Blog Post 485

Please Don't Ask Me Why

If you're reading this, then just know I haven't stopped thinking about you since the EP dropped, and now I'm wondering if you ever even got a chance to listen to it, and I'm stuck wondering what your thoughts are on it. I know I'll never fully have you back in my life, but if the music speaks to you, then just let me know, and I'll continue making more. Otherwise, I'll stop and go back to doing what I do best, which is this, and forgetting about it once it's published. I wish I didn't have to watch you from a distance, making sure you're safe and well when those around seem to think you're doing well, not knowing the tears you let out late at night, wishing I was there next to you. I wish things could have gone right between us two, but you had other things on your mind, and I let you keep those thoughts as I watched you slowly slip away, thinking it was for the best. I know the pain was going to eventually take it's toll on me like it did today and I honestly didn't know what to do or say other than just going completely numb hoping I'd snap out of it and luckily it worked but it didn't last because I'm right back at where I was when it comes to you and the thought of you and all the things I never got to say and do with you. I can understand the timing was never on our side, but I did my best to make time for you, even if it meant taking a break from my other doings. I was willing to be there for you whenever you called or texted, making sure you didn't feel alone or sad when in doubt. I just wanted to be there for you, but you took that as a sign I was trying to be you when, in reality, I was just making sure you were safe and didn't have to go back to the same place you got out of. 

I was never mad or envy of the things you had or did I was just trying to be the one you could trust but I guess the trust was based off lies in your head and that was fine at the time because I wasn't sure how to open up to you at first glance but eventually I found a way to do so only to find out it was a little too late to do so. So I gathered all my thoughts and feelings towards you at the time and flushed them down the toilet, hoping it would ease the pain. I don't know why or how I got stuck on you when it was never anything serious to begin with. I guess it's hard to let go of a good soul when all the previous ones were never truly mine to have. I thought by being next to you I would find the missing piece to my broken heart and mind, but it turns out I'm still trying to find it. I thought my search was over when it came to you, but I guess the universe had other plans for me, and I wish the plans were written on paper, but apparently they like to be made in mid-air, expecting me to just accept it and move on from it. I wish I could understand why you had to be the chosen one when it was never going to fully last. I keep going back and forth on the pictures of you, only to wonder how it didn't work out between us two. I thought I did everything right and played it safe, but yet I'm still lost and confused as to what else I was supposed to do. Did I say something wrong? Did I do something to make you hate me? Or was my existence just not enough for you, so you went and buried me instead? Those are the only questions that come to mind when it comes to you and me. I just wish I had a sign of why you left without a trace, making me wonder if I'll ever see you in my life. 

Were you just a soul that got lost and finally found your way back to who you were truly supposed to be, or was it just life telling me that I'm supposed to be with someone like you but only when the timing is right? I try so hard to find all the answers to my questions, going back and forth with people hoping they'd lead me in the right direction, only to get stuck at a roadblock, making me feel like it's a never-ending cycle of just U-turns, hoping that one of these roads will lead me back to you. I wish I could find you in my dreams and ask you when I can see you, but the dreams only last for a short time, making me second-guess if the dreams were even dreams. I know dreams have a way of making things feel real and true, but when it comes to you, I feel like the dream already happened, and I watched it be erased right before my very eyes. I wish I could replay the memories of you like a tape, but it'll only bring me to tears knowing how special you really were to me, only to now be someone I occasionally think about and hope things are going well and that you're being safe. I don't ever ask for much, but when it comes to you, I'm begging and pleading on my knees to the gods above that you'll always have an angel or two protecting you from all the evil in the world. I never know if what I'm doing is ever right or wrong, but it always feels so good to think about you. I can't help but smile every time a memory of you appears in my head, or just the laughter that you had that sparks a sense of joy. I don't really know how or what these feelings are when it comes to you, but if this is how I feel when it comes to the thought of you, then I don't think I'll ever want to erase you from my line of sight. I can't help but think of all the things you made me feel, knowing it was short-lived.

I hope one day you can see that if you ever feel lost or lonely, you can come to me whenever and we can just lay in each other's arms and watch the stars late at night. I don't want to make the same mistake with you twice, so I'm letting it be known ahead of time that I still need and want you even if the timing isn't on our side. I just want you to know that you can always come my way, and if it means you have to break a few hearts along the way, then so be it, because the only heart I truly care about is yours, and if there's a way to fix it, then know I'll give it my all to watch your smile light up the entire universe. I really wish there was an easier way for all of this to be said and done, but this is all I can do for now until the paths we chose line up with one another, and we meet each other down the middle. I hope this doesn't change the way you think or feel towards me after all these years of going silent. But it's just that these thoughts and feelings have been weighing heavily on me, and I'm finally letting them out into the light, hoping you'd understand that you'll always have someone like me to go back to when you lose yourself in the midst of all the evil going on, and I'll be there to wipe your tears when they fall from your eyes. I just need you to know that I still love you, no matter how much the distance between us grows. As long as your existence is still known in this universe, the love I have for you will always hold its place for you. I have nothing left to say, and I'm not sure what else there is to do other than hope and pray that these feelings let me understand the things I've been wondering about when it came to you and me.