mind and eyes would see you in a different light, and I didn't know if that light would be worth keeping on. I leaned towards you and took it slow as our lips touched and your clothes slowly came off, making me so nervous that I pulled away, taking a minute to breathe and admiring the beauty that you were only to then proceed back with the sex, not knowing if it was casual or a one-night stand. I left the thought of trying to figure out what it was at the back of my head, not trying to make a big deal of it, only to watch you get up and head into the shower, asking if I was coming or not. I wasn't sure what this all was at the time but if this is how it's gonna be for the time being of us being with one another then I didn't want it to stop or care to look the other way because how you made me feel was something so pure and understandable that tears came down my eyes but you didn't get to see them because they got washed away in the shower. 

I made a promise to myself that morning that if we go our separate ways, then I'd never bother being with someone else until the thought of you was no more, and even though it's been 2 years since we last met, I haven't had much luck with you being gone from my life. You keep reappearing as if you and I are supposed to talk it out or something, when all the signs are clearly pointing to me moving on from you, but in which direction is so unclear. Because every time I think I'm on the right track, the memories of you and me hit me like a wave, stopping me in my tracks, making me wonder if I should reach out to you or just ignore it and continue with my doings. But even with me choosing to continue with my doings, the tears start coming down my face, and nobody knows as to why but me, and I don't care to explain it to them because you're one of a kind, and they just won't understand me, and that's what hurts me the most. I can't open up about you to anyone because the heart you have is too good to be true, and I don't want others taking it from you. So I hold out on any information about you and just say it's nothing. I keep the thoughts of you to myself because I don't think I could live with myself knowing someone else got a piece of you after I mentioned you only to have them break you.

I wish trying to protect the ones I love didn't end up hurting me because I wanna be there for you, but I don't want to cause you any pain. So I'm stuck in the middle of the road knowing it's not that hard to cross a street when it's only just a few steps away from your house. I could run and skip to the thought of you all day long, but it's not going to change how I feel towards you and how much I want you back. I know the waiting game is pretty pointless, but I wanna believe in something even if it's just a temporary thing. I wish I could go back to that night and ask you if it was something you really wanted or if you wanted less but also something different, but I was too stunned to speak, looking into your eyes, not knowing if what we had was ever really true. I want to believe that there was something there, but the way you've been keeping a distance, it feels like it's all just in my head and that's the part that kills me. I wish it didn't have to be like this; when I still feel like if I were to see you out in public, my feelings would definitely pop out of my chest for you.