Blog Post 479
Trying to Figure Out the Cause
Not sure where to start from other than the thought of knowing we no longer see eye to eye on the things we do and say! You come at me as if I were in the wrong when you were the one who left to find something better, only to return empty-handed! So tell me how this was all my fault when you chose to leave! You asked for some time, only to come back asking why I never reached out! You’ve been m.i.a only to call me as if I had something worth saying! You claimed your heart was pure and true, only to show me a different side of you I never knew! I tried so hard to find the missing pieces, only to get lost in the void of no return! You cut me deep like a blade going through steel! You had every right to just leave me be, but the cuts left scars deeper than I could bear! I tried so hard to forget about them being there, but your presence lingers with every step I take! So tell me what the point of your return was meant to be!
You and I both know this isn’t what’s it’s supposed to be, but we play and act the part only to lose ourselves by nightfall, knowing that our hearts will heal by the morning! We keep going back and forth on shit that keeps us sinking further from the truth like a sinking ship! I keep quiet, trying to find the truth in the silence that you hold, only to find the lies written on the walls, making me guess every move you make! You act as if this was all an act when we know there’s no acting when it came to the feeling that I had with you! The feelings were there, but now I’m second-guessing if yours were ever there! Did you use me to gain your way into my heart and break it from within, or did you truly mean the things you spoke? It’s all just a blur, standing here trying to figure out your doings, knowing there’s not much evidence of your feelings ever being shown!
I guess no matter what the outcome becomes, the thought of us will remain, and we’ll keep finding ourselves back to one another, knowing that the universe is trying to tell us something, but instead we push and pull away from our faith to save ourselves from the pain and tears it could bring. I know my mind and how it goes, and the things I feel for you I no longer care to hide. I thought I could hold it in, but the love I have is too damn strong that if I keep it in any longer, I’m scared my heart will shatter, and there’ll be nothing left of me to give! You have every right to hate me for being so damn weak when it comes to opening up, but I refused to show that side of me because I was scared of hurting you! So go ahead and call me out for the shit I did, only to come to terms with it’s just who I am, and for that I can’t change, so help me find my way back to the place I once called home!
I just wanted something true and pure, but for some reason, my mind and heart only chase after toxic highs, so when it came to you, it didn’t recognize the truth and steered clear of you, and as much as I wanted to keep going straight, the thought of you just kept getting erased as if you weren’t there! I’m so sorry for making you think you did something wrong when it was me who was in the wrong! I should’ve known better than to listen to my heart when all I needed was right in front of me, but for some reason, you felt out of reach. I didn’t bother paying much attention! You tracked me down to a place I go to hide away, only to realize the person you found wasn’t the one you needed! You just wanted someone to use and abuse! I let you get your use only for you to realize I enjoyed it! I should’ve stopped myself, but the toxic love was so intense I couldn’t help myself! We acted as if it was normal until someone asked if we were okay! Only to respond with lies & guilt, knowing we didn’t have the answers!