Blog Post 483

Dear, R.W

Hey, sorry if I no longer wonder about you or your doings! I just felt like my time and presence were no longer needed, so I just faded out and left you to your own doings! I knew if I had left things would have been easier for you, but it would have also led me in the right direction of what I was missing all along, and I wish I could have made it known to you how much I cared about you, but something told me to just forget about it and move along as if it had never happened! I kept my cool and wandered off as if everything we had didn’t exist, and I lost sight of you that everything eventually just came to a standstill and I had to find something else to focus on! I took some time to process the pain and tears only to find myself in a dark room with a phone typing away all the things I felt to the sound of a beat turning the table on myself to make everything I ever felt about you and the things you made me feel into songs and somehow I feel like I should be thanking you for helping me find a way to say all the things I couldn’t say to you in person! 

I wish I had time to make you understand it wasn’t you who was in the wrong, but the timing just wasn’t on our side! I felt like shit losing sight of you. Still, at the same time, the feelings started making their way into the light, so I cut all ties of myself to you and everyone you introduced me to, hoping it would erase the history we had and one day we’d run into one another as complete strangers, hoping it would be a new beginning. But as time went on and the distance grew, the thought of you kept lingering in the back of my head, hoping I’d see you one day again, only to realize that maybe it really was the end of you and me ever crossing paths again! I know I have no business going out of my way to track you down, but sometimes I still catch myself wishing nothing but the best for you and hoping that you’re doing well and are safe somewhere in this crazy world! I do my best to stick to the shadows and away from the public scene, but when it comes to you, I can only imagine how life would be if you were next to me still or just around in the same place as me! 

I don’t really know how or why you’re still on my mind when we’ve lost touch for quite some time now! But I keep running back to the pics and memories, thinking back on how much I enjoyed your company and everything you did! I just wish the timing could have been better than what it was! I feel like my selfish thoughts and feelings got in the way of showing the better side of me, and for that I’m truly sorry! I guess trying to hold on to something so pure and true was just never in the books for me, and as much as I wanted to keep you in my life, the universe just drifted us apart even further as if you weren’t supposed to be in my life! I tried so hard to figure out the answers to my leaving and go back to somewhere I once escaped from, only to come back empty-handed! So I converted back to writing it out, hoping I would find the answers within the writing, but it only led me further away from the meaning of us drifting apart! So I sat back for a while and let time do its thing, only to find myself making everything I’ve ever felt and written about into songs, hoping one day you’d find yourself listening to a song of mine and wondering if leaving was really the best decision for you and me! I left the thought of you behind after everything got finalized and uploaded to the streaming platforms, and I just sat back asking myself if it was really ever worth my time getting to know someone like you, and I keep telling myself next question because my answer is still unclear! 

I wish I had the answers to what happened between you and me, but my mind is so damn foggy when the thought of you occurs that I just have to sit back and wonder if you were ever really real! I ask myself if you were just someone I made up on the spot in my head so I didn’t feel lonely or find myself back in the lonely place I once escaped from! I tried so hard to understand the after math of everyone I ever had a encounter with that everything just came back to me being the problem so I sat in silence for a few days and cleared every trace of myself from those I had ever met hoping that would help me sort out all the trams and pain I had ever experienced making me wonder if this life was ever really mine to live! At some point during all of that, I felt like another person was in control of my body, making me see a different side to everyone I laid eyes on, making me steer further and further away from the social light so that my doings no longer become known or asked about! I simply became a ghost, avoiding all the chaos that people had with them! I found a way to let go of all the pain and tears that I held onto over the last 28 years of my life, telling myself it’s no longer worth my time and energy anymore, that I decided to just release everything in my archive as songs and move on from it all completely!

I thought if I was gonna make it happen, then the best place to start from was the blog site and the thought of everyone I ever wrote about! I tried to be discreet about the names, but I just said fuck it and went all out with it and started name-dropping a few people on some songs, and I wanted to name-drop you, but instead I just made an album called “It’s All for You” and carried on! I didn’t have time to make a track specifically dedicating your name so I just gave it a title and rounded up all the blog post that I ever wrote during my time being with you and converted them all into songs and I know I should have told you in advance but my mind was so caught up in just making my feelings known and moving on that the thought of getting your permission never crossed my mind! I just wish I could have gone a different route about the whole situation, but I decided the music would be the better choice, knowing it could let you know how I actually felt towards you without you having to wonder! I just hoped the music didn’t make you hate me more than what you already had! I wasn’t trying to make things worse; I just thought it was easier than having to give you a call and going straight to voicemail, having you wonder why I called you!

I have other albums/songs about you but I’m not going to say what those are but if you ever end up listening to anything after the “It’s All For You” album then just know there’s a few tracks specifically dedicated to you and I know I should have gotten your approval but I have no intention of asking for anyone’s approval over the things I feel and think of others! I just want you to understand the pain and the things you made me feel, hoping you would come to your senses that it was never how it seemed! I just wish it didn’t go out the way it did and we could still be friends; that’s really all I have to say! I wish you nothing but the best, but at the same time please don’t hate yourself for the things that happened between us because I didn’t even know what all happened. I was so lost and confused that being next to you made me feel something I haven’t felt before, and I just gotta understand that feeling on my own and figure out if it’s something worth having or if it was just something you possessed!