Blog Post 480

Dead Awake

You claimed to love me, but you only did the exact opposite. You wanted to be a part of my life so bad that you forced your way into certain situations just to feel seen, knowing it wouldn’t stop me from doing my own thing. You got too close, thinking you would feel safe around me, only to feel more alone and uncertain of yourself. You tried so hard to stay, but the feeling of being torn down was all you got. You thought I would go easy on you, but instead, I never saw you as anything other than just another user trying to get your way. That's why I steered clear from you, and no matter how hard you tried to go out of your way to look your best, it still didn’t peak my interest. You thought you could replace the person I once cared for, but instead, it made you feel like you were less than nothing, and that’s the crazy part. You should’ve known better than to approach me when all my friends asked you what your deal was, trying to get with me, knowing they knew you’d be looking stupid and lost when it came to me. They’ve tried their best to warn you, but you ignored them, and now you’re dead inside, looking for a way out, knowing the door was wide open for you to leave. But somehow you locked it within when your feelings got too much. 

You didn’t have to even make your existence known to me because if I wanted to know you or make you a part of my life, I would have, but forcing your way in was the quickest way to get locked out, and there’s no going back to understanding me for me. So what exactly did you expect to happen when you got hold of me? Did you think I would have just given in and let you see the darkest parts of me? You’re so inconsiderate that it makes me wonder what you really wanted to see from me. Was there something more to me that you saw, or were you just curious about my way of living? You were changing in and out of moods as the seasons ended. You went so far to get a hold of me, only to watch me slip away as if we had never met. Did you really care about me, or did you just want to be next to me for the clout I had? I know there’s more to me than what I tell, but that’s for me and for me only to understand, so for you to expose that side of me is kind of where I feel confused about. Was it your right to do or did you just do it because it was what felt right to you? The love you thought you’d never have existed in me. So for you to think we’d be the endgame was kind of a stupid thought.

You barely even knew me. You only knew me from what I posted online, knowing that’s not the version of who I am with those I care about and see eye to eye with. You thought you had me figured out by the things you’d see online, thinking your research was done thoroughly, only to get thrown off track when you actually came in reach of me. You thought the pain was never really there and it was all in my head until you started asking questions and I let you see the pain I truly hold on for you to take a few steps back and turn away and then I just walked away only for you to come chasing me down asking where I was going and to respond with back to my car and then you asked if you could ride along only to asked why and where to and you respond back with to where ever it was I was headed and I responded to where I’m going there’s no return so it’s really up to you if you really wanted to come or not and sure enough you’re in my car looking out the window thinking about where it was we were going only to find out it was to a grave yard site with my name on a tomb stone writer 1997-2013 thinking back to when I truly died and made it out alive somehow. You asked if it was true or if it was just a dream, only to read the name of the person who lies beneath the ground. 

You looked back my way. I stared at the name, took a heavy breath, exhaled, and walked away, not thinking too much of what goes on underneath the ground, as I walked back to the car. You got back in the car asking if I was alright only to remain quiet and still then put the car in drive and headed to the place where my life was taken only for you to realize it was never about others or the things they did or said it was because of my doings and I let you watch as I killed myself once again to make you realize the pain was always from within myself and not from those around me. You finally realized the pain and trauma that I’ve had to live with, only to let go of the idea of ever being with me, and for that, I’m finally free to do my thing once again. So I’m sorry if you're asking to show you what I truly meant by the darkness will never leave because you just witnessed all of it right before your eyes. So please do yourself a favor and don’t be pleased by me and the things I do because it all comes from a place deeper than hell itself. I know this might have been a dramatic experience for you but if you wanted to understand me for me then it had to be shown to you hoping it would steer your mind off from me and find someone else for you to enjoy your life with, because if you had truly wanted to be with me then the you would’ve over came the darkness that I held in the palm of my hands but instead you just stood there asking what it all meant knowing that the answers don’t quite exist in this lifetime.