Blog Post 482

I Still Think of You

I know this is crazy to say, knowing the distance between us two is my fault, but somehow I get to thinking about making that distance disappear between us and making my feelings towards you truly known! I could tell by the look in your eyes that the distance wasn’t something you wanted or needed but had to happen if it meant keeping myself from hurting you! I get that hurting you wasn’t something I wanted to do, but something inside of me knew if I had stayed, then it would have led to something that couldn’t have been unsaid or undone, so I chose to walk away, letting you keep that spark in your eyes for someone who’s more deserving of you! I wish I had the time to make you see all the possibilities of what we could have been. Still, the timing just wasn’t on my side, so I let go of the thought of ever being with you, only to find out you were thinking of me the whole time, hoping I’d make a move on you, knowing there was a different side of me only you could truly see! I wish I had known sooner before I had made up my mind to let go of you, hoping it would save you from the pain I’d eventually cause by being close to you! 

I get that I rarely ever asked any questions about what we were, but something told me that what we had was real, but something just felt off about us, and I just couldn’t figure out what it was! So I sat back, hoping that the missing pieces would soon reveal the truth, only to find out it never came to that! It was just two broken souls trying to make things work in the best way possible, knowing one day it would eventually come crashing down! It hurt to know that it ever had to come to that, considering all the fights and tears that were shed in the process!! But then everything came to a standstill, and we were back to feeling like strangers, knowing there wasn’t much to say or do, even though it never felt right, and as much as we tried to stand side by side with each other, the distance just felt better between us two! I hate the thought of knowing I didn’t stop it from happening, but then again, what more could I have done other than let you pick and choose on what you wanted and needed for that time being! I felt like my presence was no longer needed, so I did what I do best and faded away into the void, hoping that erasing you from my mind and hoping that you would have done the same!

But turned out the only thing you had on your mind was me, and trying to track me down in the unknown, knowing I’d never be the same person you once knew! So, it’s my apologies for steering clear of you completely instead of making my presence accessible to you! I just thought giving you your space was the better option and letting you heal from my doings, the thought of you staying and fighting for me was never something that ever crossed my mind, so I kept my cool and forgot about the thought of you! You made your terms pretty clear, so I respected them at the time, only for you to have a sudden change of mind once you saw me fading out completely, which didn’t make sense to me at the time, after we agreed upon us going our separate ways!

I know the thought of us ever meeting once again will eventually come, but at what cost will that be? We used to see eye to eye on everything, only to no longer agree on anything that’s said or done. So I closed you out, hoping that avoidance would make you feel some type of peace, and you could focus on something better and newer things with someone else, but for some reason that never registered with you and only made you cling to me even more, which made me feel so confused! I was trying so hard to make you see that the things I felt were no longer true or real, that you needed to be with someone else, yet you just chose to stay and ask me what it was I needed, not knowing what you meant! I thought you might have been asking what I needed to make the feeling go away, or if I was missing something that I had lost! It never really made much sense to me until I went to bed that night, waking up to finding the missing piece was never in you, it was in someone else!

So I scoured the internet looking for them, only to see their name pop up and their last known address! I knew if I had acted upon the information, then it meant that I could finally make peace with my trauma, and I couldn’t live my life to the full extent and be a better person to those around me, but the other half of me asked what the point of it even was! I knew if I had tracked this person down, it could either ruin my peace of mind or it could finally make me see if it was truly all my fault or not! I didn’t care to overthink my doing so; I grabbed the keys and ended up headed down the interstate, knowing that this was my last chance to see it for what it truly was, not knowing how I’d feel in the end! I just wanted to understand it and make me realize maybe all this time this is what I needed to complete my life!

I arrived at your last known location, lights off, car in park, waiting for a sign that you’d be the one to walk out, and I could finally see the meaning behind it all! I sat there thinking to myself about how many different ways this could go, and believe me, there were quite a few, but I only picked out three that gave me butterflies in the end! I sat there waiting, only to finally see you stepping out the door just as I remembered you last, only to realize that you still had the same look in your eyes as I once left you! I knew that the past you tried to put behind you still lingered, and I was the only answer to making it fully go away! So I watched you as you walked to your car, trying to predict your every move, and followed a few cars back, never giving out my intentions or doings! Just casually watching you drive from one place to the next, trying to figure out your schedule, only to finally realize I had a moment to myself at the local park.

So I held out from making my approach, and a few weeks later, I saw you at the park sitting on the bench, making slight eye contact with you as I walked by, acting as if we’d never met, only for you to stop me in my tracks and ask about my name and if you’d seen me before. I hesitated and said I’m Mak, and I believe we used to go to school together, but other than that, I don’t know much about you! You approached me with a look in your eyes giving away all your moves to where you became an open book, and all my answers were coming out as if they were from a script! You asked me where I’ve been all this time, only to come out and say around knowing my existence didn’t mean anything to you, that’s why I’ve been acting like a ghost and staying out of sight! But you asked if I ever thought about you, and something broke inside of me knowing there was never a day or time where I didn’t think about you, so I lied and said ever know, and then, but only on certain days like your birthday! I didn’t have much to say after that and proceeded to say my farewells, knowing this would be the last of us ever being in the same space together! 

I walked away and vanished into the woods, making my presence no longer seen or known, hoping it would finally make you come to peace with your past and all your doings as I watched from afar! I could tell from a distance that you were finally feeling free and no longer guilty of our past, and that my existence still mattered to you! As I walked back to the bench you were at, I saw a note that read Thank You only to realize that maybe the universe was right all along! I should’ve never kept my presence hidden and let you see me for who I was and let you decide on your own if you wanted me around or not, inside deciding for you! I should’ve considered your feelings instead of just going off my own! If anything, I should’ve been the one saying sorry! But it’s no longer my place or business to make that known! I got your note, and now I’m free to do as I please, and so are you, knowing that there’s no longer any guilt between the two of us! 

I just hope when we cross paths again that we lock eyes and remember all the things we once had and smile! I just hope that you understand that it was never my intention to let go of you. I was only trying to save you from the pain that would have eventually come your way! I’m just glad you’re doing well and being safe out here in this crazy world that we’re living in right now! I’m glad you found someone worth fighting for and making a life you’ve always wanted with him! I’m so proud of everything that you’ve overcome that I hope nothing but the best for you! But if you ever find yourself on the same path as me, don’t be afraid to walk next to me! Who knows, we might have one hell of a conversation on everything that’s been done and said after all these years, and finally overcome our insecurities and trauma! I’m just saying, if you ever need someone to talk to or be heard for any reason, you know where to find me!