Blog Post 489
If You Really Wanna Know...
You probably don't think of me or feel anything towards me, and I don't expect you to, but here's my truth when it comes to you. I might seem like I've got it all figured out, but the truth is, when it comes to you, it's like trying to solve a puzzle with no right pieces. I keep looking your way, hoping I'll find the answers, but instead I'm just led to more questions in the end, and I know I'm just overthinking the thought of you and me as one, but what if these things I feel are real, making me think holding on is worth the wait. I miss the long nights hearing your laugh. I miss the look you'd give when you're doing something as simple as cooking some food or getting ready for a shower, making me think you need me next to you. The simple pleasures in everything you do and were to me is what I miss the most. I wish you were by my side, but at the same time I don't wanna bother you anymore. I know I'll never have the guts to reach out and ask about your doings, but part of me feels like I should. But even if I did, you and I wouldn't really have much to talk about or anything because I was the one who caught feelings first, and I never really found out how you truly felt towards me, and that's why I don't see the point in ever reaching out. I feel like it'll just be an embarrassment on my end, and I'm not trying to feel like that. I'd rather just let the ties push and pull us apart til death do us part and just leave it at that.
The truth is I had more feelings for you than I thought, and I think that's why it hurt so much to watch you leave, not giving me a chance to even understand if the things I felt were even true or not. I thought the pain was okay, but then my heart shifted to the sadness and made me wonder what caused you to walk away. I never got an answer for that, so I just assumed it was me, and I had to change whatever the part it was that made you walk away. I asked around those closest to me to figure out what was wrong with me and chose to work on all the things they said, only to find myself completely isolated and lonely for the longest time, only to realize that I can never be the one for others. So I let go of all the thoughts and feelings that I had for you and those around me, becoming completely numb to those around me that my existence just became a memory and nothing more. I wanted to redo the whole trying to get to know another person but the only thing that kept popping up in the back of my head was you and all the things you did and then I'd just shut down asking myself if moving on from you will ever happen or am I just going to keep living a life where the thought of you gets in the way of everyone I meet. I wish I knew how to talk to you face to face or just by text but then again I feel like I'd just be doing the most, so I sit back and look up at the stars in the midnight sky where we first met, trying my best not to cry while thinking about how and why I am the way that I am and why we never worked out.
I had so many questions of us that night that it made me scared to drive back home so I called a friend and passed out in the bed of his truck not realizing that you might have been the one for me but instead life said not right now and sent me off on a different path of uncertainy and confusion making me put all the blame on myself for the past 2 years. I wish I came back that night with the answers in my hands, but instead I just cried and found another star to pass out to, only to see you in my dreams, making me wonder if this is the only place I'll ever see you in and, if so, could I sleep forever? I asked myself why you'd only show up in my dreams but not at my front door when you have my location? I just wish I knew the truth between the two of us because me trying to connect the dots to it all is going nowhere, and I'm running out of time trying to find the truth. I fear that if the truth is further than my reach, then my questions may never get a chance to be answered, and I'm not okay with that. So I'll hold on for a tad bit longer, but once the sound of your heartbeat stops, I'll drop the thought of you and me. But right now I'll keep the memories and the thought of you and make you see that there's only room for you and no one else. I guess the truth is you were right about me not feeling okay with you being gone, and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I would be. I should have never made that stupid bet with you. Because the thought of you no longer being here makes me drop to my knees, pleading with the god above, asking for your return.