Blog Post 487

Does It Ever Bother You?

Hey, I'm not sure if we'll ever go back to seeing one another, but I just gotta know if it ever bothers you when you think of me, or if I'm just stupid for having the thought of us still being friends again. I know I did some stupid shit in my past. I'm learning to heal from all the trauma and keep my distance from everyone I love and care about so I don't end up hurting them. But when you come along, I do the exact opposite of trying to keep my distance because the distance only makes me want you more, and I know that we'll never cross that line due to everything that's happened. But at some point the feelings overtake my thoughts, and I'm stuck finding myself outside your house, hoping we could talk, only to turn around and walk the other way, leaving my car parked outside your house, making you wonder where I went. I know the thoughts I have of you and I are nothing more than just thoughts, but sometimes I let out the tears that I hold back, knowing you're the only reason that's keeping me alive. I keep thinking back to all the chances you gave me to see me get back on my feet after I kept falling and drifting further from the truth, and lately it's been kind of hard getting back out of that dark place ever since we lost touch. I know how much it scares you watching me go into the dark and lonely place I call home, but at the same time I wish it never came to that. 

I just wanted you to see a different side of me that nobody really knows, and somehow I keep getting lost in the process of it all. My mind steers clear from it so it can protect itself, but why does it feel like it needs to protect itself from an angel like you? I'll never fully understand. You never did anything wrong, but with every second I spent with you, I felt as if I would never match up to what you needed, so I kept sabotaging everything about me to keep you at a distance, knowing it would be the end of us. But as each day passed, you were still right there asking about my well-being and if I had anything to talk about, but the only thing on my mind was how you could still see me the same way after all the pain I caused. I wish I had never hurt you or let you see the other side of me, so now every time you come my way, I'm stuck in time, asking myself why you're choosing me, knowing I'm no good for you? I find it hard to believe a girl like you could ever like a guy like me after everything that's been said and done, and I'm not sure why I keep going back to you.

 I wish I had the answers to it all, but when I look into your eyes, I can tell that there's no fear or rage in you towards me, and maybe that's why you keep coming back as if the distance was nothing but a walk. I wish our worlds could collide as one. Still, I'm scared I'll truly lose myself in the process of it all and spiral out of control where my heart and mind simply seize to exist where all the pain and trauma that I avoid daily will come crashing down on me, making me paralyzed and numb to the life I currently have and all the things I've ever thought about will make there way into the light. You'll realize it was never truly my fault, but I kept taking the blame and walking away from them every time it happened. I wish there were other ways for me to let all of this be known to you, but for some reason I'm still unsure how to reach out to you without seeming like I need you when I know needing others has never been a thing for me. But I know for a fact that the love I hold only ever seems to steer in your direction, but every time I travel down that road to get to you, I keep hitting roadblocks, so I just sit there asking if it's really worth my time or not.

I know you no longer see me out as much and I've lost interest in a lot of my old doings, and I'm still trying to figure out what I really want in life and who I want in it because, as of right now there's nobody in it that I care about so I cut all ties and started clearing out the memories of past relationships and friendships. I took the initiative to remove myself from social media and watched myself fade off the internet, hoping nobody would notice and I could continue to think about what to do next so nobody would feel bad once I ended my life. I know I still have to make amends to certain people, but trying to figure out where to start from is a lot harder than just a simple text. I no longer have any contacts in my phone, so it's like not even worth my time to do so, and the thought of others being okay with my existence no more is what makes me feel like it's okay for me to fully commit to this and understand that it's okay and life without me will be better off for everyone.

I just hope one day when you think of me, you won't go crying or asking why it had to happen, because even I don't know why it had to happen. Just know I've always been better off alone, and things tend to always work out in my favor, so the thought of me being somewhere I shouldn't be should never cross your mind because, as of right now, I know the path I'm going in is the only way to escape it all and face the truth that lies beneath the trauma and pain. I know this was probably never the way you wanted to find out, but like I said, I didn't exactly know how to say it all without breaking down. I knew my life would always end soon ever since I was in the 6th grade and I think I've lived long enough to understand that the truama and pain could never fully compete with the mind and heart that I have so that's why I stuck around for this long but seeing how every thing has shifted and all the music that I've put out and the trauma is out in the open now there's really no point in doing this thing called life. I no longer see the point of anything anymore. 

I already set up a few accounts and money transfers to your accounts so money should still be coming your way after everything is set and done and my trust will just get signed off into your name and you can finally have a sense of freedom and know that the money was just a safety net for a moment like this and I'm sorry I couldn't talk about the ways I was making money but it was for your best interest. I hope the money that you receive will make you understand why I was constantly putting so much pressure on myself. I just want to make sure you're taken care of once this post is publicly out, and everyone who once knew me comes to terms with the fact that it was never for them or about them. Everything was always for me, and trying to heal the inner kid in me and find the reasoning behind all the trauma that he had to go through.